I was talking to this guy, Paul, and I was digging him. We were moving past that surface, haha stuff and getting into the real deal. Getting to that place where you start pealing back the layers and letting your representative take a break in the corner. We were developing a friendship which involved honestly sharing pieces and stories of our lives.
He would talk about girls he had dated or had one night stands. It was not done in a malicious, crude, or even yooo way too much detail kind of way, just in a comfortable, I’m putting things out their way. I would listen to the stories, but my mind started to count. One chick Three chicks. Another chick? Hold up. I think I’ve heard enough. No one wants to reveal their number, but in the course of getting to know someone, as you exchange information about past relationships and encounters, if you finished kindergarten and learned to count, you can keep track. You might not know every partner, but you can get the idea. You can pick up patterns, habits, and character issues.
So with all this sharing Paul and I were doing, I wondered if he were keeping track of my number. My “wild” experiences. He would ask me questions about my past and I wondered just how much I should tell. I could be honest, he assured. He wouldn’t “judge” me, he said. Those things don’t matter to me.
But is that true?
Oftentimes men who consider themselves evolved and swear they’re living in modern times, not 1952, claim that you could be a freak of the week and that is ok with them. They will still treat you with respect, wife you, love you, yada. But that’s not how it feels. It feels like women are punished for choosing pleasure, having multiple partners, and exploring sexual fantasies and desires.
Oh how quickly women are divided into categories ranging from whore to marriage material. I have witnessed dudes openly mock another man for falling for and choosing the ‘ho’, the one everyone passed around and he O.E.N.O. I’ve had a man tell me he didn’t want his girlfriend to have had too many partners, to have been that girl. When I shared this with Paul, his response was: that’s how most men feel. Oh? What happened to Mr. I Don’t Judge? In this two-faced, male dominated society, the women’s reputation not only follows her, it can be put on front street at a moment’s notice.
The notions of what’s acceptable behavior for a woman has grown, but we’re not yet at the Promised Land. I don’t want to stifle any woman’s sexual expression, but I encourage women to be prepared for the man who claims to be ok with your choices, but throws them back in your face in moments of insecurity. Be aware that we are not getting freaky on a leveled playing field. Do you and anyone else, but be careful and conscious of your choices. Just because you’re not keeping score doesn’t mean someone else isn’t.
Diana Veiga is a Spelman woman, a writer, and a D.C. resident. She loves Paris, cute shoes and sparkly things. Visit her site: www.aworknprogress.com