Let’s beat a dead horse for a second…
According to the world, when it comes to dating black men… we sisters, are running out of options unless you prefer to stay single. Yes, yes, I gather we’ve all heard this a billion times, or a few dozen channel clicks before, but in the interest of baiting the next paragraph, I’m just reminding you all of that painful elephant in the room.
Since there is in fact, no immediate remedy put in place to resurrect our fallen brown skinned soldiers, be it by rehabilitating our Adonis, or raising him to aim his lasso solely at Nefertiti, we have to learn to either cope, hope, or keep the options in our heart open and undefined by color.
Those adolescent dreams of clinking champagne glasses with your Denzel, and riding off into the sunset with a trail of dragging cans that ring the symphony of matrimony behind your limo encrusted “Just Married” sign, are a thing of the past, newly renovated by our current circumstances.
With our faces pressed to the interracial glass, before, many of us who feared stepping apart from our pigment, could only imagine the limitless options of life inside the other room, a room that defines love by the limitless laws of attraction rather than the self inducing paralysis that comes when you live by the laws of melanin.
Unless you’re trying to court a dream, love should no longer be just a “Black and White” situation. And as many single sisters are starting to echo, maybe it’s about time the rest of us became “color blind” too.
To some, the resistance to drawing outside of the lines isn’t entirely about only wanting a black husband, but moreover due in part to a fear of delving into the unknown– the “white” unknown, with a race that many of us have unfortunately been trained to believe is still less of a friend and more of an enemy.
And then there’s the rest of us who might find ourselves attracted and interested in exploring that Ashton Kutcher or Brad Pitt type, but because many black women have never been approached by a man outside of their race who wasn’t an Eminem or Justin Timberlake type, they don’t assume the feeling is mutual and contain the crush rather than option their desires on the surface.
Apart from Robert Deniro, George Lucas and Halle Berry and her boyfriend, seeing an estrogen dipped cocoa brown skin sister next to a vanilla hottie, is quite rare, although refreshing when you encounter the mix because it shows that black women are fighting the odds against their “single statistics” by looking for love rather than skin tone.
But, if you’re interested in dating someone of the Caucasian race, or any race for that matter in knowing the scarcity of seeing a white man courting a black woman, how would you know the attraction is mutual? How would you know there wouldn’t be an instant rejection?
Although most of us hate to be defined, or attached to a blanketed stereotype, some still buy into the idea that all white men dislike black women, or that bringing us home to meet their parents is like a record scratching disaster waiting to happen. Some of that problem is due to the idea that black women and white men are both a bit alien to each other, and neither party is entirely privy to the truth behind the world’s continued stereotypes.
In reality, how much you know about a person, and their interest in you, could generate a bridge to crossover on, or possibly a second wall to keep you further from the intended target pending the outcome.
This isn’t a pro I.R. article, or a con one either, this is an opportunity to create dialogue on a situation that many black women have thought about, but never explored because their curiosity never had room to grow or they’re opposed to the idea, which is fine for the individual.
But to the curious minded, I sat down with a few white men who were willing to spill their true opinion black women and the thought of dating them. If you ever wanted to know what the view was like from the other room, here’s what a few white men had to say about dating black women.
Have you, or have you ever considered dating a black woman?
“Yes, I have not only considered, but dated women of color in the past. I am also “dating” a black Woman from time to time currently” – K.C.
“Yes. I have had four serious relationships in my life, three of which were with women from a different race or ethnic background: Jewish, Chinese and Mexican. I find myself attracted to all different types of people, and it makes no sense to me that someone wouldn’t consider dating somebody due to their race.” –Jesse D.
“I have, but it’s something that’s unfortunately never happened for me, because every time I approach a black woman I sense a resistance of not wanting to be with someone white, unless he acts black. And I’m not trying to offend anyone with my ‘acts black’ statement. I’m just meaning, that black women only want to date white men who have a little more soul than I do and don’t listen to rock music.” – Paul G.
“I’ve dated African American women, Asian women, white women and whomever else. When you turn out the lights, they’re all just women. The only difference is, some like mayonnaise on everything, and the others like soy or hot sauce. A little joke for ya.” – Rory H.
“I’ve considered dating black women. All that race stuff is not a factor for me.” – Devin S.
Do the negative stereotypes the media projects on the African American woman scare you away from dating that race? ( i.e. “the black woman’s attitude.”)
“To be honest, I don’t pay attention to major corporate media, thus am not effected by their programming, which tends to be negative and very stereotypical. Non-corporate media such as Democracy Now!, portrays women of color in a much more positive light.” – K.C.
“No, I don’t buy into any theories that attitude is more common among black women, there’s plenty of women with attitude in every race. I’ve met some ‘white trash’ princesses in my day with attitude that is off the charts. Anyway, the media just promotes whatever seems to get them the highest ratings. Unfortunately nowadays, that involves showcasing vulgar, loudmouth, self-obsessed, drunken skanks. Shows like the “Jersey Shore,” “The Real World,” and any other reality show on VH1 or MTV are prime examples. If I took my cues from the media, I would be scared of dating all women.” – Jesse D.
