Guys,it’s time for some real talk. Sometimes when we’re getting down, you do things that you seem to think are totally getting us off, but in reality? Some things you think we love are leaving us lukewarm at best. Sorry to break it to you, but motorboating, while it may drive you wild, only leaves us with a pool of spittle in our cleavage. Why do all guys think we’re into that?! Oh, because we haven’t told you how lame it is. Well, we’re telling you now. We’ve compiled a master list of men’s favorite “lady-pleasing” sex moves that most women wouldn’t mind if you retired forever. Read on for your long overdue sexual reality check…
1. Motorboating. While spelunking around in our cleavage might drive you wild, to us, it’s amusing at best. We imagine it’s the equivalent of getting a raspberry on the ball sack. Oh, that doesn’t sound sexy to you?
2. The super speed finger bang. Your finger is not a vibrator, and that’s OK. Just accept it.
3. Excessive tongue flicking during oral. If we wanted a hungry lizard to eat our pussy, we would have posted an extremely disturbing ad on Craigslist.
4. Full-body lick down. Foreplay that involves excessive amounts of saliva makes us wet in the wrong way.
5. The ass slap. Unless we requested a proper spanking, a random smack on the butt is just…random.
6. Rough boob play. Squeezing boobs into pancake shapes or pinching nipples to holy hell is painful and unnecessary. Just like with motorboating — imagine us playing rough with your testicles, because yeah, it feels like that.
7. Any tongue on foot action. Disgusting, not seductive.
8. A bad massage. Yes, we like massages, but unless you’re great at it, we’d rather just pay for a real one and have you get right to the happy ending.
9. Getting us all wet and soapy in the shower. Give a man a naked, female body and a bar of soap and watch him go hogwild! Meanwhile, we’re like, You are rubbing soap on me and you’d better not get it in my vagina because that shit burns.
10. The jackhammer screw. Once and for all: pounding us quickly with your cock doesn’t necessarily equate to building us to orgasm.
11. Too-hard hair pulling. Hair tugging is hot, hair pulling will put a dead halt to arousal.
12. Unconventional vibrator use. Putting our vibrator on our nipples, ass or inner thighs will get you points for creativity, but we can’t help thinking, Eew, that has vag juice on it!
13. 69-ing. You guys are obsessed with this position but honestly, we find it a bit distracting. We’d rather focus on each other’s pleasure separately, without worrying that the angle is giving you a prime view of our butthole.