If I had a dollar for every time a black man made a comment along the lines of, “That’s why I date white women,” or, “If black women keep it up, I’m going to start dating white girls,” I could probably retire at 30. But with the influx of women toting similar statements about how and why white women are “winning,” I might be able to reduce that number to 29.

I was over on the site Madame Noire (Bossip’s sister site) the other day when I came across the article, White Women Are #Winning, Step Your Game Up, based on a similarly titled article published in UPTOWN Magazine, Love: Why White Women Are Winning. Both articles address black women’s perceived attitudes, unwillingness to cater to our men, declining value in the institution of marriage, hesitation to date interracially, and lack of expectation for finding a man—basically stating white women are our polar opposites and are therefore not unlucky in love as we are.

Now if you truly feel that you need insight into some possible reasons to explain why you are single (in case you haven’t heard enough already), then, by all means, take heed to the advice presented, as that is not necessarily where the problem lies. The issue is the fact that black women have jumped on the “white women are better because of x,y,z” bandwagon.

My first thought when I saw the article was that this was a case of irresponsible publishing. Why, as websites and magazines that are supposed to be a service to black people, and black women in particular, would you publish something that places white women on a pedestal? None of the character traits mentioned in the article are true of all white women, just as not all of the negative stereotypes that are perceived to be holding black women back from finding their mate are true. Could either author not have written (another) article simply highlighting characteristics of women in effective relationships/marriages? It’s articles like these pitting black and white women against one another as two entirely different species that have the potential to revive black women’s ill feelings toward black men dating interracially—although we’ve been told time and time again to get over it or join the movement.

I think there is something inherently dangerous about making these sorts of comparisons. It’s not enough that blond hair and blue eyes are revered as the ideal standard of beauty by society as a whole, and that some black men will gladly step up and let everyone know why they prefer white women to loud, ghetto, hyper-independent black women, but now black women are telling one another to look up to white women as examples of how to be successful in relationships. What message are we sending ourselves when we make statements like, “white women are winning,” which implies we are losing?

It’s no wonder, as the UPTOWN author mentions, some younger generations believe that marriage is for white people. Maybe it’s because we’re propping up white women to black men and telling black women, you’re not her and the only way to have what she has is to be like her. This is not to say that the underlying principles of the article may not be useful (or that this is just a case of a black woman not wanting to hear what she needs to hear), but what is not helpful is reinforcing stereotypes within and outside of the black community that make black women feel inferior.

It is sort of amusing when we think about how perming ones hair or wearing a weave are signs of self-hatred and conforming to white standards of beauty, but it’s ok to conform to white standards of love. There are times when I think black people can overcomplicate issues of love and marriage, but articles like these remind me of just how complex our relationships are.

You can’t outright compare white and black women’s approaches to love no more than you can compare white and black men’s. I hate to introduce my own stereotypes here, but traditionally white girls are brought up to be someone’s princess and white men are groomed to provide financial stability for his family. Black women on the other hand may be told to provide for themselves because it’s not likely that someone else will do so, and black men may be told to watch out for goldiggers. These are huge differences in upbringing that black men and women don’t just leave at the door when they get googly-eyed for someone else. These beliefs affect the way we approach dating and it’s unfair to suggest either gender (although black women are the target) can easily drop this baggage and subscribe to the mainstream (white) school of thinking.

Personally, it’s a slap in the face whenever a black male counterpart makes explicit overgeneralizations about why he prefers white women to black women, but it’s an even bigger slap for black women to reinforce these notions ourselves. We have to be careful about the ideas we’re putting out into society. We’ve already opened a can of worms publicizing the plight of the single, educated black woman who can’t find a man, let’s not add putting white women on an even bigger pedestal as well.



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  • BigRJ

    To all the Black Women

    Lot of brathas are frustrated. I’m not talking about these ghetto brathas that come online, swear, curse and can’t construct a complete sentence, I’m talking about brathas that get overlooked because they’re not players, thugs, got game, hell-a-fine, etc. These are the brathas that do everything right by America society expectations, yet are getting shrugged by sistas on a daily basis.

    Then you sistas go on national TV and say there’s no good black men out their. Excuse me!!!
    How would you know there’s no good black men if you have a requirement list a mile long. I’ll ask the same questions Steve Harvey ask sistas
    1. Does he have to be 6+ feet?
    2. Does he have to make $$$ or more?
    3. Does he have to drive a nice car?
    4. Does he have to have it going on like 50Cents or Labron James

    If your answer is yes to any of these questions, don’t get all up in arms when a bratha decides to jump the fence. Because the truth is there’s a lot of good brathas out there that a lot of you sistas aren’t even checking for.

    And on another topic
    I love black women, but I hate this “Strong Black Women” mentality. I have my life together so I don’t need a strong women. I want a soft black women, a feminine, sweet, sensuous, soft spoken, smart black women. These are the things most brathas, with an IQ above 90 want. When they can’t find these traits within there own community, naturally, they’ll look elsewhere (jump the fence)

    Not all, but yes, I agree lots of sistas should consider looking at other women from other ethnicities and learn what they’re doing to maintain high rates of marriage. This is no different than we as blacks, looking at what whites and Asians are doing to maintain high economic status and copying them.

