I don’t like people. Ok maybe not all people, but most. I am a spoiled, only child who hates sharing and would much rather spend time socializing alone than dealing with other people’s nonsense; but for some reason people like me and despite my dislike for most people, I have managed to form friendships. I have a tendency to not let people in, so when I make friends I cherish them because clearly they are special and have what it takes to put up with me and my madness. Most of my friends have been with me pretty much all my life, for example my best friend and I have known each other 20 years and after all this time I still haven’t managed to scare her off.
Lately my life has been pushing full steam ahead in a positive way. I’ve made new friends, joined new organizations, I’m seeing more of the world, started a new job and I’m just living a better and more productive life overall. My mind is focused on my future and how I can make the best out of life with the hand I was dealt, but some of my friends are not headed in the same direction. Some of my really good lifelong friends and even some of the newer ones are way off what I perceive as the logical adult path.
They still want to live at home because it’s free, baby daddy/momma drama, partying nonstop, sexing everything walking, shopping all the time for cute clothes, have no money in the bank and are behind on bills, but think all that is okay because they somehow managed to have money in a 401k they can’t touch until they’re 65. Really people? Really?!?! Of course none of this makes them bad people and it doesn’t take away from their valuable friendships, but I don’t live my life that way and that kind of foolishness is beyond ridiculous to me at this age. I have other friends that are more aligned with my present/future goals and dreams and these friends push me to be a better person and I truly love them for that, but they don’t hold my history or have my memories. They only know the present me, not all of me and since I can’t mesh them all into one amazing super friend, I’m left feeling like I’m stuck between different worlds.
I have crazy love for my hot mess friends, bad credit and all, some of them have known my “donkey years,” as my Trini friend Jennifer says, and I know they will always hold me down, but my newer friends are more in line with who I am and who I want to be. Granny always told me “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are,” but my hot mess friends are not me and with each passing day I feel myself being able to relate a little less. How do I grow and mature when the people closest to me are not, or at the very least aren’t growing and maturing at the same pace? How do I push forward without leaving them behind? I don’t want to be that person that “makes it” and forgets a part of who they are and for better or worse my friends are a part of who I am. I wasn’t always focused, wasn’t always living semi struggle free, so who am I to pull away from them simply because they aren’t where I am.
When we’re young we never think about this part of the future, the part where your world and journey has gotten so big that you have to shed some of your old life in order to move forward in the new one. I feel torn. I often try to find ways to mesh the two worlds together, but more often than not it ends up being uncomfortable and awkward. For now all I can do is spend time with my old friends and try to find new ways to relate to their lives as they are, but in the back of my mind I still wonder if it is truly possible to keep the same friends even though we’re all on different journeys.