I went to bed in real life with a man I had slept with at least a dozen times in my dreams.  It was a Friday night. Late.  We listened to Sade on the car ride back to his East Harlem condo.  Ironically, his bedroom was a calming shade of green and that should have been conducive to the lovemaking. It was for a while.  We graced the air with the scent of my perfume mixed with passion laced sweat and we repainted the walls in the midst of the act. They turned from that hypnotic shade of green to a color I can only describe properly as ecstasy, like that feeling you get when you’re on your way to heaven.  I arrived twice, but he never did.  And even though heaven is still heaven no matter which way you look at it… it’s lonely at the top when you’re the only one there.

I was disappointed to say the least, but as much as I wanted my late night lover to enjoy the supernatural as much as I,  my own ego would be bruised if he ever faked an orgasm and I reminded him of this very fact early the next morning. So bruised that I may be forced to Lorena Bobbitt his balls and relegate him to a lifetime of feigned orgasms.

According to a recent AskMen Male Survey, 30 % of respondents have faked an orgasm at least once.  That’s almost half. So much for the prevailing theory that men can climax whenever, wherever, with just a slight breeze or hand graze. It’s just not true.  Reasons cited for the bluff: boredom, fatigue, pressure to perform.

I fake oohs, aahs, and yeses…all the time.  I do it so much, it often comes naturally and sometimes I do it without even realizing I’m doing it. I do it because, like many women, reaching orgasm with a man is not easy, and yet, I want my man’s head size to grow, pun intended.  I want him to feel wanted, needed, desired. I want him to feel like Denzel Washington in Training Day, like King Kong ain’t got nothing on him. But when my significant other has a problem climaxing, I’m left feeling hungry.  Is it too dry? Is it too loose? Am I not sexy enough? What’s the problem?  Questions looming in the mind of even the most confident woman when her man does not reach his “peak.”

Relax. Enjoy the ride. Don’t try. Just be.

My words of wisdom in an attempt to ameliorate the problem.  Words I should heed myself when I fake the big O. The truth is, when men (and women) feel they need to pretend in order to make her happy, it really is only perpetuating the problem. They start to equate sex with a rock hard erection instead of an emotional closeness. Communication is key. Listen to her body and talk to her. Feel the inside of her walls and meditate on that for a minute.  The journey is just as crucial as the destination, sometimes even more. He should tell her what he likes, and likewise, she should tell him because that’s what lovers do. It takes time to get to know each other’s bodies, and for a couple, enjoying the journey together can be rewarding in an inextricable bond that is both sexual and emotional in nature.

In my dreams, I never “finish” with my late night lover. I only dream of the beginning, the seduction, the kissing, the touching, the first moments of penetration. Maybe it’s because in the subconscious, these are the moments most important, most beautiful to me. I’m much less impressed by the sticky white stuff that ends up in the condom, on the duvet, or dripping down my leg.

Still, while I would very much enjoy his arrival, if an hour and a half passes and he has yet to get there, his arms are tired, and his erection is waning, I would just as much appreciate an honest and genuine kiss on the neck, the shoulder, and the lips, just before he rolls over, lets me curl up in his arms, and falls asleep.

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