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Picture it.

You and your fiancé decide to spend a long weekend visiting your parents. Their house is big so instead of staying at a hotel they insist that the two of you stay in their home.  You arrive and spend the day laughing, eating and having an overall good time. As the night winds down and the bottles of wine dwindle you realize that the time has come for everyone to go to bed.  As you say your “good nights” and head up the stairs with your love, your mom says “James your room is to the left. Nikki, I fixed up your old bedroom for you. Good night!”

Say what now?!

You’re not crazy enough to back talk your momma even as a grown woman.  So you give the eye to your honey and go to your separate quarters.  After maybe an hour you are feeling a bit frisky, after all this is play time when you’re at home, so you text your other half and tell them to come to your room.  They creep in and in no time you feel like teenagers again, the excitement is everything and just when you’re about to reenact the birds and the bees … momma walks in to say goodnight, catches you in the act and damn near loses her mind!  She closes the door and leaves you there naked and mortified.

My dear readers that is no made up tale, that’s the story of my newly engaged friend after she went to visit her family recently.  According to her the awkwardness at the breakfast table was beyond tense with her father alluding to the murder he could commit using various utensils on the table and her mother clutching the bible as if only Jesus himself could save her daughter’s whoring soul.  Sigh, parents.  As I get older I find that this is an issue that more and more of my friends have to deal with.  While you want and should respect your parent’s home, you are an adult.

This isn’t your flavor of the month you’re bringing home, this is your future husband, their future son-in-law and as awkward as it may be for everyone, you deserve the right to be treated as a unit.  Often times it can be hard for parents to deal with and as grown as we may feel, it’s hard for us to think it’s okay to sleep in the same bed with someone we’re with when our parents spent a chunk of our lives threatening to send us to personally meet Jesus if we did.  Situations like this take the parent/child relationship to a new level and it can be a bit tricky.

So what are the rules?  How do you tell your parents that you want to sleep in the same bed as your fiancé  or spouse and how do help them feel comfortable with the fact that their baby isn’t a baby anymore?

Have you ever dealt with this situation?  What rules did you and you parents agree to?

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  • ItsMyTurn

    My house. My rules. The mother made her expectations known when she offered separate rooms. Either control your hormones until you get home or go get a room!

  • au napptural

    Wooooow, I would never have any sort of hanky-panky with my husband under my parents’ roof! Let alone some fiance. I mean dang. Not that my opinion would matter. My parents let me know coming up there were going to be no room partners of the opposite sex without a wedding.

    Heck, they wouldn’t even let me or my twin brother have sleepovers, unless the other twin was going to be out. Their reasoning? That supposed “girl” friend or “guy” friend could easily be coming to see their paramour. My parents didn’t PLAY. More people should be that strict. I couldn’t have gotten pregnant underage if I’d wanted to.

    • SL

      @au napptural

      You know it! I too am grateful. My parents were the exact same way and my husband and I are that way with our daughter. I didnt dare try and have sex as a teen, let alone get pregnant. My dad wouldve literally wrung my neck off my body. Neither me or my sister had sex as teens – not even when we went away to college where they really had not control or way of knowing what we were doing. Those values protected us and I am do glad they taught us and put the fear of God – or at least the fear of my dad – in us. When you have kids who do whatever it is because the parent doesnt know how to parent. Plus kudos to dads who are strong – dads can make a huge difference.

    • Robbie

      @SL, My parents lived their lives as they wished but I was able to see as a young woman that I did not want that for myself. I had no sex in my teen’ s day and even today as a grown woman, I cannot imagine sleeping with someone that is not my husband. Fear or God indeed is what motivates me today to do so and not my parent’s upbringing. I see where that took many of my relatives which are single women raising kids on their own without any of the babies’dadies support. Sad. We get the point.

    • SL

      @Robbie – Hey Robbie – I will admit it was the fera of my dad initially and then it was the fear (as in reverence) of God.

      Despite the push of this world to give it away – kudos to you for holding on to it until you meet the conditions that you have determined are right for you.

