We’ve all been there. It’s 5am in the morning; your partner comes out of a dream horny, and slowly slides their hands to your shoulder to gently wake you from your deep slumber. As you’re pulled from your beautiful dream vacation in Tahiti, you realize that no, you’re not being woken up for an emergency, instead your partner is slowly beginning to kiss your neck in hopes of making you aroused. You glance over at the alarm clock. It’s hours before you have to be at work.

Really? Did you REALLY just pull me out of my sleeping glory just so you can get some?

At least, that’s what crosses your mind. You have a choice to make. You either decide to conjure up your hormones to enjoy this awakening or you choose to put sleep first.

I choose the latter. I almost always ignore the shoulder rub or tell my partner to chill out.

I’m not the best morning person. It typically takes me a minute to get my mind right when I wake up and if you say anything to me in the first 20 minutes after waking, I likely won’t remember. When it comes to sex, I’m all or nothing. Either I’m fully present and ready to make your toes curl or I’m asking you to get off me because I’m not in the mood. I love sex as much as the next person, but I truly believe in honoring my body’s needs and not forcing my vagina to do anything it doesn’t want to.

But there are those that beg to differ, those who grant their partner that early morning quickie while silently hoping that they’d finish as soon as possible. I get it. In particular, when dealing with a male partner, most wake up with hard-ons. But there’s no point in entering sex tired and irritated just because your partner would prefer to stroke instead of releasing on his own.

I’ve had this conversation with my girlfriends, and most are tired of getting that early morning shoulder rub.

“Without fail, it always happens. We have sex the evening before, go to sleep exhausted and peaceful. And then he wakes me up at 5am,” said one of my home girls. She wasn’t even talking about the same dude either. It seems to be a recurring pattern with most of her male partners.

So I asked her if she gave him some after he woke her up. She replied yeah with a bit of agitation in her voice. I told her that the opposite of that word would save her a lot of grief and sleep. What’s so hard about telling your partner no when you’re not in the mood?

I recognize that there are two (or more) people to please in a sexual relationship, but with the right communication and conversations, I’m sure that the parties involved can express what times are not best for sex. After all, it’s important that sexual partners be on the same page when it comes to pleasure. Sex is supposed to reduce stress and cater to our desires, not become aggravating.

Do you grant your partner pity sex? Or are you always in the mood? Speak on it!

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  • Leelee

    Why do we always have to take it to the extremes? Why does not wanting to have sex at 5 a.m. mean that men are not getting it on a regular basis? I don’t get where some of these conclusions are coming from. My man gets up at 4 a.m everyday. He has a job that takes up a lot of his time. A lot of times he’s working outside of work. As a result, sleep is not something he gets a lot of. If I were to wake him up at 3 a.m., knowing he went to bed at 11, after having already had sex, knowing he needed to be up in an hour, he’d be pissed. Really mad. If they’re honest a lot of the guys on here know they would be mad too. Why am I not given this same right to be mad? I get 4 hours a sleep on a good day. At the moment, I am still able to deal with the repercussions and hopefully once I reach my desired place that will change. So I am not with the whole waking me up during my sleep thing, unless it’s a day I am not working or something that does not occur on the regular. My job is important to my well being. I need it. So those who disagree, how do you suggest I function? And why does this mean that my man isn’t getting enough sex, which we have usually around 5 times a week?

    • sli

      “Why do we always have to take it to the extremes?”

      That’s what I said!

  • Cornbread

    Sex and intimacy have different definitions some of y’all need to decifer the two words a little more carefully….

  • Cookie

    It’s interesting to me that there are some women on this post saying that you should provide sex to your man when he wants it, because if you don’t, he will cheat on you. Their reason for giving their men sex when they’re not in the mood is because of fear.

    Then there are some other women on this post saying that they give their man sex (whether it’s vaginal intercourse or not, it’s some kind of sexual release) when they’re not in the mood because they love him and he deserves it because of all the things he does for her, and it’s just part of the overall give and take in their LTR. Their reason for giving their men sex when they’re not feeling amorous is because of love and reciprocity.

    I don’t agree with the first reason (fear),because it’s a bad thing to base a relationship on, and also, it doesn’t make any sense because if a guy is a cheater, he’s going to cheat on you whether you’re beautiful or rich or give him a lot of sex, because that’s what cheaters do. They cheat.

    I wholeheartedly agree with the second reason (love and reciprocity).

    What I find interesting is the women on here criticizing that don’t differentiate between the two points of view; to them, it’s the same thing, a woman debasing herself for some man. The scorn is the same.

    To me, it’s very, very different. One set of women are doing it because they are afraid. One set of women are doing it out of love and selflessness.

    But to the women dinging them, one is just as bad as the other.

    Is is just bad in general to do something for a man, even if he’s doing stuff for me, and even if we’re in love? I’m trying to understand where all of this anger and resentment is coming from.

    • au napptural

      I used to be of the second group, but performing sexual acts, any sexual acts no matter how unpenetrative, when you don’t want to only leads to resentment. Then you’re training your body to perform when it doesn’t want and become numb to sexual feelings. That probably sounds extreme to you but sex isn’t like to be taken lightly. As women we are already trained to have a negative attitude toward sex. To feel that we aren’t as sexual as men, won’t orgasm as often, can’t get as excited. The first step to unlearning all of that is to enjoy our sexuality. To make sex fun and that starts with enjoying what we are doing. You really, really shouldn’t do it when you don’t want to. Absolutely counter productive. Of course I’m only going to have sex when I want to!

      Side note- I love how these women are only here insisting we give it up at 3, 4, 5 am, sideways, upside down and everything else, and then saying they are divorced! Comic relief. It didn’t work, why do it?!

    • Cookie

      “Extreme” isn’t the adjective that came to mind when I was reading your comment, actually.

      Other adjectives came to mind, but in the interests of brevity, I’ll say that this second-level Women’s Studies dogma you’re reciting has zero effect on someone like me. I am a veteran of that sort of rhetoric and I have the relationship scars and medals to prove it.

      I don’t know about you, but almost every single woman I was in Woman’s Studies with back in the day was either a lesbian then or is a lesbian now.

      I am not a lesbian, but I am still a feminist. It just so happens that I am a feminist that loves men, and is very practical about the sexual dynamic between a man with normal amounts of testosterone and a woman with average amounts of estrogen and self-awareness of her worth.

      I will stick to my point of view on this subject and my activities around same. I bet you will, too. Regardless of whose point of view is correct in this instance, i’m glad that the women reading these comments were able to see both viewpoints.

  • Personally, I can never waste morning wood. I’m generally in the mood for some wake-up sex. I think the title of this article is a bit misleading because I wouldn’t call that pity sex. Rather, to have sex when you’re not in the mood, should be called “obligatory sex” because it comes from a sense of feeling obligated to do something you don’t necessarily want to do.