White people have suffered for too long. By my count, at least the last ten years. That can feel like a hell of a long time when you’ve not had to deal with anybody criticizing or trying to share your power with you for most of your life.
When I wrote an essay about white guys with Yellow Fever, I got backlash from white people who protested, “How come there is a Black History Month, but no White History Month? That’s not fair!”
Hear me out, fellow People of Color! Just like LGBTIQ and people of color, white people also need a month to celebrate the humanity they’ve fought to preserve in the wake of systematic hate and oppression (why “Months for the Marginalized” were set up in the first place).
Here are 9 White People Oppressions that demand a White History Month, so they can experience life as fairly as the rest of us have:
1. Existing “White Holidays” Have Been Co-Opted
There are holidays in the calendar that celebrate the accomplishments of white men in this country like Columbus Day, Presidents Day, and Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, we forget the original purpose of these holidays because big chain stores (most of them owned by white men) have shifted our focus from celebrating to shopping. White History Month would allow us to allow us to celebrate the accomplishments of white people without interfering with Black Friday!
2. White Actors Never Get To Play “Ethnic Characters” (Without Grief)
White people must be bored with seeing themselves in the token white lead or part of a token white family with a full story arc in the mainstream media! I know I am!
When will white actors get to experience the fun of being a badly accented one-dimensional ethnic stereotype? When can white people play blackface or yellowface characters without getting so much shit? When will white actors and directors know the joy of “making the whole white race look bad” with every public fail they make? Let’s give them this chance to experience this!
3. “Hipster” Is The White Man’s N-word
Yes, there used to be put-downs like “cracker,” “honkey,” and “white devil.” Today, the casual terms slung around to hurt white people are brutal — “white person,” “white guy,” and “white woman.” OUCH! Take it easy with the epithets!
Here is a video I wrote about how “hipster” is now the white man’s N-word. Feel the pain of a PBR hangover.
4. White People Have Done So Much Twerk For People Of Color And Yet, No Appreciation
Can’t Miley Cyrus co-opt black culture and use black bodies as props without criticism!? Why not celebrate the ability of white people to bring a less threatening face to cultural practices originated by people of color? Let’s honor the white people who proliferate our traditions completely out of context, reap all the glory, and without social responsibility!
Besides, can you blame them? They need a White History Month to bring their own traditions back.
5. Being Accused of Racism Sucks As Much As Being The Target Of It
So many white people are hurt when they learn in school (if it is actually taught to them) that only white people can be racist because we live in the aftermath of a white supremacy that they continue to benefit from today. While people of color can harbor biases against other races, ultimately, the real culprit of racial inequity is white supremacy.
Yikes! This is too much of a burden! White guilt sucks! Ask any white person, and they’ll tell you they’d much rather wake up tomorrow in the body of a black man than deal with the shameful guilt of perpetuating racism! Am I right white people? Hello?
6. Unlearning Racism Can Make A White Person’s Head Hurt
All this talk about the lifelong effort to dismantle racism by becoming a white ally or understanding white privilege is HARD! It was so much easier when white people could just be oblivious to the mistakes their forefathers made. Can’t white people end racism WITHOUT having to actually deal with it?
White History Month Fun Fact! Vanilla is America’s favorite ice cream flavor!
7. White People Have Never Experienced What It’s Like To Get Stuff For Being A “Sad Minority”
I used to get upset when white people would dismiss the quality of my art and tell me that nothing came to me through my hard work. All my success came to me because I was “a minority woman.” They are right! Because I am such a sad and pitiable person, the world just hands me things in a non-existent “Giveaway for Minorities!” I get hotel upgrades and free shampoo just for being Chinese!
Let’s give white people a chance to feel what it’s like to have people think you only got ahead in life because you are pitiable. Let’s give them a chance to have to constantly prove that they aren’t just where they are because they are white. Let’s decide who the saddest sorriest white people are and give them free shit during White History Month! It’s only fair!
White History Month Fun Fact: According to Eddie Murphy, white people give each other stuff all the time!
8. Ginger Abuse
Have you heard of lynchings? Or the Chinese Exclusion Act? Well, guess what? Ever since that episode of “South Park” where Cartman railed against Gingers, it’s been open season on redheads! While there are no reports of Ginger genocide, Gingers being run out of integrated schools, or Gingers systematically receiving the worst in health care — teasing redheads is really mean and is just as bad as hate crimes on gay people. Seriously, it must stop. Besides, they are dying out anyway.
Great! Now that I’ve brought attention to the pressing matter of racial equality, let’s celebrate with the official band of White History Month! Lynyrd Skynyrd!