Howdy. Before I get into this mini-rant, I want to again put it out there that I do not hate men. I love them, in fact. Especially my father, my brother, my homeboys, my boo, the many men who I may not know super well, but have connected with or encountered in some professional or personal way and hold in high esteem. Mos Def. Idris Elba. Drake (when his skin is tan and his hair is long). Men are awesome. Go men! Whoop.
However, I have gotten my absolute fill of some of the venom and nastiness that I hear, read and observe from SOME men on a fairly regular basis. Thus, I am humbly requesting that those offenders out there cease and desist all conversations regarding the following:
Celebrity Prenuptual Agreements: It’s more likely than not that you will die without seeing $60 mil in your bank account. So while you may think that whichever NBA player is a damn fool for getting married to the girl he met at Hooters three months after their first date, you really don’t need to get all worked up when it’s announced that he didn’t make her sign a prenup. Instead of ranting about what you would do if you had his money, consider thinking of these agreements in terms of how they fit in to your actual life. Might you make Tasha sign something saying that she promises not to take half of your $36k a year salary and $100k in student loan debt? Perhaps. You never know, she might really come for your collection of 6 pairs of Jordans in a nasty breakup, so it’s something to consider. But those millions on millions that you don’t have? Probably shouldn’t get so mad about those. Nobody’s gonna take your complete House Party VHS tape collection, promise.
Famous Men Women Love: Mychal’s piece about his girl’s obsession with Idris Elba was cute and he managed to ‘complain’ without really revealing some sort of contempt. But man, let me tell you, I have had ENOUGH of men who can’t suffer a woman complimenting a handsome man without identifying seven reasons why he ain’t all that, would never want us or is probably suffering from some sort of unheard of, incurable STD. Yes, we may point out that Cassie’s remaining hair is part-weave or that you are too old to perv on Vanessa Simmons, but we don’t go as hard as the men do with this sort of hating. Please stop calling every man we like gay, telling us that they ‘like White women anyway,’ that they are actually 5’2″ in real life…we don’t actually think we’re gonna run off with The Rock, so can we enjoy him in peace? The same dudes who go to town on our Andre 3000 lust are out here saying things like, “Serena Williams can get it.” As if you’re the prize and you’re blessing her. LOL, son. L-O-L.
Feminism: I’d never say that there aren’t reasonable criticisms of feminist ideologies, feminist movements and feminists…I’d just say that they rarely come from heterosexual men who haven’t seen a (insert word that I’d never actually say on this site, but I’m thinking it) since they came out of their mother’s. Romantic frustration and ill-advised entitlement don’t make you an expert on gender studies, so can you have read a bit more about feminism than, say, an article on RudeDudes.com that explains how bitches are taking over the world before you make us suffer through a 3000 word comment-essay about how pro-women movements are destroying the Black community? Thanks. Put that argument about how the ‘real’ issue being absentee fathers is women who keep their kids away from their desperate, loving dads in the vertical file while you’re at it, because its not as common as your blinding hatred of women would have you think. This all goes double for Black men, who would probably be ashamed if they realized how painfully similar their “takedowns” of women’s issues sound to those of racist White folks denouncing the struggles of Colored people.
“Hoes”: We womenfolk have gotten pretty tired of certain men telling us that those of us who aren’t virgins, wear skirts above the knee, and use tampons are on the loose side. We don’t see you pulling the puritanical act when policing your own peens, so feel free to join the rest of us here in 2011. Besides, I’d imagine that lowered expectations for sexual partners is probably helping you far more than it hurts you. If we were all out here waiting for Prince Charming to unlock our chastity belts, y’all dudes would never get laid. Get a gratitude journal and pay homage, kiddo.
Unreasonable Physical Standards: It’s one thing to have preferences or certain assets that you appreciate. But, err…if you are a man with a DD-cup, you probably should bite your tongue before hollering about how some size 6 girl needs to tone up her tummy. It’s not cool for the brother with a 6-pack to rip a woman for being “too small” or “too big,” but it sounds even more foolish coming from someone who wouldn’t recognize the gym if it fell in his lap while he watched “Entourage” and ate a second medium pizza. Most of women aren’t going to have 36-24-40 bodies, just as few of you have D’Angelo cuts on a 6’5 frame and a package that would require extra postage. Deal with it. Oh, and if your mom was the last one who called you “cute”? Yeah, you should probably tread really lightly before hollering about who’s a dime and who isn’t. Newsflash: looks matter to us, too. And so does personality. Do you really want to lose both contests?
That’s not so hard, right? Let these hangups go and you’ll be 75% less likely to be the human equivalent of a yeast infection. And you may have more girl friends. Or girlfriends. Or both. Can’t beat that!