Lately, it seems that everyone is concerned about Black women’s love lives. Our singlehood is a huge topic of conversation lately, by the entire blogosphere, media at large and Tony Gaskins (Sidenote: Tony Gaskins is a dude who is holding 6-week classes for women on how they can find relationships. For the low, low price of $99. I’d like to offer him a high chair in the corner to have. Sir, please sit.).

I’m over it. Plus, no one is saying anything new and it seems that a lot of the people offering insight are men. Who happen to be very single. Or newly married. Or divorced.

So, since some fellas are hellbent on pissing off single women with their unsolicited advice, I decided to help them out.

7 Ways To Piss Off Single Women

1. Tell us we’re single because we wear a weave

Get out of our scalps. What do our hairhats have to do with our ability to be in a relationship? For folks to say some women can’t get booed up because they enjoy lacefronts and other weave varieties is foolish. No, they may not have grown it out their own scalp but they can show you the receipts, so it’s theirs (Ask Whitney). Yes, I get it that it makes it hard for men to give scalp massages but still. Massage folks elsewhere. Let folks’ Yaki 45s be great.

2. Tell us we’re single because we have natural hair

Apparently, some men are saying women can’t find boos because they choose to wear their hair natural. People are telling women they’d find men if they got perms so their hair won’t be “nappy.” LISTEN. Let folks live right with the hair the good Lord blessed them with. No, you might not be able to run your fingers through some of our heads after day 5 of our twistouts but catch us right after a deep conditioning and you can frolic in our coifs for at least 2 hours (after it dries and shrinks, of course).

3. Tell us we’re single because we don’t wear heels enough

If I choose to wear flats to the club, that is my prerogative. No I did not come to get chose. The girl whose Love Pocket is peeking out from under her too-short dress seems good and ready for cuffing season though. Pick her. I’ll be over here in my Converse Chucks, walking comfortably even after 3 hours. Maybe folks don’t want to wear heels all the time because they know they can’t walk well in them. Respect them for staying in their lanes. There are few things as pitiful as seeing someone shuffling across the floor because they got on stilettos in the club.

4. Tell us we’re single because we expect too much

Some fellas are running around telling women they’re single because they want too much. Like chivalry. And a man who can pay for dinner without a coupon. This is, apparently, asking for too much. In the era of “Independent women” (which I shun but that’s another post for another day), some folks still want a man that has ALL of his life together. Things like good credit and 401(k)s are sexy. If folks want their men to be able to co-sign a loan, then hey, that’s what they want. There’s nothing wrong with expecting what you bring to the table to be reciprocated. Just don’t expect someone to have everything together when you can’t even qualify for a Rush Card.

5. Tell us we’re single because we can’t cook. Or don’t cook for you.

Fellas, some of you say you can’t date a woman who doesn’t cook for you. Well, what have you done for me lately? A lot of women can cook but they just don’t want to cook for you nor do they enjoy being in the kitchen. Does this negate their other awesome qualities? Aight fine. Can you change my tires for me? Oh. You can? Well, fine, I might make you a PB&J sammich. But if I don’t want to cook 7 days a week, then you learn to cook yourself and handle your business in the kitchen.

6. Tell us we’re single because we’re prudes

Some of you guys are telling women they’re single because they’re slightly prudish. Well in the era of STIs, can you blame people for wanting to keep their Love Pockets to themselves? When folks hear stuff like 50% of all sexually active adults have HPV, the virus that causes cervical cancer, you just want to join a nunnery and live a life of purity. Especially when condoms don’t stop transmission of this disease because skin-to-skin contact that causes it. Oh and when you further hear that HPV is now causing throat cancer through blowjobs, you just wanna pick up your Dereon duffle and vacate all sexual premises.

Folks should be slightly glad to run into a prudish chick. Wife her so then she can get down and nasty with you. But before then, let her be great.

7. Tell us we’re single because we’re hoes

Folks always say you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, but the devil is a lie. Everyone is familiar with the girl from college who slept with everyone on the football team. Then when she graduated, moved far away and now has the perfect husband and kids. And according to Twitter, being lax with your Love Pocket is the new Black. Many a woman have a past full of walks of shame. More of you guys do too. Yes, I know it’s a double standard but stop the hypocrisy. Sexual looseness is a phase we call “college.” Get off your high horses because the girl you might want to wife now might not have been Mother Teresa back in the day, and that’s ok. It doesn’t make her an awful person. She might still be an awesome mother and wife one day.

Guys, no one is perfect. Some folks are single by choice, but for those who are looking, the above reasons are not why they’re single. If that were the case, no woman would be in a relationship. Just because you have a strong preference for weaves or freaky virgins, doesn’t mean other dudes will have the same criteria. I want all of you to have a stadium of seats ___. Or a Sofa {___/}. Just sat down. Your insight on this topic is no longer wanted, and certainly not needed. Especially since you’re spending all your nights with your favorite lotion. Or on your XBOX.

