I am absolutely tired of the charade that is masculine sexuality. And I am also thoroughly fed up with the women who continue to protect fragile male egos in the bedroom with lies and stroking. This is a problem of epidemic proportions and we have to begin to address it if we care about women having healthy and fulfilling sexual lives.

Okay, so a bit of context. I am a 26-year-old woman who loves sex. And this is not just a matter of loving intercourse, either. I love all things sexy, passionate and sexual. One would imagine it should be easy to find a man to enjoy some great sex with.

Well, guess what? Nope. Absolutely nope. It is not.

In the typical scenario, many men are boring and vanilla as hell, undervalue the importance of foreplay, may not last during intercourse for more than five minutes and far too often argue against giving cunninglingus (while expecting oral sex for themselves). In the worst case scenario, they are struggling with porn addiction and can’t even get it up. In the occasional scenario, they can, with limited enthusiasm, deliver on the basics, some intercourse and maybe a back rub.

And in the best case scenario– let’s call this the unicorn– the are filled with passion and conviction, can be firm and assertive and won’t ask you to do anything to him he wouldn’t do to you.

I like unicorns. They enjoy equal parts kink and equal parts passion and are instinctively driven by their partner’s desires. I only want to have sexual relationships with unicorns.

However, I’d also really be happy if unicorns became just like, another horse: Regular, typical and easy to find. I’d love for all men to understand sex as an act of mutual passion and pleasure, not merely a way to get off. Except, most don’t have access to basic sex education and the women they have had past experiences with told blatant lies.

After all, almost every guy I ever ask tries to argue that he made every woman he ever had sex with come, despite multiple studies that have found that women only orgasm about half the time they have sex with a partner. Where are they getting this idea from? Well, the women they are being intimate with, of course. Why y’all lying? WHHYY?

Then there is the ubiquitous myth that women are pleased by sexual intercourse alone. That there is anything magic about that stick. Don’t get me wrong, penises are nice (most heterosexual women would agree), but most women need clitoral stimulation to get off. And not that psychotic fast, jerky motion like a DJ on a mixing board, either. Clitorises are sensitive– super sensitive. They should be touched, stroked and caressed delicately. How the heck do grown men not know this. Y’all been lying to these dudes that they are performing well while they are scratching away at your clit?

Or the expectation that all women scream and moan ridiculously loud when enjoying sex acts, as if that is somehow normal. As if she is being murdered or the pain is so unbearable that she can’t contain herself. Reality check: big ole 6-10lbs babies come out of vajays. That requires screaming. Cumming? I can do that in silence with a few awkward grunts, thank ya very much.

Why should any woman meet a man in his 20’s, 30’s or older who still believes in these myths? Because porn says it’s so? Or cause y’all telling lies?

Men are far too protected and far too committed to protecting their own damn egos when it comes to sex with women. They always have to believe that everything they are doing is great and that they are proving that they can lay down the pipe and many women are willing to cosign these delusions, to the detriment of their own pleasure. And mine!

When I straight up stop a guy who tries to tear off his pants and whip out his penis, like an eager teenage boy, just as we begin to get intimate, and he gives me an attitude, I’m always thinking about the women who he must’ve been with before who somehow lead him to believe that was ok. And I twitch a bit. It angers me. Yes, partially because he is a selfish dude who should know better in the first place. But secondarily because some woman was willing to accept it and thus made him believe it should be acceptable at all to any women.

It’s not.

Women need to view their pleasure as paramount during intimate relations with men. Not just for themselves, but possibly for any other women that man may possibly have relations with in the future. If we viewed our sexual fulfillment as equally important as men’s, expectations would be set that would reflect that.

It’s time us ladies make some unicorn out of these damn jackasses. And we can only do so by reclaiming our own sexuality and no longer telling men lies.

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