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Seasame Street’s oldest couple will be forced to keep the common law party going, as the creators of the show have rebuffed efforts to let Bert and Ernie become New York’s newest gay married couple. A small internet campaign was led to have the two muppets marry, in order to teach children about diversity and acceptance; this came after years of jokes regarding the orientation of the two men who’ve shared a crib since 1969.  Sesame Workshop responded with a resounding ‘thanks but no’: “Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.”

Personally, while I think the gay wedding would have been a fantastic teachable moment, we can instead use Bert and Ernie to talk about co-dependent dudes who carry the college lifestyle thing on waaaaay too long. Bert could have a nice condo of his own somewhere and a nice girl (or boy)friend. But no, he’s got Ernie eating cookies in the bed and sh*t, scaring off any real romantic prospect. Ernie probably doesn’t even have a job and I bet he’s constantly asking for Bert to front him $200 on the rent or to hold him down until he can ‘try and get it back together’. I see you Ernie! I know dudes like you. And I’m gonna teach my daughter not to get attached to a Bert who’s got someone like you holding him back in life, real talk.

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