Lately, it seems that everyone is concerned about Black women’s love lives. Our singlehood is a huge topic of conversation lately, by the entire blogosphere, media at large and Tony Gaskins (Sidenote: Tony Gaskins is a dude who is holding 6-week classes for women on how they can find relationships. For the low, low price of $99. I’d like to offer him a high chair in the corner to have. Sir, please sit.).

I’m over it. Plus, no one is saying anything new and it seems that a lot of the people offering insight are men. Who happen to be very single. Or newly married. Or divorced.

So, since some fellas are hellbent on pissing off single women with their unsolicited advice, I decided to help them out.

7 Ways To Piss Off Single Women

1. Tell us we’re single because we wear a weave

Get out of our scalps. What do our hairhats have to do with our ability to be in a relationship? For folks to say some women can’t get booed up because they enjoy lacefronts and other weave varieties is foolish. No, they may not have grown it out their own scalp but they can show you the receipts, so it’s theirs (Ask Whitney). Yes, I get it that it makes it hard for men to give scalp massages but still. Massage folks elsewhere. Let folks’ Yaki 45s be great.

2. Tell us we’re single because we have natural hair

Apparently, some men are saying women can’t find boos because they choose to wear their hair natural. People are telling women they’d find men if they got perms so their hair won’t be “nappy.” LISTEN. Let folks live right with the hair the good Lord blessed them with. No, you might not be able to run your fingers through some of our heads after day 5 of our twistouts but catch us right after a deep conditioning and you can frolic in our coifs for at least 2 hours (after it dries and shrinks, of course).

3. Tell us we’re single because we don’t wear heels enough

If I choose to wear flats to the club, that is my prerogative. No I did not come to get chose. The girl whose Love Pocket is peeking out from under her too-short dress seems good and ready for cuffing season though. Pick her. I’ll be over here in my Converse Chucks, walking comfortably even after 3 hours. Maybe folks don’t want to wear heels all the time because they know they can’t walk well in them. Respect them for staying in their lanes. There are few things as pitiful as seeing someone shuffling across the floor because they got on stilettos in the club.

4. Tell us we’re single because we expect too much

Some fellas are running around telling women they’re single because they want too much. Like chivalry. And a man who can pay for dinner without a coupon. This is, apparently, asking for too much. In the era of “Independent women” (which I shun but that’s another post for another day), some folks still want a man that has ALL of his life together. Things like good credit and 401(k)s are sexy. If folks want their men to be able to co-sign a loan, then hey, that’s what they want. There’s nothing wrong with expecting what you bring to the table to be reciprocated. Just don’t expect someone to have everything together when you can’t even qualify for a Rush Card.

5. Tell us we’re single because we can’t cook. Or don’t cook for you.

Fellas, some of you say you can’t date a woman who doesn’t cook for you. Well, what have you done for me lately? A lot of women can cook but they just don’t want to cook for you nor do they enjoy being in the kitchen. Does this negate their other awesome qualities? Aight fine. Can you change my tires for me? Oh. You can? Well, fine, I might make you a PB&J sammich. But if I don’t want to cook 7 days a week, then you learn to cook yourself and handle your business in the kitchen.

6. Tell us we’re single because we’re prudes

Some of you guys are telling women they’re single because they’re slightly prudish. Well in the era of STIs, can you blame people for wanting to keep their Love Pockets to themselves? When folks hear stuff like 50% of all sexually active adults have HPV, the virus that causes cervical cancer, you just want to join a nunnery and live a life of purity. Especially when condoms don’t stop transmission of this disease because skin-to-skin contact that causes it. Oh and when you further hear that HPV is now causing throat cancer through blowjobs, you just wanna pick up your Dereon duffle and vacate all sexual premises.

Folks should be slightly glad to run into a prudish chick. Wife her so then she can get down and nasty with you. But before then, let her be great.

7. Tell us we’re single because we’re hoes

Folks always say you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, but the devil is a lie. Everyone is familiar with the girl from college who slept with everyone on the football team. Then when she graduated, moved far away and now has the perfect husband and kids. And according to Twitter, being lax with your Love Pocket is the new Black. Many a woman have a past full of walks of shame. More of you guys do too. Yes, I know it’s a double standard but stop the hypocrisy. Sexual looseness is a phase we call “college.” Get off your high horses because the girl you might want to wife now might not have been Mother Teresa back in the day, and that’s ok. It doesn’t make her an awful person. She might still be an awesome mother and wife one day.

Guys, no one is perfect. Some folks are single by choice, but for those who are looking, the above reasons are not why they’re single. If that were the case, no woman would be in a relationship. Just because you have a strong preference for weaves or freaky virgins, doesn’t mean other dudes will have the same criteria. I want all of you to have a stadium of seats ___. Or a Sofa {___/}. Just sat down. Your insight on this topic is no longer wanted, and certainly not needed. Especially since you’re spending all your nights with your favorite lotion. Or on your XBOX.

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