“I don’t feel anything,” I lamented to one of the homies.

“But you have so much in common, y’all are like the same person.”

That was true. And because of this I entertained him a bit longer. I was hoping that sparks would fly. That the next time he quoted a rap line that I could’ve sworn no one else knew, it would ignite something in me to make me fall madly, truly, deeply. Rap line after rap line, joke after joke, favorite movie quote after favorite movie quote– there was nothing. So why didn’t I “platonic it” immediately? I needed to like him. I was desperate to like him. He got me, and dudes don’t usually get me.

I worried, what if no one else ever “got” me?

Logic says clearly there were folks before, and there will be folks after, who get you and (gasp) there will be a mutual attraction.

And on top of logic, a reality check comes in the form of a very serious question: What makes you so effing special and different that you are somehow so utterly impossible to “get”?

But we’re not talking logic or reality checks here. We’re talking about that point where you believe your own hype so much that you rock with the first person who “gets” you. Why? Because you’re rare.

Oh yeah I’m rare…

I’m aware that I’m rare…

Jay explains, “I rap and I’m real, I’m one of the few here,” but many of the women I know have sung a similar tune and followed up with a number of traits they feel set them apart from everyone else. But does it?

Sometimes it’s a degree (or two), places they’ve traveled, or even an odd quirk that no one seems to “get.” (Actually, it’s especially the odd quirk no one seems to get.)

Discussions about settling, and those who refuse to do it, might make you think that a person who considers herself rare to be very anti-settling. But what if she isn’t?

Maybe she’s been told that men are intimidated by her success. Maybe she’s heard, on more than one occasion, that she’s a little too outspoken and really should calm it down. But she doesn’t really want to change and her initial reaction is to develop a philosophy that ultimately says: If he doesn’t get me, he isn’t meant for me. Which is just an example of great self-esteem, right? Possibly.

Maybe that’s how it starts–with high dose of self-esteem–but it can quickly morph into something completely different.

Holding on to the things that make you who you are shows strength of character. It shows that you are willing to stick to what you believe in, even if your friends and family are trying to convince you that certain traits will leave you on the market longer than desired. But then again, having a “if he doesn’t get me, he isn’t meant for me” mantra on repeat convinces you not only of your rarity, but also of the scarcity of men who do “get” you.

When you operate from a space of scarcity rather than abundance, you make choices based on fear. And decisions rooted in fear rarely turn out well. Thus when Mr. “I do the door test because a Bronx Tale is one of my favorite movies,” comes along, it’s easy to convince yourself that you should, in fact, fall. Even when you feel nothing at all. And what was once a notion of high self-esteem becomes “well he thinks I’m awesome and no one else does…” Not sounding like confidence anymore, huh?

For all of the types of settling folks discuss, I don’t hear about this one often enough. Yet, I feel like I see it all the time. Dating great guys with great resumes (if you’re into that), who like the same bizzaro crap you do, just because you’re afraid no one will understand you, Ms. I’m So Rare, is still settling.

Don’t do it yourself.

Be patient.

You may be different or rare or whatever, but that’s no reason to force what you don’t feel because he “gets” you.

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