      I have a GF who is still holding on to hers and waiting. Sometimes that seems strange to me, but I always encourage her to live her conviction. I didn’t come to the realization until my mid-20s that God’s way is the best way. That is my belief. That is what I will teach my daughter. I want her to avoid the fate of two of her cousins, both single never married with 3 babies a piece each by different daddy. No way anyone will ever convince me that that is what God had in mind.

      Fear of my dad held me steady until I understood the love of God. Otherwise, I’d be just like the rest.

      Now, I’m sure I’ll get evicted/banned from this site for my Judeo-Christian stance – because Freedom of Speech should not apply to Christians.

      Oh well, so be it. :-).

      Be cool, Robbie :-) and be good :-)

    • SL

      @Robbie – I think I may have mis-interpreted your post. I apologize if I did. I do agree with your comment.

    • @SL Thank you for your testimony, and especially for saying “Fear of my dad held me steady until I understood the love of God. otherwise, I’d be just like the rest.”

      I thank you and Jesus from the bottom of my heart.

    • SL

      @marloweovershakespeare

      *wink* *nod* and a fish
      Big smile :-)

  • au napptural

    I appreciate it as an adult, but at the same time I wouldn’t raise my children, esp. my daughters the same way, no shade. My parents were 100% within their rights to not allow people into the house they didn’t want there or who they were suspicious of. I would do the same.

    But that whole super-strict parent thing often leads to a fear of intimacy, i.e. you said you were scared to do anything in college, me too. It’s not healthy to make fear the motivator. I’m just going to be straight with my future children, tell them the risks of sex, let them know they can’t have any under my roof, let them know how to protect themselves, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and then say Godspeed. Not to do so isn’t preventing them form doing anything once they are grown, it just means they are handicapped and unable to make good choices. And who wants that for their child?

    • SL

      @au napptural

      I feel what you are saying.

      Here’s what I think:

      1. Sex does not equal intimacy. Sex is an act. Intimacy is developed and that takes time and risk – that is why marriage is encouraged – it offers the safety needed to risk being exposed and vulnerable cause none of us is as good as our delusional minds tell us we are.

      Sex often masquerades as love. When you are young you really don’t know how to tell the difference. In college, you are nothing more than an oversized kid with raging hormones – your capacity to make wise decisions is still under-developed. So you have a bunch of big kids running around having sex.

      2. Just because I didn’t have sex in my teens and in college didn’t hamper me from finding sexual pleasure or intimacy in my life!!! Hell no!!! As a matter of fact, I enjoy sex more being married than I ever did being single.

      3. What worked for me growing up will not work for my daughter – I too will seek a different path of educating her and preparing her for what’s out there. I have been straight with her about sex, sexual urges, unwanted pregnancy, STDs. I encourage her to masturbate if needed – I certainly did – BUT I WILL NOT BUY HER TOYS

      4. Some times parents don’t have any expectation of their child therefore, the child has no expectation of themselves. She will know my standard and God’s standard (yes, I know we try to make him irrelevant in matters such as this) and my expectation of her

      5. I hope to remain a vigilant parent and not get so caught up in my own life that I have no clue as to what is going on with my child – she comes first

      6. I will let her have friends over, but not unsupervised and not behind closed bedroom doors. In my house you will have no privacy.

      7. I hope to continue to take her abroad to her father’s country so the image of poverty forever remains etched in her mind – we are extremely fortunate in this country

      8.She’ll have an upfront seat on her cousins’ poor choices (see post to @Robbie) and the effects of those poor choices on their lives and she’ll have me in her ear at every turn helping her to understand that every decision has a consequence – for better or for worse

      9. I will not supply her with birth control – especially not as a teenager living under my roof

      10. She will be made to own and accept responsibility for her decisions – so hopefully she’ll make wise ones and when she makes bad ones hopefully they won’t be the kind that will derail her life in a permanent way.

    • Kema

      9. I will not supply her with birth control – especially not as a teenager living under my roof

      Explanation of the high teen pregnancy rates right here!

    • SL

      @Kema – I’m sorry that was your only take away from my comments. I’m slso sorry that you feel all teens will have sex no matter what you teach. I think for anyone like you then yes BC is the only option – and that’s sad.

