We’ve all heard that simplistic definition of insanity.  That it’s “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”  And the lunacy is especially ridiculous when those repetitive results are damaging.  So while we may use that rule at work or in the home, why don’t we apply that philosophy to the men that we date?

I had a co-worker who, every six months, would bring in a new boyfriend for an introduction and then immediately begin to complain about him when he left.  It was pretty much all the same story.  He was broke.  He couldn’t hold down a job.  He devoured all the food in the fridge while she was slaving away at work.  This was basically the same assessment for about five different men.  Except they weren’t really that different.  They were all exactly the same, just wrapped up in five different sloppy tattooed packages. So by the time her sixth beau came around to give disinterested head nods and avoid eye contact, I knew exactly what her report would be once he schlepped out the door.

Yet she always seemed genuinely surprised when her latest relationship would end exactly like the last one did.  But why?  Why do we expect a different result from the men that we date when they’re nothing more than carbon copies of the ones who came before?

Insanity.  And until you do something, or date someone different, you’ll repeat the same sorry results over and over again.

So here are a few tips you can use to try to break the cycle:

Identify Your Type

Most women end up with the same kind of guy over and over again because they refuse to deviate from the shallow characteristics that qualify their “type.”  Tall, muscular, dark-skinned, we all know our physical stipulations, but what about the personality traits we’re attracted too?  Nonchalant?  Aggressive? Arrogant?  Figure out if these are qualities that catch your attention.  It may be a part of the problem.

Go For The Exact Opposite

Force yourself out of your comfort zone.  Have you figured out you like the boisterous type?  Go out with the quiet guy.  Normally go for dark-skinned men, give the light-skinned guy a chance.  No, you probably won’t be attracted right away, but you never know what could develop if you just give it a chance.  It’s not like you have to marry the man.

Ask HIM out

Are you an old fashion girl who refuses to make the first move?  Stop it.  The reason that you end up with the same kind of guy could be that you unknowingly and unwillingly attract the same kind of guy.  You’re somebody’s type in the same way that you have a type of your own.  So single out that exact opposite guy and strike up a conversation.  Besides, by always waiting for him to make a move, you’re giving strangers control over your destiny.  If you initiate, you have the power.


Ever been curious about dating a white guy?  Now’s the time.

Make It An Adventure

If you’re stuck in a dating rut, chances are there’s some monotony going on in other areas of your life too.  Do you always go to the same hangout spots?  The same clubs, bars, or restaurants? Try something new!  Make it a point to go to a different venue once a month or even once a week.  Take short trips to different areas or different parts of your city.  You can even use Groupon or LivingSocial to take part in activities that you would never come up with on your own.  Not only could it be fun and rejuvenating, but new experiences bring new people.  You never know who you might meet.

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  • Princess P

    Even though I still consider myself a spring chicken (mid 20s), I am noticing that it was much easier to meet and date multiple men (and to make friends, but thats another topic) when I was in college.

    Now that I’m a working adult its a little more difficult to meet men, especially if I’m busy or working long hours and don’t have a chance to get out.

    Now that I’m a working adul

  • jerseryvixen

    HORRIBLE advice to ask a men out, the man who’s going to court you , eventually marry you want to be at the initiating end on a lot of levels. smh.

    • Ravi

      would it be horrible advice if the guy doesn’t want to be at the initiating end? How about if the girl doesn’t want to marry the guy in question? Every guy isn’t the same. Some of us want to be the initiators but a lot of us don’t. It seems like good advice if the guy in question is shy or just doesn’t like to be the initiator.

  • JuneBug

    LOL I had an idea that “swirling” would be on the list when I saw the title. Of course, there is a focus on white…

    • Ravi

      lol. I noticed that too. Can’t Asian dudes get some love?

  • my_reply

    Yes. This lady has a thing for losers. They were probably good looking or good in the bedroom for her to put up with all of that. She might need to decide that looking like Idris Elba isn’t the most important thing. Finding someone who is compatible with you that you are also attracted to is what it’s about in my opinion. So many women trade compatibility for good looks.

    Switching up your type was definitely good advice. I also like the idea of women approaching not doing the asking out but approaching. Go up to a guy you are attracted to and make small talk. Let him ask you out. Like you said, then you can start talking to the types of guys you are interested in not just the men who happen to approach you.

  • my_reply

    Well, I am a spring chicken, and this is still good advice. There are plenty of spring chickens attracting and dating the wrong types of guys. Young women aren’t just dating amazing guys leaving the losers for the older ones.

    • my_reply

      @motrenaissance – This was supposed to be a reply to your spring chicken comment above.