Screen Shot 2014-01-31 at 11.55.39 AMIn my early sexual life, conversations with my girlfriends about partners were often peppered with attempts to see what was “normal” and the need to share this very new phenomenon that was penis and the guys who had them. Years later, giggles were replaced by belly laughs and knowing “Mmmmhmms,” as we compared notes on which guys could, which couldn’t and those who really shouldn’t try at all.

However, I think I really realized just how grown we were a few years after THAT, when we also opened up about taking pride in our own performances. That is a Thing That Matters, Clutchettes. If you’re gonna show up, you really ought to show out.

Sex is, ideally, a shared experience between two people who are mutually invested in each other’s pleasure. But because of some of the cultural messaging we get about female sexual behavior (esp Black women and girls), I wonder how many of us can’t come up with more than laying out in the starfish position while our beloved, boo or bootknocker du jour does all the work—at least during our first few years in the bedroom games.

My question to you, dear readers, is this: are YOU good at sex? If so, how did you get there? Reading books? Porn? Practice? If you aren’t, how did that become the case?

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  • MimiLuvs

    Well right now, the factory has been closed for some time now, so… No. I am as rusty as a nail.
    But back in the day (well… when I was in my early twenties), I was terrible. Yeah, I said it! I was terrible! LOL
    My problem involved one particular organ: my brain. Back when I first started to have consensual coitus, I didn’t appreciate my body. I didn’t have the healthiest source of confidence. If self-esteem was liken to a meal, then I would’ve held a cheese cube with a water cracker that is on a napkin and a paper Dixie cup of lukewarm tap water. Back in those days, I was worried about my physical appearance. I would wonder if my sexual partners saw my cellulite and stretch marks. Did they mind my cellulite and stretch marks? I wondered if I was sweating too much. Did I smell? Did they think that I was fat? I would seek for my partners’ validations before I would’ve accepted my own.
    So, sex wasn’t fun for me. Plus, ever since I wasn’t comfortable, there was a lot of times when I felt physical discomfort.
    Coincidentally, sex has began to become fun when I was in a relationship with my ex-fiancee. I don’t recall the particular moment, when I started to not give a f*ck, but I did recognize when “things fell into place” for me.

  • sherry

    I’m GREAT at it and I will toot my own horn. Being good at sex is about being comfortable with your own body and expressing your needs as well as LISTENING and PAYING ATTENTION to the needs of your partner. I aim to please and in turn, be pleased so I will do what needs to be done to get us both to the desired location of pleasure. I THOROUGHLY enjoy sex in general so it’s always something I take seriously, like a craft I’ve mastered. I think once I hit 30 and really understood my body and my needs, it was so much easier to really enjoy sex.

  • mEE

    I’m GREAT… or so I’ve been told :)

    I’ve been very lucky to have great long term partners who were patient and giving and allowed us both to take the time to find out what worked for us as a couple.

    I’ve had bad sexual experiences before…like bad. like I actually didn’t think sex could be this bad in real life. I thought it was something they made up for tv. and both those occasions were with guys I was seeing casually.

    so I’m sure for me, the being really good at sex thing, has more to do with feeling comfortable and open with my partner than anything else.

  • cosmicsistren

    I think I am I take that back. I KNOW I am good. How do I know this? Because I have had sexual partners that lasts for years not months. I think I am good because when I do it its like I am in an altered state. I really get into it. I think you have to really enjoy it and want to see your partner get off. I am also nasty so anything goes once it is time to have some fun.

    I also watched a lot of porn. My favorities? Lethal Lipps (her head game is crazy), Pinky(back in the day), Justin Slayer, Devlin Weed(old school), and Janet Jacme(also old school).