Love. Apparently you stink at it. Everyone says so. And by everyone, I mean statistics. Statistics say you blow at this. Goodness! Why can’t you just get it together, gurl? I’m sure you’ll say you just need more time, or you’re above all this, or you *gag* like being single, or that life is bigger than partnering up to pop some guy’s pimples for the rest of his life because he can’t be bothered to wash his face properly.

Well, BALDERDASH! That’s not getting Meemaw any great-grandbabies!

For those of you who are trying to get married this century and are not sitting around feeling all smug and self-satisfied with “Independent Women, Pt. 1” by Destiny’s Child still blaring in your head, maybe you’ve thought what you really need to land a man is your own personal dating spirit animal, aka a “Dating Guru.”

What’s a Dating Guru? Well, that is a self-proclaimed someone who says they know more about getting Meemaw some grandbabies than you. But in these days of Think Like A Man, Die Alone With Your Cats which guru is worth listening to and which ones are just trying to get that Steve Harvey money?

Lucky for you I didn’t have anything else better to do and decided to rate these yokels.

Steve Harvey

Claim-to-Fame: Long-time comedian, founding “King of Comedy,” purveyor of brightly colored suits, radio jock and teller of you to “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.”

Quote: “(A woman’s love) stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance. Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love— that perfection—from a man is unrealistic. That’s right, I said it—it’s not gonna happen, no way, no how. Because a man’s love isn’t like a woman’s love.”

Main Philosophy: Young men are crappy. You are unhappy because you won’t accept this. Your love is pure and delicate like a flower, but they want ass. Get it straight and try dating Steve…I mean…an older distinguished gentleman who knows how to treat a Miss Boss Lady right. Short of that, have you tried just accepting that all men who aren’t Steve Harvey are terrible? Because apparently, according to Steve, gurl they are.

Verdict: If you only date in stereotypes (Men Are From Jerktown, Women Are From Unrealistic Fairytale Expectations Planet), this is the book for you.

Tyrese Gibson

Claim-to-Fame: Singer, actor, Baby Boy, prolific nonsensical Tweeter, “author.”

Quote: “Some women are so on this independent kick, they end up alone. You’re going to independent your way into loneliness. You go off and buy all the little poodles you want. ‘At least my dog is happy to see me when I get home every day.’ That dog or ‘rabbit’ will never be able to replace what a real man can do for you.”

Main Philosophy: If you think you’re lonely now, wait until you die alone with all your cats, girl. Did I mention it’s your fault? It’s your fault.

Verdict: Tyrese is ideal if you just never read anything he writes and only watch the 1998 video for “Lately” on repeat. Remember “Lately”? Back when you didn’t know what Tyrese thought and he was just some hot guy pitching woo to Maia Campbell on a bus? Where’d that do go? I know too much now. We can’t go back to what we once had, Tyrese.

Hill Harper

Claim-to-fame: Actor, activist, author. Basically the three A’s. He does it all. Including give you love advice in “The Conversation”

Quote: “I’m very passionate about life and I want my soul mate to be equally passionate – and we don’t have to be passionate about the same things. She can be passionate about being a florist or a teacher or a mother. She should approach life from the stance that the glass is always half full. My soul mate should have her own sense of joy and a relationship with God.”

Main Philosophy: Optimism. Yeah. It stinks right now, but Hill Harper believes in you. Sure, he hasn’t really figured it out either, but he’s willing to talk about it, gurl. Let’s figure it out together!

Verdict: As a never-married, Harper admitted a while back to former CNN anchor T.J. Holmes he knows he’s part of the “problem” in a way, but that could only mean that for at least one woman he could be the “solution.” So … find out where Hill Harper lives and stalk him until he puts a ring on it.

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