“It’s not the media that scares me away from not wanting to date a black women, it’s black men that make me think differently. I say that to say this, and I’m only giving you my observation… I see a lot of black men running around with a white girl on their arm, which is fine, but when I’ve sat down with brothers and asked them why they don’t like dating black women, they always have something negative to say about you guys, whether it be your attitude, your jealousy, or the thought that you guys want to play the man of the house. I don’t need to watch to TV to see what I can see when I walk down the block. But I don’t have to buy into that either, which I don’t, but I am aware of what’s being said about yall by your own men. It’s a shame to see that.” – Paul G.
“Shit, I’m scared of the negative stereotypes that they place on white men. Black women have a so called ‘attitude’… well, according to Dateline, white men are all either serial killers or Pedophiles. Who do you think needs to worry more us or them?” – Rory H.
What attracts you most to black women?
“To me it’s not a matter of skin color when it comes to dating. I can’t honestly say that I like white women for this reason, or black women for that reason. I date based on content of character and of course physical beauty.”– K.C.
“It would be impossible for me to generalize what it is. Typically, the women I’m attracted to tend to have dark hair and dark eyes, so there is certainly that angle from a physical standpoint. But it’s really about the individual, isn’t it? I mean someone’s personality can’t be generalized by their race.” – Jesse D.
“I’m attracted to women, period. Everyone has something different that catches my eye. When it comes to a woman of color, I’m attracted most to their strength and their curvaceous bodies.” – Paul G.
“I’m attracted to anyone who can do for themselves, and doesn’t expected someone else to take care of them. I don’t care what race you are, just please don’t come to my front door looking for a savior. I’m attracted to independence, because I carry that trait myself. Forget the skin color.” – Rory H.
“I like their strength and their bodies. But I don’t dig the fake hair and nails. Sorry.” – Devin S.
Do you think that more black women should be more open to dating outside of their race since a lot of black men do?
“Absolutely. There is a huge double standard in the black community when it comes to dating sexes of the white races.” – K.C.
“I think it is about even. I see maybe a few more black men dating white women, but I also see some black women dating white men.” – Brody J.
“If they’re not open to it (are they not?), then I think they should be. But now that you’ve presented the question, it is strange to consider the answer. It seems there are two groups of people who date outside their race less often than others: Asian Men and African American women, but I’m not sure why. Black Men do seem to date outside their race much more frequently than Black Women. I’m not sure why it doesn’t go both ways.” – Jesse D.
“I think black Women need to realize that love is what you make of it, no matter who you’re with. Jerks come in all shapes, sizes, and skin tones. When you box yourself into one type of mindset, you don’t leave room to grow, or room for improvement. In this day and age, people need to take cues from their neighbor. If black men are dating white women, then white men and black women need to be doing the same with each other. Bottom line.” – Paul G.
“I don’t think black women aren’t, but I do think that they are hesitant because of things that white men have done to black people in the past which is completely understandable. Sure, I haven’t done anything negative to anyone, but if a black women thinks I’m prejudice or is skeptical about me, I can’t fault her for that, but it’s up to me to show her that Rory is of a different breed.” – Rory H.
“I think it depends on the type of black women you’re talking about. I think more alternative or political women, and when I say political I don’t mean folks running for office, I’m referring to people who are anti establishment, and into promoting the necessary freedoms, are more inclined to date white men; the natural types, who love people, not just selected types of people. I think people who are too race based, whether their white and only drink Jagermeister, listen to Brooks and Dunn and watch The O.C, or are black and only watch black Movies, listen to hip hop, and think skiing is a white sport, will stay stuck within their own race because they don’t see room to waiver.” – Devin S.
In 2010, do you think you’d face more discrimination dating an black woman, than a white woman dating a black man would and why?
“I don’t believe I’d face more discrimination for dating an African American woman compared to my Caucasian woman counterparts. Once again, there is not only a double standard, but I believe that women (any color) have always been easier targets for criticism.” – K. C.
“I really wouldn’t care, but I would probably face some looks and strange glances.” – Brody J.
“No, it’s 2010. Maybe I live in some crazy liberal bubble, but my personal opinion on dating women of other cultures and backgrounds isn’t just normal, it’s rewarding and makes life more interesting. Why limit yourself? Pretty soon everyone will have mixed ethnic ancestry anyway. The sooner that happens the better, than maybe the issue of race will disappear completely and we can all date people for the right reason: who they are, not what they are.” – Jesse D.
“I own my own business, have my own house, bought my own car. Who’s going to tell me what to do and who to date? More importantly, who says I have to care? I expect stares and probably some negative conversation from my colleagues who think the American Dream is intertwined with a blonde bombshell with a rack and a nice set of legs. My American Dream, has been about doing what pleases me, not everyone else. If a black woman is in my future, than that’s where my dream will carry me. But black women have to be more open to letting a white man court them because we’re just as interested in them as they are in us. Hopefully.” – Paul G.
“Hell yes, but the question is from who? black women already get angry when they see black men cuddled up with a white woman. I know that because I’ve witnessed the murmurs. If they saw me with a sister, the discrimination wouldn’t be coming from them because they’d say, ‘It’s about time we did it too.’ On the other hand, I think both black men and my Caucasian brothers would throw all but a dagger through my front window over it. Why? White men would think I was a sell out, and black men I feel don’t like to see their women mixing with another race, even though they’re notorious for doing it in abundance themselves. Double standards but the truth is what it is.” – Rory H.