Yep, like many others I am many a person’s only black friend, first “exotic” sexual experience, and justification for writing a lengthy racist Facebook status
Recently a friend texted me out of the blue, “What do you think about the Confederate flag?”
Girl. There were not enough deep breaths in the world to center my spirit and put me in the mood to discuss slaves in the middle of the afternoon, yet there I was. I hadn’t even had coffee. With a quick prayer for strength I quickly typed, “Guess…” before slipping my phone back into my purse.
If you live on this Earth and communicate with humans, at some point in your life you have overheard someone confidently explain, “I’m not racist because my best friend is black”. Right? Well, I’m that black friend.
Yep, like many others I am many a person’s only black friend, first “exotic” sexual experience, and justification for writing a lengthy racist Facebook status. What’s better is that I’m mixed race, so I’m the recipient of an even broader spectrum of fun questions and awkward, unsolicited comments that make me sigh while question marks circle my head.
Despite swimming through the deep seas of institutional racism, daily media coverage of police brutality, and subtle micro-aggressions, black people do not think about being black all the time. Really. We don’t walk down the street guided by an internal monologue of “I’M BLACK I’M BLACK I’M BLACK I’M BLACK!!!!!!!!” on a loop while humming Nina Simone.
Clearly it doesn’t matter though, because my friends and acquaintances still want me to watch them struggle to twerk for no reason, or explain how weaves work.
To clarify, I’m not throwing shade at just white people because trust me, people of all races say weird shit to black people. I have to laugh about it, because if I didn’t I would never leave my house. If you’re a fellow token black/mixed friend, the following thirty questions and statements will be no stranger to you. If on the other hand you’ve uttered any of the following lines I’m begging, no… PLEADING with y’all to please not. Please don’t do this anymore. Thank you. Pass it on.
1. Where are you from? No, like where are you from…
New Jersey. I’m really from New Jersey.
2. I’ve always wanted to hook up with a black guy.
You sound like a poacher.
3. Oh my god you look just like Beyoncé!
Try not to name the first brown celebrity you can think of. The comparison is not a compliment; you just seem like you literally can’t tell us apart.
4. I’m not racist because my best friend growing up / ex-boyfriend was black.
That’s not how racism works. Imagine Michael Vick saying, “I don’t hate dogs because my mom had a dog.”
5. I would love to volunteer in Africa. The experience would be inspirational.
You do realize that Africa is a CONTINENT with developed metropolitan cities, right? Also, exploiting communities that are disadvantaged for a humble-brag Instagram post is not cool.
6. Can I touch your hair?
No, do I look like a zoo animal?
7. What are you?
APPARENTLY A ZOO ANIMAL.
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8. But you’re not “black” black.
Ooooh, so basically you’re confused that I don’t act like a character on The Wire.
9. Yeah, but what are you the “most” of?
Code for “but exactly how black are you”? My mixed brethren are no stranger to the one-drop rule.
10. You’re so eloquent!
And this is worth noting, why? Hmm? :—)))
11. Can you do the Nae Nae?
There are no Official Black People Meetings where we congregate to practice choreography and develop new trends. Go on Vine like everyone else.
12. Teach me how to dougie! Hahahaha!
Great, now I can never listen to that song again. #corny
13. Can you braid hair?
Yes, but that’s not the point. Again, you’re basically saying, “Can you do black people stuff?”
14. *Locks car door*
I saw that.
15. I don’t see color. It doesn’t matter if someone is black, white, yellow, purple, or green…
Yes, you do, unless you have impaired vision and actually think there are green people. (In which case, I’m worried about you). Feigning colorblindness is ignoring racism.