It’s our first date and I literally don’t care about your college major, or how long you’ve been in the city. I don’t care if you only drink aged whiskey or how lame you thought new Superman movie was. Please stop talking about your favorite hockey team and how it’s such a small world because we both know so-and-so. Please, please, please stop rambling about any information I’ve already stalked on your Facebook and LinkedIn pages. Can’t we just skip all the bullshit small talk and have a real conversation. There’s some stuff I’m dying to know about you, but I’m not Nell. I wasn’t raised in an isolated cabin, so I know better. But here’s what questions you could answer that would make this happy hour a lot more valuable (for me, at least):
1. Are you actually looking for something serious, or will you jerk me around for a while?
2. Do you have mommy or daddy issues?
3. How important is hygiene to you?
4. Do you have a secret child?
5. How much money do you make?
6. Do you have any STIs that I could contract?
7. What age did your Dad go bald?
8. Can I take a picture of you to send to my friends?
9. Do you have any weird, sexual fetishes I should be aware of?
10. Can you lift up your shirt for a sec?
11. What are your biggest insecurities, and how many weeks until they come out and strain our relationship?
12. Would our children have any chance of developing a sixth toe?
13. Are you actually funny?
14. Are you one of those people that always has a stuffy nose?
15. You’ll eat junk food with me, right?
16. Can I see a picture of your ex-girlfriend?
17. Do you have a job waiting for you in North Dakota?
18. Do I really need to pretend to reach for my wallet at the end of this?