Thick, curvy, voluptuous—nah. I’m a proud fat Black chick with no hangups about my size, and I have the nerve to expect a romantic interest to be comfortable with it. I learned a long time ago that I needed to love myself before anyone else was going to love me, so I’m perfectly happy being on my own if I can’t find a partner who accepts me as I am. But my past experience has borne out that it’s not impossible for a fat chick to get a date. Being sexy and fat isn’t as hard as some people would have you believe.

That said, society doesn’t exactly make it easy on fat women to develop healthy self-esteem. Even within the Black community, where fat is supposedly accepted so much more readily than in other cultures, fat women experience discrimination, disgust and ridicule. Fat might be more acceptable, but you have to be a certain kind of fat—padding in all the “right” places and none where it’s not desirable. Fat women with bodies that don’t fit the bill are either desexualized and Mammy-fied, or their sexuality is seen as a joke—take for example, Eddie Murphy’s Rasputia in “Norbit.”  Black men dressing in fat woman drag and overpowering skinny men with their animalistic desire gets a lot of laughs because society has conditioned us to see fat female sexuality as something to be laughed at or disgusted by.

Where dating is concerned, there’s another stereotype regarding fat women to contend with that runs rampant in the minds of men in particular—the mythological fat chick with low self-esteem who will let any brother still breathing have a taste. While there are, of course, fat women out there with low self-esteem, most of the fat chicks I know aren’t down to settle for just anyone. This stereotype tends to be applied most often if you’ve got boobs and a booty. You might be carrying that spare tire, but that won’t stop men from hitting it and quitting it the morning after. Just don’t tell their boys.

The images we’re bombarded with via sources such as fashion magazines, hip hop videos, “reality” TV, and other outlets of mainstream media, reinforce the dominant cultural paradigm which states that only thin bodies can be desirable. Fat women are taught that they are less-than and unworthy of love or sexual pleasure. Being Black women, we already are made to believe that we’re not as attractive or desirable as our White counterparts—add fat to the mix and you’ve got a cocktail deadly to our self-esteem. Not to mention the constant barrage of news stories telling us we’re doomed to be single. If thin Black women aren’t getting any love, what are the chances for us fat Black chicks?

It’s often said that being a Black woman means you have to work twice as hard as the next White woman to be seen as equal. That goes doubly for fat Black women in the dating game. Everything has to be on point—hair bangin’, makeup perfectly applied, style impeccable—just to be noticed. Is it fair? Of course not. Is it real? Unfortunately, yes. But although appearance may be the key to get you in the door, even more important for your well-being and success at finding a quality partner is your internal game. It may be cliché, but confidence in yourself is your best asset. All you’re going to attract are scrubs if you don’t have a self-assured aura—and, yes, that means some nights you might be alone. It’s better to not have a date than to end up with some fool who doesn’t appreciate your value. You have to realize that you deserve a partner who isn’t out to take advantage of you or isn’t ashamed to be seen with you in the daylight. Don’t end up on someone’s “booty call” list.

If loving your body as it is is new to you, I suggest you get familiar with some voluptuous Black women who are famously comfortable in their own skin–and offering their tips on how to feel the same. I’m talking our lady Afrobella, the amazing Marie Denee of The Curvy Fashionista, everyone’s favorite MTV TJ Gabi Gregg, the forever fashion-forward Xtina from Musings of a Fatshionista, and any of the other gorgeous Black “fatshion” bloggers out there repping for the stylish plus-size chicks. Seeing these women work it just might give you the self-confidence to say no to the next zero who’s trying to hook up for a one-nighter. Unless, of course, you feel like a one-nighter, to which I say go get yours–as long as you’re doing it because you’re feeling sexually liberated and not downtrodden and lonely. Not judging, just saying.

Despite all of the obstacles fat Black women face while trying to find a potential partner, it’s not all bad. There are good prospects out there, you just need to be patient, refuse to suffer fools gladly, and practice self-love. Trust that if you send positive energy out there, you’ll get it in return. You might have to whack a few weeds down, but it’ll be worth it when you find that person who’s going to make you feel like the gorgeous fat Black woman you are. Belly, hips, thighs and all.

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  • pamela

    If you have to go through the drama to be with a man in the end he really isn’t worth it. Please ladies be yourself and true to yourself. @ Stacy stay natural it will be worth it in the end.

  • Heidi

    their is somebody for everybody but, being a dumbass who still thinks that health has ANYTHING to do with size or that your “concern” for the health of fat people is based on anything other than your displeasure to look at the “obese” is not appealing. , im not attracted to douchebags. They just dont do it for me but, other women love uninformed, judgmental tools so, dont fret guys there is somebody for everybody

    • secretaddy

      HA !!! I love your comment :) That guy @bob is a [insert unkind word here] !!

    • bob

      your just mad what I said was the truth , not just the black community but America has an obesity problem. Obese individuals have a greater risk of having high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes. We have to be more conscience of our health as African Americans and what we put in our bodies we are what we eat and exercise. Yeah Im an asshole for trying to encourage people to be healthier hey because im not attracted to big girls its not the end of the world some men love big girls some dont, some women like nerds, some dont every one has their preferences.

    • JoMama

      There was once a time when Black men preferred a bigger woman over a thin one. When I was in high school (1970s), I knew gals who got blown off for being “too skinny.” Nowadays, it seems like the Black men have become very self-loathing and will ignore the sistas while falling over themselves trying to get white skinny girls with long blonde hair over anyone else. Too bad. Even most thin Black women are still bigger than most white girls. They can’t help it. It’s bone structure.

  • This article is haute! I totally feel you. I get so tired of people with all these titles, hell I’m just a pretty fat girl and loving it baby. i don’t sweat the small stuff and I get my share of action so it is what it is.

  • Regardless of size men are attracted to confidence. I have had so many men who usually don’t date fat girls find me attractive. Once you love yourself for who you are that man will come who love you for you also!! Its not about our size. It’s about us being in love with ourselves. How can any man know how to love us if we don’t know how to love ourselves? It starts within. -Keke

  • mina

    I bet $10 this article is gonna blow-up by the afternoon with, “But fat isn’t sexy, it’s so unhealthy!!”

    • We hope not. Hopefully everyone will be very respectful and willing and open to learn from others.

    • Mimi

      Finish reading the last updated comments…

      ::pulls out wallet, takes out a ten dollar bill and gives it to Mina::

    • Of course it will. Because fat people can’t have anything positive come their way. Not unless they lose weight. smh.