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Let me guess: women talk too much. Right? And everyone knows they are responsible for all of the drama in the world. Right again? Plus, you just don’t get along with them, probably because they are so jealous of your beauty, your accomplishments, and your shoe collection. Puhleez!

You do realize that you, too, are a woman don’t you?

You should also realize that there are scores of other misguided women ascribing those traits to you as well. The truth of the matter is that individuals, men and women, have their own personalities. Some people are vain, some people are jealous, some people are nosy. What is so special and different about you that you can not only be distinguished from your entire sex but that you also have an uncanny ability to make enduring, platonic connections with men and only men?

To be fair, many of us women, myself included, have had horrible experiences with female “friends.” We’ve all been stabbed in the back at some point, and it may feel safer just to avoid trusting or interacting with women to spare ourselves the pain, hurt, and humiliation we’ve suffered. Consider this: most, if not all, of us have been deceived and hurt in our romantic relationships, but it typically does not result in exclusively dating members of the “non-preferred” sex (yes, I know that some people are bisexual). Instead, we bitch and moan about how men or women can’t be faithful and vow, jokingly, to switch sides just to avoid the headaches. But we don’t. We dust ourselves off and continue to date, hoping that one day the right one will come along.

Why can’t we apply this same cognitive dissonance to our friendships with women? Grown people tend not to like 98% of the people they meet. Why should we expect that it won’t be as difficult to connect with a female friend as it is with an intimate partner? Why are we not willing to put in the same amount of work? Ask a woman out for coffee. If you don’t dig her, don’t hang out with her again. Keep your eyes open. We will scour the grocery store, the gym, and, God forbid, even go to church to find a mate, but we won’t approach one another in social situations unless there are very specific parameters in place.

One of my best friends, of over 5 years, is a woman with whom I engaged in mutual internet chatroom wars for several weeks. It was clear that we were evenly matched and both, quite frankly, impressed with the other’s ability to keep up. We decided to meet for coffee and have been friends ever since. Were we besties right away? Absolutely not. It has taken us years to get to where we are, and we continue to work on our relationship because it is worth it.

Basically, many of us need to let go of the need to feel so distinct from other women. If you are not comfortable with women, perhaps you are not comfortable with yourself. If you regard women as unworthy, perhaps you have problems with your own self-worth. You are a woman, after all. Just consider that you are cheating yourself out of potentially life-enriching and lifelong relationships that you may not find anywhere else.

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  • I’m not on that, women hate me because I’m beautiful. Anyone can not like you for any reason and I’m fine with that. I don’t need my ego stoked by incessant admiration and I don’t need everybody to like me. Like or dislike me at your leisure it doesn’t make any bit of difference to me.

    What I dislike is the insincerity. Many women are very emotionally manipulative and needy as hell but they are selfish also. I can’t tell you how many countless times I am minding my own business and a women I’m casually acquainted with will come up to me and just dump all of their emotional bagagge for the day on me. It seems like women are always looking for someone to be their personal therapist du jour. I have no problem with this, but it’s almost NEVER reciprocated or it’s reciprocated poorly and THAT pisses me off.

    If I took time out of my life to listen and give a damn about your problems. I expect the same from you without personal judgement, dismissal, or disinterest. Otherwise GTFO my face. Please. I hate people that are emotionally selfish like that. Regardless of gender. And yes in my experience it’s always WOMEN that are like this. Maybe it’s because of the way that I carry myself, I am often alone but I usually look content, so women I know are always asking me for help or a listening ear. One girl I know is always asking me for something,my phone/my flat iron/my hair gel. And i thought about it and realized that the only time we talk is when she wants to borrow something. So the next time she asked me I refused, once, Now she’s cold to me.

