I saw it all the time growing up, my grandmother squirreling away five dollars here, fifty dollars there, so that my grandfather wouldn’t find it. I even caught her slipping bills out of grandpa’s jeans pocket before church a few times and when I called her out on breaking one of the Commandments, I was met with an icy stare and a warning to mind my business.
As I got older, and bolder, I started to ask about all the secrecy going on. I mean, they were a couple, couples are supposed to share everything including money, right? Granny would shake her head and tell me that I had so much to learn about life, love and marriage.
You see according to Grams, a woman always needed to keep a “f*&k you” stash just in case her man, as granny would say “want to make his eyes pass me.” Oh island logic, gotta love it. Hiding the money just ensured that if need be she could take care of things, or herself, without needing my grandpa or any other man around. The secret stash wasn’t lying, it was more of a security blanket.
Now I’m no dumb broad so I completely understand that no matter how much you love someone, sometimes ish just goes left and that worse than things going left, is things going left with you having no plan on how to get it right again. So having your own savings independent of the relationship isn’t that bad of an idea. My issue with it is the secrecy behind it.
Relationships are about trust, point blank period. The leap of faith it takes to even begin a new relationship takes an enormous amount of trust. Now, having your own savings account is fine, but having one that is secret from your partner is not.
To me, that undermines the trust. It says that you don’t trust this person enough to provide for you, to be responsible with financial decisions, to not break your heart and leave you needing money to make a clean getaway. Having to hide money from your partner doesn’t mean you’re being smart, it simply means you don’t trust them. And if you don’t trust them, why the hell are you with them?
No one is saying to live and love blindly when you’re in a relationship, if you want to have your own savings, have it, and tell your partner about it. You don’t have to disclose how much you’re saving exactly, but you should disclose the fact that it does exist. In my opinion, if you’re going to take the leap of faith, take it whole heartedly and honestly, lying no matter the form, has no place in a relationship.