Breaking Up? Divorcing? Taking a Road Trip to Splittsville?: Celebrate the Gift of Singleness When You Know It’s Soooo Over!

Ah, the breakup. Since time immemorial, it has elicited a whole gamut of complex emotional responses from the female species. Some breakups make her want to crawl under the covers with a couple-few pints of butter pecan (the more nuts to crack, the better.) Others make her want to rip into the window of his precious 2006 Escalade with sporting equipment (typically, a baseball bat or a nine iron.) And then, there are the kind of breakups that make you, oops I mean her, just want to….

Throw your hands in the ay-er

And waive them like you just don’t kay-er
A “friend of mine” (no, really) recently went through a breakup of the “throw your hands in the ay-er” variety. When J. first confided to me that she was divorcing her husband of two and a half years, her demeanor was strangely euphoric. I have to admit that upon hearing the news, I was feeling rather celebratory my own damn self, on account of her ex was and is the biggest example of douche baggery that ever walked the planet. TRUST me on this one. I’m all for a woman standing by her vows and what not, but you could roll Ike Turner, Eric Benet and K-Fed into one big ball of husband poo and he would still have been an improvement over this nut! On her wedding day, I sobbed uncontrollably, and I promise those weren’t tears of joy. Why she even married that fool in the first place, beats me. You’ve got to understand, my friend is nuttier than a squirrel’s turd. I guess I always thought of her marriage as sort of a phase; an extended moment of temporary insanity that took her over two years to snap out of.

Once legal proceedings were underway to undo the fiasco that was her marriage, J. got it in her head to throw herself a nice little dee-vorce par-tay. She said she wanted to “mark this important milestone in her life” (see what I’m saying about the squirrel?). I was tapped to be J’s un-wedding planner, and I soon discovered that in this capacity, I was also expected to serve as personal stylist, deejay, caterer and occasional psychotherapist. Along the way, I learned quite a few tricks of the de-nuptial party trade which I’d like to share with you. Everyone knows their weddiquette, but divorce party rules have been unwritten….Until now, Ladies!

The Look of Loathe : Breakup Fashions
What should the style conscious divorcee/ breakup-ee wear to her main event? Executing my duties as personal stylist, I asked J. what she’d like to rock to her de-nup party, thinking her crazy ass would probably want to have her wedding gown dyed and altered into a Beyonce-esque freak’um dress. Surprisingly, her taste was quite reserved this time. She said she simply wanted to wear something black and sexy. “Should we all wear black?” I inquired. “Of course not!” J. responded, befuddled by my ignorance. “That would be bad form. Black is just for the divorcee, silly.”

Am I suggesting that all divorcees wear black to their un-wedding soirees? Not at all. I’m simply saying that in terms of appropriate attire for the chic divorcee/ breakup-ee, anything goes. Tiaras. Glitter. Goddess costumes. Miniskirts and afro puffs. Hell, let her dress up like a Harajuki girl if she wants. Whatever, as long as she feels fierce. It’s her party, and she should be as fly as she wants to…fly as she wants to…fly as she wants to.

Breakup Flava in Your Ear: Music
Believe me, once you start hunting through your music collection for tunes that are breakup appropriate, you’ll come up with a list as endless as Paris Hilton’s fifteen minutes. So here is just a partial compilation; my top ten favorite break-up ditties of all time to get your parted started:

1.Shake It Off by Mariah Carey…Classic. I mean, you just can’t go wrong with lyrics like…..”You wasn’t worth my time/ So I’m leaving you behind/Cause I need a real love in my life/ Save this recording because/ I’m never coming back home/Baby I’m gone.”

2.Caught Out There by Kelis… The rage. The wrath. The beautifully unrestrained ferocity of a borderline homicidal sister screaming “I hate you so much right now” at the top of her lungs. This song is so cathartic. “Caught out There” isn’t so much a song as it is a relationship exorcism.

3. I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross: Self-explanatory in it’s sheer fabulosity.

4. He Wasn’t Man Enough by Toni Braxton: Tell it girl.

5. Hit Em Up Style by Blu Cantrell: Great tips for taking his sorry tail to the cleaners.

6. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. Ok, so it’s a little outside of my usual hip-hop leanings, but this 1995 jam was hot to death!

7. Call Tyrone by Erykah Badu: What can I say? Erykah picked up the baton from Billie Holiday and ran on through to the finish line with it. “Call Tyrone” is a modern day my-man-done-done-me–wrong anthem for the fed-up Black Boho chick.

8. Ring the Alarm! by Beyonce: Or practically anything in Beyonce’s repertoire, for that matter (solo or with Destiny’s Child.) “Bugaboo” “Bills, Bills,Bills” “Green Light” “Irreplaceable” My girl really knows how to kick a man to the curb while singing off her mezzo-soprano ass!

9. I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor: Come on. How could I not include Gloria?

10. Ok, this last suggestion is for the really, really twisted. That means it’s gonna be good, y’all. Courtesy of my friend J.’s wonderfully sick imagination: Take “your song” (or the first dance song from the wedding in J.’s case ) and have it remixed into a club banger. I know it sounds so completely wrong, but I’m telling you you haven’t lived until you’ve heard the crunk version of “Just the Two of Us.”

Bite Me! Catering Tips
What should you serve to the hungry celebrants at the breakup soiree? Well, you can’t go wrong with an anatomically correct cake, now can you? Each slice gives the guest of honor the sweet thrill of performing a confectionery castration. One lady whose blog I ran across had me trippin’ over her eats. She said that at her divorce party, she served a traditional wedding cake with one of those bride and groom cake toppers, but she flipped it. In her un-wedding version, the bride is pushing the groom off of the edge of the cake. Priceless! Personally, I quite like the idea of just a straight up dessert party accompanied by an array of sweet wines. Very sugar and spice girly, n’est ce pas? Makes my teeth hurt just thinking about it. J. went with a simple assortment of hors d’oeuvres from the market for her function. You know, your standard mini quiches and the like. We could just pop them in the oven for a few minutes and serve. That way we got to focus all our culinary energies on making up fabulous blended concoctions in the Cuisinart.

Me, Myself & I (and Fatima, and Angie an’ Em) : The Guest List
Due to the intense manger and male bashing that is likely to occur at breakup events, I strongly urge you to consider keeping party guests to just your girls (and by “girls” I, of course, include any fabulous gay boys that are part of the inner circle as well.) As long as he or she hollas back when the deejay shouts “hey ladies,” they should be cool. Other than that, I say the only men at the function should be there to perform.

Give it, Give it, Give it to Mama: Gifts
The divorcee/breakup-ee doesn’t necessarily expect presents. As J. put it, “Hey, getting rid of that loser was gift enough.” But if, like me, you hate to show up at a party empty-handed, you may be asking yourself “Just what does one get for the happy divorcee, anyway?” Liquor is always appreciated. As is fine chocolate. What else? Hmm. Books are great; Fabulosity by Kimora Lee Simmons or a nice biography of Elizabeth Taylor would be quite fitting indeed. DVDs with breakup themes practically runneth over at the local Blockbuster. There’s Kramer vs. Kramer, War of the Roses, Waiting to Exhale, Mr. & Mrs. Smith and, of course, The Break-Up.

Okay. That’s a wrap on the WRAP PARTY rules. Good luck ladies, and remember….. All you ever really need is a blender, some Bacardi Breezers and a piñata in the likeness of the ex and you got yourself one heck of a breakup jammy jam. Salud!

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