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When it comes to sex, there are certain things you can never be prepared for. Like, the first time a man unpacks the goods and you see something you really weren’t prepared for down there. Are his balls the size of grapefruits or is his penis just really tiny? Every penis is unique, but some are more unique than others. It’s important, no matter what he’s packing, to keep a poker face and not reveal your glee that you seem to have stumbled upon the world’s most perfect cockpiece or disappointment at the fact that his dick is about as thin as a pencil. We don’t want you to get caught with your pants down. Well, we do, but we just want you to be prepared when he takes his pants down. Be forewarned, if you’re single for long enough, you’re likely to meet the following penises…

1. The shape-shifter. This penis might illicit major confusion in the getting-to-know stage. You’ll feel it hard and think, OK. Cool. We’re not dealing with a micropeen situation, and then you’ll see the thing flaccid and you’ll be like, Oh wait, maybe we are. As many of us know, some guys are growers and some guys are showers, this guy is on the extreme end of grower spectrum, which is an incredible phenomenon, but ultimately, no big deal unless he has trouble getting or staying hard.

2. The crooked and/or leaning dick. When you first see this Leaning Tower of Penis, you may find yourself cocking (heh) your head in the same direction, unsure of how things are going to work. And thankfully things will work, just fine too, but certain angles will feel better than others. Sex with a crooked or leaning dick sometimes feels a little unbalanced, like when you’re holding too many heavy bags of groceries in one hand. But it can also be great, as you discover angles and positions that allow his crooked member to hit spots other dicks could only dream of reaching. Yes, a crooked dick is a dick worth getting to know before you judge.

3. The unmemorable penis. What is there to say about this guy? We wish we could tell you, but we don’t remember any details.

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