    • Kema

      I don’t feel ALL teens will have sex regardless of what you teach. I think the black teens have sex in the same percentages as other races but black parents failing to acknowledge the possibility leads to black teens have higher pregnancy rates.

      Maybe (hopefully) your child will not be a part of that statistic. But with most black mothers following that line of thinking its easy to see what the outcome will be. Again I’m talking collectively.

      That was not my only takeaway from your comment. I see a loving mother that cares about her daughter’s future. I just think black mothers as a whole should prepare daughters totally. This means what to do if they decide to have sex.

    • SL

      @Kema

      Thanks for elaborating on your point of view.

      Here are my thoughts: every mom has to be very observant and diligent with her daughter – It is my personal opinion that girls just don’t fall into having sex as teens – that too is a subculture unto itself and we have to be aware of the warning signs from our girls, such as – who are her friends, what is she spending a lot of time reading or looking at on tv, her attitude towards you (yes, most girls become little mouthy things when they reach a certain age) and what you are trying to teach her – is it just growing into being a normal independent person or is there a sub-context of disrespect, is she belligerent and intentionally thwarting/opposing your rules around boys and what not –

      I realize that we can not always be with our kids 24×7, but I am trying my best to put in place the supports that make sure there is adult presence and guidance in my home….I know that many parents are away from their nuclear family, but I am blessed to have my mother live with me and my sister is a steady presence everyday when I am at work or on business travel….

      Right now, she is a preteen, so it remains to be seen how things will go for us.

      But the things that prevented me from choosing the option to have sex were:

      1. having a stay at home mom – I am not a stay at home mom so supports will be necessary for me to replicate a similar environment

      2. My dad did not allow me to date in HS….I chose not to date in college so I could accomplish my goals. Her dad and I hope to discourage HS dating – yeah I know the backlash on this will be fierce – but hopefully, by then she’ll be accepting and settling in to the fact that she doesn’t have to be like everyone else

      3. Goal setting early – by the time I was in HS I had a vision for my future – I wanted to be able to support myself and not end up in the ghetto – my parents made it very plain that I would be expected to take care of myself – they were not going to do that…so, it was tough enough figuring out what I would do to maintain a roof over my own head and put food on my table without having to figure out how to do that for a kid too – that was a whole lot of Birth Control for me – I will have similar expectations of my daughter. We will support her through HS – but after that she will have to have a plan…so she would be wise to make the best use of her time in HS getting the best grades and getting into college (read scholarship) in order to prepare her for her future.

      4. No little boyfriends as a preteen – we’ve already set this into motion. She has had little boys comes at her already. She’s had teachers ask her if she has a boyfriend and they were astonished at her answer – which by the way is what we’ve taught her. Boys as friends are ok, but she has to focus on her studies and getting through school – boyfriends are not appropriate at this point in her life.

      Teaching and watchfulness is the BEST birth control in my opinion. Children left to raise themselves are very much at risk. I’ve decided not to delegate the raising of my child to anyone else.

      If she decides to have sex as a teen against all our teachings with all that she has been taught – then she will deal with the consequence of her decision – we will not make it easy for her to be sexually active before she is ready to be an adult and make adult decisions.

      Now, I understand that may seem harsh, but the more safety nets you install the less kids will think about the danger before they leap – because they know the net will catch them.

      There will be no net….so think long and hard before you take that leap.

  • Respect moms home and stop being childish

  • Humanista

    I don’t …. I have never even considered sharing a room with a man in a relative’s house O_O, although my parents are aware we share rooms/hotels when we visit each other or travel. Part of that is because I am the oldest; I just don’t feel it to be appropriate to do that with pre-teens running around, although I am well into my 20s. I have never had cause to bring a boyfriend to my mom’s house, but when I do, he will certainly stay in a hotel, simply because my mom doesn’t like people in her house at all (including her siblings lol). My dad, on the other hand, if he likes the guy he can sleep in the basement; if not, he stays in a hotel! Lol.

    I haven’t shared a room with a boyfriend at his home, either. I’ve slept a bed in a separate room, even shared a bed with his aunt, (ha!), but never my boyfriend.

    Of course, it wouldn’t be an issue if I was married. Separating married adults or being squeamish at that point just seems nuts to me..