I’ve thinking a lot about the “why are you single” question. Probably because I just got back from a wedding, I’ll be in two weddings next year, and my older sister and her husband are having another kid. See when I share the good news, folks usually want an update from me. And the older I get/ the longer I go without a boyfriend, the more frequently people wonder out loud why a young woman such as myself has yet to be linked with a strapping young man. My answer is usually some variation of “because I haven’t found anyone who makes me want to be unsingle” and if I’m really being a smart ass, “cuz I haven’t found anyone worth giving up my freedom.” All true. But a better answer probably: I haven’t found anyone that I can be myself with.
But I’m not pointing fingers, I’m owning it.
There are some people who know me as a very serious person. Goal and task oriented, I get ish done. There are other people who know me as a bit of a space cadet. I zone. Can’t make decisions.
I love being alone but I am quite social. I’m an adventurous homebody. Basically, I’m all over the place. And I love it. Yes, it can be annoying (I sometimes annoy myself), but really I think it’s quite awesome. But I haven’t always been so okay with being me. And truthfully, I’m not all the way there yet.
I’ve spent a lot of time only letting folks get to know pieces of me. And the list of reasons is long. Insecurity. Trying to be perfect. Always considering the rules. Wondering what he will think. Wondering what it all means. Fear of rejection and not being wifeable. Not wanting to be hurt again. On and on and on and on…
The older I get the less I care and the more honest I am with myself and those around me. With time I love myself and all of my layers, quirks, ticks, etc. more and more. Yes, it’s hard to share them, but I’m much happier when I do. And in the process of loving and sharing, I learn what I want and what’s important. I also recognize the truth in attracting who and what you are, or at least who and what you show people.
These days I think I’m closer to finding someone who is worth it because I’m a truer version of myself. Now how close am I ? Umm, no clue. And do these random realizations mean that suddenly your girl is ready to/looking to lock it down? Hell to the naw.
Just means I’m aware and I’m open to the possibilities.
I still stick to my theories on organics and make no promises.
I just felt like sharing.