Recently, I saw VH1’s newest reality show, “Why Am I Still Single?” Although it was quite clear why the people on the show were unattached (one was extremely socially awkward, another was pompous and shallow), sometimes it’s not so clear why we—regular folk—are still rolling dolo.

I’ve had this conversation with my friends a few times while we lamented about our inability to really find someone worthwhile. No, we weren’t on ‘Nightline’ panic, woe is me mode, but we were really trying to figure out why we—in spite of our absolute dopeness (just sayin’)—were still single.

I’ve had some time to think about it and have boiled it down to three things. Sure there are a lot more, but we’ll start here.

Shall we?

You’re single because…

1)   Your expectations are high: Notice how I didn’t say they were TOO high, which is what Steve Harvey and the 50-leven fake “experts” have to say. But by merely HAVING expectations you knock out a significant amount of riff-raff, and limit your dating options. A few weeks ago my friend asked, “How do these chicks with like 5 kids and four baby daddies have a boo, but I don’t?”

Well, I’d wager that her expectations of what kind of man she’d accept/expect weren’t exactly high. Or even existent. Getting a man (or a woman) is easy. I repeat. Getting a man is EASY.No matter what you look like, I’m almost certain that with a little effort you could easily pull SOMEbody…but would that person appeal to you and turn you on in EVERY way (emotionally, intellectually, sexually?)? Probably Not. Choose wisely.

2)   You’re an asshole: Yes, this gets the best of us. Now, I fancy myself as a nice person, but I’ll admit, I have some asshole tendencies. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. Being an ass can protect you against folks who are just not worth your time, or suckas who be on that BS.

Being an asshole can prevent you getting all up in your feelings about a man (or woman) who shouldn’t have warranted a second look, but somehow, is trying their hardest to get you to fall for them. Nuh uh. I ain’t going out like that, son. Yes…some assholes are evil. Those are the mean ones, but if you wear your “I don’t give a _____” attitude on your sleeve to weed out the lames and only drop your guard for those potentials who are WORTH it? Then you might find that you’re still single because you haven’t met the right one yet. And that’s ok. As long as your asshole armor isn’t so thick that you can’t ditch it when necessary, you’ll be fine. *Kanye shrug *

3)   You’re not ready: Although you might be tired of spending every Saturday night with your girls or on your couch making it a Netflix night, truth be told…you’re not ready to be boo’ed up. If being with the same man for longer than a month makes you feel claustrophobic, or if you like the freedom of not having to include someone else in your plans, YOU’RE NOT READY.  Sure, it would be nice to have someone to share your bed and your dinner plates with, but finding and pursing a relationship with someone when you really aren’t ready to commit is just a recipe for disaster.

Sometimes it feels like dating IS rocket science. Finding the right partner, knowing when to share your skeletons, and being vulnerable can be a daunting task. But constantly wondering why you—in all of your glory—is still single with others are happily coupled does little to 1) help you find a mate and 2) feel better about yourself. So stop it, and enjoy!

Are you single? Why?


*This post was originally published on WhoUCallinABitch.com, a blog about love, sex, dating and everything in between.

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  • It is tough at times to be single. I think one of the hardest things is that we feel ourselves as women adn we decide to be jerks to guys that are jerks we often make the mistake of hurting the good guys. I’ve been through some crappy relationships and dating experiences to know that I have been way to naive and nice and need to buckle down. However, I’ve seen that in being the arshole, I have hurt guys that are genuine in their approach or feelings (however claim that they aren’t ready for a relationship). Now I’m at a place where I feel like guys are going to have to fight for my love. It’s really tough when you live in a romantic world where you feel as if folks are constantly trying to play you. But what can you do? I guess wait until the right one comes along….

  • Lo

    Women now-a-days are sooo confused and don’t know what they want. With this new era of “high” intellect and independence, women will contiue to stay single, and not live up to their role in the relationship. It is so sad, but is very true, especially for the women here in Atlanta #spoiledandforeverrotten.

    • Paul

      I agree.The majority of the women in Atlanta and beyond are so “sure” of themselves, that they feel as though they don’t need a man. Which, in turn, is the primary reason most of you guys are single and will continue to be. Men and women have roles that are to be played, but with this new era of high intellect and independence, women have confused themselves with what roles they are to play. The word submission has nothing to do with waiting on a man hand and foot, it has everything to do with being a proper compliment to your spouse. That’s a fact, not a rumor. I’m just saying.

    • SAA


    • damidwif

      bullshit. unless maybe that’s an ATL thang

  • Mimi

    WOW!!! There are some seriously good/funny/deep answers in these comments. I’m in a relationship, but was single for about 7 years before I met the right guy. The bottom line for me was/is that I’m not settling. When I reached a certain age, I realized that I wanted more than just a booty call or just someone to “kick it” with. I waited, and finally met someone worth marrying. Bottom line is, most women aren’t in a rush anymore. It’s a different time and era. It’s okay to wait and there’s no stigma attached to it like in the old days. We know what we want and we aren’t settling for less!

    • B.Payne

      “Bottom line is, most women aren’t in a rush anymore. It’s a different time and era. It’s okay to wait and there’s no stigma attached to it like in the old days.”

      Exactly! There’s so much to do, to see and explore that you can’t waste your time worrying about what you CAN’T control. I love organic relationships whether it’s personal/business/intimate because it diminishes unnecessary energy that can drain you if you’re not careful and selective.

      ….besides we’re talking about being with someone you can close your eyes and sleep soundly with…can’t do that with EVERYONE, lol

  • I’m still single because I’m 110% percent focused on finishing school and getting my personal life in order. When the time is right, I’ll focus on meeting someone. I think there are plenty of young, successful black women who think like me.

  • mykelcarli

    BRING BACK CAN’T GET A DATE!!!! It’s one of the best shows on dating that was ever on television….