Yesterday Facebook launched it’s new video capabilities on Instagram.
“On Instagram, the videos can be between three and 15 seconds long and include any number of individual video clips. But the coolest feature may come after you shoot the video: 13 brand-new filters, created by an artist specifically for Instagram video. They do the usual tweaks to make video pop, like adding vignettes, upping the contrast and playing with color. There is also an image-stabilization feature to even out shaky videos shot on the go.”
Now instead of getting selfies of people, we’ll now get video of selfies. Just what the world needs.
Instagram can be the best of times and the worst of times when it comes to social media. I love the fact that my friend, Afrobella, posts new products that she’s trying out. I also love a few of the stylists I follow and have gotten a few deals on everything from artwork and even clothes.
But the worst of times, yes, there are plenty. From people posting screenshots of the “likes” they’ve received (I totally don’t get that). To people posting photos of quotes. If I wanted to read fucking quotes, I’d go to Facebook and read my mother’s status updates. I want photos. Not words.
Well now, there’s video. Le sigh.
In honor of Instagram and its video capabilities, I’ve compiled a short list of what I don’t want to see video of.
- Struggle plates. We’ve all seen them. A burnt chicken leg, some box mac and cheese and soggy greens. What I don’t want to see is you cooking this shit. It’s bad enough I had to look at the mess on a styrofoam plate. I don’t want to see you opening the can of Glory Greens and frying your chicken in week old chicken grease.
- Babies. God, I’ve seen some aesthetically challenged baby faces and that’s when they were smiling. For god’s sake, please no crying baby videos. No videos of you changing Little Roscoe’s diaper. Just how about no baby bodily function videos at all.
- Dancing. I’ve seen several photos of people in the club, popping bottles and squatting down, in what I can only assume was mid-twerk. No twerking videos please! Especially from the kids/teens on Instagram. But I will call myself a hypocrite on this one. Last night at some random hotel rooftop in D.C., a reggae band was playing. I instagrammed a white guy twerking up next to this Jamaican chick. Hilarious.
- Singing. God. No. Please don’t turn Instagram into an audition for American Idol. 15 seconds of screeching and screaming? Save that for the shower.
- Disciplining. Parents have taken to Facebook when it comes to disciplining their kids. There have been news accounts of parents being arrested when they discovered just how trifling their children are. No beating videos please. The last thing I want to scroll through and see is LaQuinta getting her ass beat for some twerking video her mother just found.
Those are just a couple of examples of how video and Instragram can go wrong. I’m pretty sure people will get tired of me posting my dog walking videos, but that’s about as far as I’m going to go with the video feature.
What are somethings you don’t want to see on Instagram video?