After what felt like years of media speculation, Beyonce and Jay-Z finally welcomed their new baby Blue Ivy to the world, closing a six-month chapter in pop culture history that featured everything from rumors of a collapsing baby bump to claims that Beyonce’s surrogate had actually delivered the baby months ago. Now that we’re entering the “Blue Ivy Era” it’s important to reflect on the ridiculousness of the Jay and Bey baby saga — and there was certainly plenty of it.
1. The Conspiracy Theories. One of the most ridiculous things about Blue Ivy’s birth is the speculation that the true meaning of her name reflects the Illuminati status of her parents. It all started with the above tweet, which like most things posted online picked up even more steam than the extra-abusrd assumption that Blue Ivy was named after r&b singer Blu Cantrell. I haven’t fully made up my mind about the existence of ghosts, Bigfoot, or extra-terrestrials, but there is no part of my brain that will allow me to believe that there is an “Illuminati” that not only conducts a shadow government and has ties to Satan but also allows Jay-Z as a member. So she’s the very youngest Illuminati…for the rest of her life? Ok. And for the record, Elub Yvi means nothing in Latin or in any other language.
2. The Tributes. Come on, man. It’s hard to believe that someone put paint to canvas to depict Beyonce (or Ashanti? or Lil’ Kim? or Aaliyah?) and Jay (or a tight-faced Denzel? or J.J. from Good Times?) as a modern-day Mary and Joseph and their child as a Jesus figure. Isn’t there something about not worshipping false idols? Oh well.
3. The Predictions. Age progression artist D’Lynn Waldron has offered her services to the FBI to aid in missing person and cases, so it’s only natural that she would provide a prediction of what it would look like for music’s power couple to go half on a baby. I’m sure she’s good at what she does so I won’t weigh in on whether or not her prediction is any good, but why does this little girl have on huge earrings and Beyonce hair, as if Feria hair dye and lacefronts can be passed down genetically?
4. The “News Reports” from Abroad. It’s ok if you don’t speak Mandarin. This completely out of hand news report/re-enactment of the special delivery by Taiwanese outfit NMA.tv is impossible to misunderstand, even though the animated version of Bey and Jay look nothing like the real thing.
5. That Y’all Got Jokes (and Photoshop). Jay-Z’s “distinctive” features make for some really fun speculations about what his newborn baby will someday grow into. It’s hard to not laugh at the thought of an acrylic-nailed Jay-Z lookalike with a bob wig, and harder to not be weirded out by a baby version of any adult. As long as a few people with Photoshop and a good imagination recognize as much, I still have faith in the world.
With all of this over a baby that has barely lived yet, I’m sure that we can expect plenty more foolishness to come.