    Many women’s friendliness is entirely based on what they can get out of you, and some women are constantly in your face with their hand out. I rarely, if ever, ask people for things. Even when I need them. I just suffer through the lean times. If I can do it so can they. I hate that helplessness BS. I learned very quickly that if I put the same amount of effort into my friendships that I was receiving, I quickly got labeled a bitch or flaky. Or asked “What’s the matter?” as if there is something wrong with me for treating them the way they treat me.

    Also many women seriously need to develop an inner intellectual life, beyond gossip. The reason I also have few women friends is I have few things in common with them. I’ve met a few women i could have intelligent conversations with, and few men for that matter. But for most women, and I live in a building full of them, it’s only gossip and superficial crap. I think that’s why so many conflicts get out hand unnecessarily. Some women seriously don’t have anything better to do. The few I can discuss literature, films. ideas, and music with are older than me.

    • Sammy

      It’s like you’ve just spoken my soul! I feel the exact same way … to the point that the only woman I bother with is my own mother.

      I get that all of the above applies to members of both genders, but it seems men are more likely to reciprocate financially, mentally and emotionally.

    • Toads

      Hmmm who has the problem? Half the population or you? I’m thinking it’s probably you.

    • Why

      Tabernacle-eth!

    • Toads

      Behold everyone! A misogynist! You realize that there are definitely male counterparts to all of those negative traits? So many of those sentences could easily swap out female for male.
      “Many men are very emotionally manipulative and needy as hell but they are selfish also.”
      -Refer to men who pretend to be your friend, but then are mad they’re in the “friend zone”. Y’know because your friendship is just a shitty consolation prize for not being able to fuck you.
      “Also many men seriously need to develop an inner intellectual life”
      Men do gossip, but perhaps not as much as a stereotyped trait. Still if you get the “typical” guy he’s not going to be having deep intellectual conversations any more likely than a “typical” female. I’ve tried to have deeper conversations and received bewilderment from both men and women.

      Get a clue and get over yourself, you’re not some grand rare exception to half the human population. And stop putting men on a pedestal up there with you, as if they don’t have deep flaws as well.

  • Zilly

    I love this article! I used to be an idiot and would say things like, “most of my friends are guys,” etc. Then, one day, I realized it wasn’t true. I just wanted to ingratiate myself with the men. At heart I’m a feminist, and all that crap was just a phase when I didn’t realize I could rely on my own appeal as an individual to attract someone.

    A couple years ago, I was dating this d-bag. He was telling me a story about his sister and how she’s a strong personality and usually has to take a leadership role whenever other women are around, because otherwise nothing constructive would happen. He had the nerve to say, “You know how when women get together to try and do something, and it usually ends up stupid?” He was trying to say that we’re disorganized, or whatever. I looked at him and said, “Excuse me. I’m a woman. Don’t forget who you’re talking to.” Apparently, he had expected me to bob my head and say, “Oh yes, women are so stupid,” to impress him with my uniqueness. He had a lot to learn. I actually felt pretty proud of myself after that moment.

  • vlien

    I do have female friends but have a lot more male friends. It’s not because I dislike women, feel better or anything like that. It’s just that with women there are a lot more social rules and I’m not that great with those, so I easily screw up. I think a lot of women who themselves are a bit more tomboy-ish don’t get those rules, and therefore get along so much easier with men and other women that are like that.

    • Toads

      The key is to find other tomboy-ish women that have similar interests.

  • Lola

    I love this article…I’ve been gathering research to put the myth that “Woman can’t get along”, to rest…I’m on the last leg of this study, and I’m so glad I ran across this article. Yesha C. you rock!!!

  • DynamicButtscratch37

    I’ve always been equally revolted by uber-femininity & machismo. I tend to surround myself with hedonistic nerds who define themselves by their hobbies & politics instead of their gender identities or sexual orientations. However, I simply cannot get along with people who do not play video games or read comic books, & in the end, there are simply more men who share my interests than women. So it’s no surprise that I can’t even count the number of male Youtubers I watch while there’s only 3 female Youtubers I’m subscribed to.