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  • grandgryph

    1. if your hair looks consistently ridiculous, and you seem not to notice or care that it looks ridiculous despite you spending x amount of time and money on it, what the man is really saying is that you are a loser.

    2. `natural’ does mean crusty and unstyled. some women think it does. granted, there are guys out there who play on women’s racial insecurities, but i think most decent guys don’t care as much about hair as women think they do.

    3. heels are sexy. you automatically get more attention if you can rock heels. you are missing out on catching a man’s eye by not wearing them sometimes. but a man who says you are single because you don’t wear heels is probably a moron.

    4. some women use shifting and ridiculous standards to obscure the fact that either they don’t want or emotionally aren’t ready for a sexually exclusive long term relationship. but, admitting this generally gets them the `hoe’ label. so to avoid that, and have sexual experiences without all the demands and expectations, they pick a decent guy and keep switching things standards up or a guy with obvious defects but can fling pipe and when the get tired of him or people start asking questions, they claim they were `diiickmatized’. the fact that other things happen – like the weasel in nice guy clothing – doesn’t mean that the ridiculous and/or slippery standard thing doesn’t happen too. it does.

    5. men are very simple creatures. 95% of men can be had if a woman he finds attractive is
    1) emotionally competent
    2) a skilled and passionate lover and
    3) can cook him some good food at the drop of a dime.

    this is an controvertible fact. women who complain about not be able to find a good man basically are admitting that they either choose poorly or don’t want to do `man-keeping’ things.

    6. being a prude is limited to not being promiscuous. it is one’s attitude toward sex and usually a phony moralism and health concerns that – it just so happens – allows sex to be used to shoehorn one’s way into a long-term relationship. a woman who is falsely moralistic and needs to use sex like lever is probably not confident in her ability to function as a real partner. and, the reality is for most of the strategic prudes is that they’re still phucking somebody or will be soon. adults have needs.

    7. a whore is a person who has sex for social and/or material gain. a person who has sex with any and everybody would be a `slut’ not a ‘whore’. promiscuity doesn’t make one a `whore’. seeking to profit from sexual activity does. `whores’ are generally clever and selective in a way `sluts’ are not. a woman who is used to using sex for some form of social and material advancement will find it very difficult to be the warm and giving soul, or the help mate that, a housewife is supposed to be. we can find exceptions to the rule, but they are not the rule.

  • Summery- dont talk about hair, sex, cooking, foot wear or standards… Gotcha

    But… What else is their to talk about…. :/

    • Melanie

      1. LOL. This is hilarious. But honestly, I think a lot of Black men just feel like if you’re wearing a weave, they’re not getting the “real” woman. I get it. But I don’t think those are terms to tell a female this is the reason she will be or is single. I have met men who like weaves and men who don’t. I think that depends on the person.

      2. This is a new one. I go between natural curly, straight and even weaves from time to time. And oddly enough, I get more attention when I wear my natural hair. I don’t know if I could agree with this one. But I feel like a lot of men just like hair. They like for women to have the feminine flair. Again, I get it. But guys, please try to see past this. Not every female is trying to rock the Rapunzel look. Some women just love their natural locks.

      3. Okay. This one is tough. Because I am sure we all know men are visual creatures. So what’s so wrong about putting on a pair of heels from time to time to sexy it up for a guy? Heels don’t have to be your formal wardrobe staple, but I have noticed that when we at least put a wee bit of effort into adding sex appeal-whether via heels, makeup, fragrance, etc.- men do appreciate it. We like for guys to come correct and stay polished, so what’s so wrong with doing the same? Will wearing tennis shoes keep you single? Hell no. But let’s be honest: whenever you have dolled yourself up a bit, have you not gotten a little more attention than usual? I think so. If there are women seeking men, I think it’s okay to doll up a bit to grab attention.

      4. Both men and women expect too much. All races. Not just Black women and Black men.

      5. Sigh. SMH. This one is tough. Both men and women should learn how to cook. We are living in an era where women are making just as much, if not more money than men. Hence, the hard work that comes along with that money being made. Women don’t always feel like cooking, just like men don’t always feel like cutting the grass, washing the cars etc. Yes, food is an everyday staple to survival, and washing the cars aren’t. But you catch my drift. Take turns helping with cooking. Jeez. If you both hate to do cook, find a way to compromise. This really shouldn’t still be an argument. Men, you are dating women from the 50’s, help out and stop being lazy. Women, it may nice to make a meal every now and then. Move on.

      6. I don’t always associate being a prude with sexuality. Some women are just super uptight. As far as personality, both Black women and Black men could lighten up a bit. As far as sex, Men, get over it. There are too many diseases out here for anyone to just be running wild and getting in bed with whomever.

      7. Hoes. Whores. Sluts. Whatever. Women are just as open with their sexuality nowadays just as men are. So guys, spare me the whining. If you plan to marry a virgin, plan to be single for a long damn time. It’s just the facts. A woman who has had more sexual partners than you agree with does not mean she is a slut or whore. Especially when women are so eager to see past a man’s “number”. Let it go. You will definitely miss out a some possible good potential “wives” if you continue to judge this way.