  • chris brown

    I agree with SWP 10000000 percent. Too bad this non sense and the foolishness black women are on is not going to change anytime soon. By the way i will be waiting for the next ABC special on why a black woman cannot get a man, let me guess, black men are in jail, in prison, gay, not educated n blah blah blah, like what the hell is new? These women simply do not want to change, they simply do not want to live up to higher standards n deal with black men that are of higher standards, so in reality i am getting older and not any younger n since many black women down to your corporate black woman in their 30s n 40s still have a thug loving mentality STILL, i really have no choice but to look else where for a feminine woman because in reality, many black women in MY community are just garbage. I am sorry.

  • EdgarAllenFro

    Sigh, this is precisely why I don’t ever read up on race topics when I’m bored, it depresses me everytime and also why I chose at a young age to refrain from as much social and “romantic” relationships as possible. I NEVER comment on this but I’m officially sick to my stomach. None of this applies to me, I’m passive yet assertive, serious yet sarcastic, and quiet but don’t take it as a sign of weakness
    A-AF. I’m a junior in college, I live the Gothic lifestyle (you read right), I’m a vegan, i’m a left-handed foil who’s quick on the repost but slow on their lunge, for those of you who don’t dabble in any form of swordsmanship that means I’m a Fencer. I can go on and on about why I’m an exception to the rules with my introverted habits of literature (can you guess my favorite writer?) video games (Call of Duty is overrated), anime/manga, Japanese metal (Dir en grey), and Rammstein along with other genres of music b/c I like it and rap and r&b has become too mundane for me and more often times than not TOO STUPID who is in the middle of learning 2 languages at once, and prep-ing for a teaching job in Korea next year (but it does little service to contributing to the debate) and yet I find myself and other A-As like me male and female who just want to live their lives how they want and love who they want continue to get sucked into this sick, twisted vicious circle of BM vs. BW that was not started by us but has now spiralled out of control into other ethnicities and is now being perpetuated by our own. I don’t give a F*CK about the white woman pedestal b/c it’s a superficial illusion, I’m to busy being myself and it shows around others no matter the race. I socialize with whoever I want just like A.AMs the only complaint I have about the WW/BM relationships is that I don’t like BM who gimme the stink-eye when they’re with their WW then I calm down and go back to my life. At what point does a person become responsible for themselves as an individual and not a group. I have high hopes for our people and our ability to achieve incredible things cause we’ve done it over and over again but the only way we can repair this growing sinkhole between us is to work on ourselves 1st and stop bringing our baggage to the table and that means ALL OF US myself included.
    Maybe my brain is just wired differently. Annnd Outro.

  • howrd

    I bet that someone will find my thought insulting, so let me say in advance that we all suffer from “negative mental legacies of slavery” resulting is what “we don’t know that we don’t know” kicking our butts consistently.

    In my opinion most of the comments reflect “slave mentality” (men…tality not meant to be a pun by the way). So many are so concerned about how we are “portrayed in the media, or that “not all of us are that way”, or there are some long term loving relationships (I know, because I’m in one)….but….the majority of black relationships are not happy, or loving, or satisfying; and that is something worth “drilling down on” rather than complaining about the “stereotype” that is all to common.

    There are so many valid, historically honest, reasons for the difficulties faced by blacks seeking “meaningful longitudinal relationships with an empowered adult today”..starting with how we define a man and a woman and relationship and love. We have to drag them out of the closet not to dog each other out, but to understand that we are still living the culture of the american slave because we have never examined that monster, so we can deconstruct it, and consciously choose to take out a clean sheet of paper and reconstruct our culture to create and nurture empowered people and empowering relationships.

    By the way…in my book a man is “an empowered adult of the male persuasion” with empowerment defined as one of high character, virtue, values and life skills. A woman is exactly the same thing of the female persuasion. A relationship and/or marriage is a “meaningful and longitudinal relationship between two empowered adults founded in love.” Finally, love is “being firmly committed to aiding someone else to realize their potential as an empowered adult.

    I have not proofed because I am usually way to busy doing all I can via real action to foster our community healing. I was referred here but won’t return just due to time constrains so if anyone wants to communicate please do so via black-pages.com or TheTransformationalAgenda.org.

    Let’s completely reconstruct our culture during the next 20 years…leaving negative mental legacies of slavery behind, recognizing that we have the power to control our destiny, and that we can heal our community without the aid or assistance of anyone else. We simply need to realize what it is that is constraining us that we don’t even know that we don’t know exists…and that it is the humongous lie today that we have no power to recreate our culture. Know exactly why we do wacky self-destructive things, and thus how to stop doing it, and that we have the power, will result in our healing as long as we develop enough love for our people to volunteer (time-tithe) empowerment one to another.

    Let do it.