They say “The higher the heel, the closer to God.” But I say, “The higher the heel, the farther you fall when you trip in those heels and bust ass.” Stilettos are sexy as hell; they’ll give you the illusion of legs for days and can even boost your self-confidence, but the price of beauty ain’t cheap. Any woman who’s ever slipped on a pair of stilettos knows that new heights come with their own set of struggles, and cobblestone streets are just the tip of the iceberg. Here are 13 pain-in-the-ass problems all too familiar to the heel-wearing kind.
1. Getting Stuck: Whether your heel gets stuck on your own maxi skirt, in a subway grate or sidewalk crack, you will look like a doofus when your body keeps moving and your shoe does not. Sometimes the shoe even comes off, which is even more embarrassing.
2. The Heel Roll: You’re slaying the sidewalk, when all of a sudden you roll your ankle mid-stride and hobble away like a baby deer who’s learning to walk for the first time. You pray that nobody saw you. They did.
3. Tripping: When you’re 4 inches higher than you normally are, something happens to the earth’s gravitational pull that forces you to trip more often. The only way to get out of this scenario requires you to slowly jog out of the trip and act as if you suddenly remembered you have to be somewhere important.
4. Fear Of Falling: Normal, everyday tasks like walking up stairs, shuffling through a crowd of people and walking on linoleum floors are anxiety-inducing and must be executed with caution.
5. Unmanageable Pain: After approximately one hour in heels, you will lose complete circulation in your feet and your stilettos will fill up with your own blood. Other potential ailments include ingrown toenails from crunched toes, blisters, chafing, swollen ankles and or broken bones. Go hard or go home, people.
6. Tall People Problems: You are suddenly towering over everybody around you and you can’t see any of the short people in a crowd. You are Sasquatch. Hint: Avoid those with Napoleon complexes.
7. Suffocation And Sliding: Your heels fit you perfectly in the store. Then, you step outside and either the heat swells your feet, making it look like you have bran muffins shoved into size nines, or your heels start sliding out of the back of the shoes leaving you unable to walk gracefully, or, in some cases, at all.
8. Accidental Attention Whoring: It’s physically impossible not to look at someone who’s traipsing around the office making clickity-clack noises with every step they take. Getting naked might be less of a distraction.
9. Fucking Scuffs: The bane of my existence and the reason women all over the world have a love-hate relationship with patent leather.
10. Uneven Terrain: Cobblestone streets, bumpy sidewalks, patchy grass, shag rugs … you get the gist. Whole portions of Europe are inhospitable to a woman in heels.
11. Unexpected Journeys: You wore heels to go from Point A to Point B, but SURPRISE! You end up having to go to a Point C, D, and E because your friends want to drink more, which heightens the possibility of experiencing every other scenario on this list.
12. Spare Flats: Will a pair of foldable flats fit into your clutch? What if you don’t bring your phone, so that they’ll fit? But then what if you need your phone? And if you take your heels off and put the flats on, are you willing to carry your heels to your next destination? The struggle continues…
13. An Ugly Outcome: High heels wear out. Corns and bunions are forever.