In his bestselling book, and soon to be movie, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, Steve Harvey offers women advice on “how to be a girl,” something he believes is a lost art. Many of his suggestions, including cooking for your man and not lifting heavy items, are typical of the reductive thinking permeating incessant modern discussions about black male-female relationships. Women are to be dependent, submissive, chaste yet sexually available, and focused on “womanly things” like nurturing, child-rearing and cooking. Above all, a good woman must “let a man be a man”–that is independent, a natural leader in all things, emotionally distant, sexually voracious and prone to stray. We are told, the fate of the race and black women’s happiness depends on both men and women acting out these roles. But treating traditional gender roles as gospel is more damaging to the black community than helpful. There is no one way to be a man or a woman.

This isn’t a treatise against men and women who like to kick it old school. Do you. But it is dangerous to hold up regressive ideas of femininity and masculinity as the way it should be. Too many of our ideas of gender roles are based on the sexist hierarchy entrenched in the majority white culture, long before black men were recognized as fully men and black women as women. Narrow views of gender do a disservice to both black men and women, curtailing their freedom to be their authentic selves and exacerbating already serious problems in the black community.

Harvey and many other advice-givers traffic in the notion that black men are simple and largely the same. Those claims make me angry every time I hear them. I am angry because that idea sells short every wonderful black man I know–my husband, my brother, my nephews, my father, my grandfathers–all good men, who are as complex and varied as any other human being. None can be summed up in with cartoonish descriptions of manhood.

When it comes to relationships, men are also varied in what they want and need, as are women.

There are old-school brothers who believe in ruling the roost and there are more modern types who prefer egalitarian relationships. I married a man that wants to be my partner not my leader. I have another married friend that believes in “husband as head.” We both have happy marriages that work for us. Which is the point, really. Women who wish to marry aren’t in search of just any man, but one that fits their unique needs. Advice that encourages women to bend themselves to fit men, with men defined as some monolithic group, is as useless as it is sexist.

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  • I’ll be very honest, I’m a proponent of gender balance and equity, but in reality do enjoy the dynamics of the imbalance. I used to have the super-independent mentality in which I tired of competing for recognition as an equal to men. At the end of the day, all I long for in a relationship is respect and my voice to be heard. If that will find me cooking and cleaning for my man-so long as I am well taken care of, I could give a damn. Life is too short to expend our energies in trivial shit! Live and let live!

    Radical feminists-please don’t come at me with your brouhaha.

    • LemonNLime

      I don’t know why the feminist would come attacking. I always assumed one of the ideas behind feminisme was respecting a woman’s choice to do what she wants with her life. If that is what you desire, I don’t see why they would attack you.

    • Agreed, especially about the radical feminists. Can’t stand those types.

    • Kema

      ” I always assumed one of the ideas behind feminism was respecting a woman’s choice to do what she wants with her life.”

      My thoughts exactly! If thats what you CHOOSE to do then do you. Its a problem when we all HAVE TO do it. Choice is a beautiful thing. I can stay home cooking and cleaning for my man or I can work and help bring home the bacon.

    • Alyssa

      @Kema or both! :)

    • Kami

      As with the other replies, I’ll say, “Do you boo boo.” But your wording, and several of the other repliers wording, “radical feminists” is something that’s so interesting to me. Why is it that most women shy away from the term “feminist,” and why is that equated with something being “radical.” I just think it’s so strange because I don’t think it’s TOO radical for women to make their own choices about their bodies and well-being. So I guess my question is- what is radical feminism and why is that labeled as a bad thing necessarily? This isn’t a rhetorical question, I earnestly want to know what you all think.

    • Agreed @LemonNLime and @Kema! No feminist I know begrudges women the right to the life they choose. They DO however begrudge the idea that there is a gender-directed way things are supposed to be that preference men over women.

      And I worry at the increasing number of times I hear “independence” as it relates to women as a negative thing–Something women can have too much off. Here’s an excerpt of what I’ve written about that–in this case tied to the Tyrese/ controversy:

      There is nothing about the descriptor “independent” that is negative on its face, at least not based on Merriam-Webster’s definition above. My parents taught me to be independent. When I became old enough to drive, my father taught me how to check my tire pressure and oil and how to change a tire. I keep my AAA membership payed up, but I know if roadside service can’t get to me, I can take care of myself. To be independent is to be free. Because I can handle an auto emergency, I’ve felt free to crisscross the country on road journeys points southwest to northeast.

      What could be wrong with being free? Nothing, unless, of course, you believe that it is not advantageous for women to be “not subject to control by others” or “not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood).” Would Tyrese caution men this way? Would he warn them against not needing women.

      Sexism lies at the root of the actor’s monologue. In the regressive language of modern black relationship advice, it is not enough for a black woman to want a man deeply, with all her heart and soul. Male egos must always be fed with the idea that women are unfulfilled and incapable of living without a man. We must avoid being uneducated free-loaders, sayeth Tyrese, while being sure to remain needy and helpless enough to be attractive to men like him.

    • Ladies,

      I am not against feminists, HOWEVER-I HATE/ABHOR feminist ideologies that are radical in nature-SHOOT ME!

      Clearly from my comment, I am a feminist.

  • QoNewC

    “But it is dangerous to hold up regressive ideas of femininity and masculinity as the way it should be.”

    No its only dangerous to hold up socalled regressive ideas of feminity. Men on the other hand are shamed for not being “real men.”

  • TAE


  • Stanley

    It’s been a long time since I’ve read something good on this site!

    • LMO85

      Agreed. @ Clutch, more Tami please! We need daily dosages of ‘intelligence and eloquence’ shots.

  • Tonton Michel

    This book has has drawn a lot of fuss through no fault of the author, he gave an opinion and it’s you if you want to follow it. It’s not a good move to let men tell women how to be a women just like it is never a good idea to listen to women tell men how to be a man. Self interests usually tilt that advice.