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Picture it.

You’re out running daily errands and as you stand in the aisle pondering the difference between buying your usual Clorox cleaner and the new green brand, you see him. He’s just your type on the outside, tall, dark, handsome and his smile makes you want to put on those new vintage Dior shades you just spent your rent check on. You flash a smile and he flashes one back. Got him! You two chit chat it up for a second and then exchange numbers.

Six months later…

Everything is going great, better than expected actually. He’s a wonderful man and you have no complaints. You two relate on almost every level from childhood dreams to adult goals, both educated, family oriented and he is so attentive and thoughtful you have to pinch yourself to make sure it’s all real. You both love the time you spend together and you can’t wait to see where this goes. You’ve started thinking commitment, but you feel like everything is still kind of brand new and in the honeymoon phase, so you relax and enjoy.

Another six months later…

Everything is still going well. You spend almost every moment together; talk on the phone all the time and pretty much move like a regular couple. All that’s missing is the title, so you decide to bring up the topic. During the course of the conversation he expresses the same sentiments as you, and while he doesn’t express NOT wanting to be in an official relationship with you and is adamant that isn’t the case, he hits you with that time-honored man classic: “I feel that right now it might complicate things.”

WTF??!!

You take a step back, put the heavy lamp in your hand down and breathe. You convince yourself that it has only been a year and figure that since everything is great except this one issue, maybe you can ease up a bit. You both agree to not see other people (another side-eye/wtf moment) and you drop the conversation.

Two YEARS later…

You wake up one day, look around and wonder why in the HELL you still don’t have a title yet … bump that, why you don’t have a RING! You two now live together and have a 10-month-old daughter. You cook together, clean together and even have a joint checking account. He’s still the wonderful man you met all those years ago, he still makes you happy and the butterflies you get whenever he walks into a room are just as strong as the day you met. The only thing that spoils the picture perfect “relationship” you two share is that technically, it isn’t a relationship.

No titles have been given and you gave up on having that conversation again a long time ago. By all appearances you’re a couple, there just isn’t an official title on it yet. Deep inside you can honestly say you’re happy with him, you couldn’t have asked for a better man to come into your world, but an even deeper part of you knows that you want and deserve a commitment. You deserve more than limbo after all the time you’ve spent together. You deserve more than a man that’s not afraid to love you, but is afraid to commit to you. You deserve someone selflessly willing to provide you with both.

Sound familiar? Of course it does, we’ve all been there and some of us are there right now. We’ve all been locked in that self-destructive steel cage death match between our head and our heart. So what’s a woman in this situation to do? Do you give it all up? Do you let go of an otherwise healthy situation simply because there is no title or definition to what the two of you have? Do you risk leaving and possibly never finding that kind of love again? What’s more important, the title or the love he clearly shows? Or, do you remain hopelessly committed to non-commitment?

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  • Loving the dialogue going on here! I wrote the article because I know way too many women who have ended up in this exact situation. I was once young and dumb and waited around in a non relationship and when it was over I was completely devastated. Fortunately for me I didn’t move in or have a child with those men, but so many of us aren’t that lucky. I agree with all of you in that we need to demand more, not just from our partners, but from ourselves as well We need to know that compromise will be accepted, settling will not and we deserve to receive just as much (if not more) love, respect and commitment as we give.

    Thanks for reading!!