Feature

Am I Meant to be Single?

Monday Aug 17, 2009 – By Tameka Jo Pauldo

is098q2rt If I were to ask every single woman on earth if she desires to be married one day, the answer would be an undeniable yes. But, is marriage a reality for all, or are some of us destined to be single for life? The reason I ask is because CNN’s Black in America: Reclaiming the Dream aired a few weeks ago, and I heard one of the most profound statements, that made my ears perk up like a puppy dog.

“It goes to the issue of self-esteem because we’ve sort of glamorized that everybody is supposed to be married, when that’s not the case, even from a biblical standpoint. There are people who may just have to be single.” –Judge Penny Brown Reynolds

Upon hearing the controversial comment, I took it at face value –not everyone will get married in this lifetime. Whether you agree with or want to believe Judge Reynolds’ take on marriage, she makes valid points that warrant further exploration. After delving deeper into this notion, it struck me as another taboo topic that African American women must face. There are black women who will never experience matrimony. Today’s single woman boasts with pride and assurance that a higher power is in control and will send her the right man at the right time. Others attest to living a pious lifestyle, practicing such disciplines as celibacy, abstinence, and patience. But, once the realization is made that you may never know what it’s like to say ‘I do,’ will that inner confidence be enough to sustain your human existence without a life-long partner or sexual intimacy?

Judge Reynolds is merely trying to open our eyes and minds to a bigger picture:

* Think beyond the designer dress, lavish ceremony, and oversized reception.
* There are accounts of women in the bible who were never married, thus, history will repeat itself.
* Take a look at yourself and the people around you and you will find at least one single woman raising a family by herself.

Women are quick to justify why they are single, often confessing …

“I’m picky, and won’t settle.”

“I have high standards.”

“I’m consumed with work, and don’t have time to date.”

“I’ve got my guard up on love, because I’m too scared of getting hurt.”

When you take into consideration the laws of the universe, we are humanly responsible for who we attract in our lives. So when I hear women say these things, it’s obvious they don’t understand the greater extent to the rule; words speak life. Instead of attracting what they desire, they get the complete opposite. Look at it this way. If you are picky, he is too, so why should he settle. You have high standards, so does he, and you may not meet his criteria. At this rate, inevitably, you will never cross paths with your potential mate.

My wish for this piece is not to shatter your hopes and dreams, but to help you understand that being a single woman who has great qualities doesn’t mean you will walk down the aisle. Unfortunately, there’s no surefire way to get a ring on your finger, and no such thing as a crystal ball to look ahead, only time will tell if you are meant to be married or single.

softjunebreeze says:

August 17, 2009 at 3:51 am

“If I were to ask every single woman on earth if she desires to be married one day, the answer would be an undeniable yes”

Being a bit presumptuous are we? Believe it or not, there ARE women in the world whose sole purpose for existing doesn’t revolve around finding a husband. I know that marriage is the norm that is pushed on the populace ad nauseum, but that doesn’t mean everyone has the same agenda.

↑ Reply

jayla says:

August 17, 2009 at 5:05 am

Thanks for adressing this, i know all women dont desire to be married, but the few of us that do, are trying to figure out how we cope with idea that having a mate might not be in the cards for us.

ceecee says:

August 17, 2009 at 8:15 am

“So when I hear women say these things, it’s obvious they don’t understand the greater extent to the rule; words speak life. Instead of attracting what they desire, they get the complete opposite.”

So true, but how do you speak life without coming off as sounding desperate?

Harlem Chic says:

August 17, 2009 at 9:21 am

This is a great read.

I think the main point to hone in is that women of all races mustn’t fall in the trap of being narrow minded. Just because women are conditioned to walk down the aisle from birth doesn’t mean that’s meant for you. Look at Oprah. Never married. So much so that people even stopped asking her. She has her man, her own money, is a citizen of the world and she never let anybody should on her cause she lives and plays by her own rules.

If there’s no ring on it; you are still worthy and we’ve got to get it out of our hearts that we must be qualified by a man to feel whole. Marriage can be a beautiful thing; but it also can be a thing of misery when we’re too desperate to get hitched, attached, impregnated, or just to be able to say “I’s Married Chile!!!”

Ginger says:

August 17, 2009 at 10:09 am

I don’t think that saying, I will get married is desperate. That’s what you want. You are simply statng a desire.

My question is…if we are what we attract, are you saying we have to change ourselves to attract a suitable mate?

Najla says:

August 17, 2009 at 12:20 pm

I thought the article was a good read. I must say that just because you don’t get married doesn’t mean that you can’t have a life partner. I think people are re-defining what it means to be married or in a marriage. Look at Halle Berry for instance. She has been with her boyfriend for a couple of years now and she has a daughter. Just because she didn’t marry him doesn’t mean that she’s not fufilled. She says she feels more married now than when she was married to any of her ex-husbands. I agree that not every woman on this earth will get married but that doesnt mean that they can’t be in a life long relationship with someone and be totally happy and fufilled.

Laquita Thomas-Banks says:

August 17, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Great article :o)

Hope says:

August 17, 2009 at 1:15 pm

People misunderstand the laws of the universe everyday. Yes, we speak and attract things into our existence with what we say, think, believe and the choices we make. However we must also remember that just because we speak it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. The key is to look deeper into our desires. What is it that we think being married will make us feel? If we want to feel secure, loved and treasured we can start today whether we are single or in a committed relationship to create this reality for ourselves in how we treat others and in how we treat ourselves. Don’t wait for a partner to embody that which must rise from within you. The greatest love must be established inside the self first and be the foundation which will carry you through all other relationships. Let’s start digging beneath the surface. Let’s give some time if we are single to envisioning the deeper qualities of the one we hope to attract to our life and also continue to cultivate in ourselves the qualities we want to share with another. Love is not all about receiving, it’s about giving too. The business of marriage is booming and we must really look at whether we crave it as a symbol of status. Many women are caught up in a fairy tale and just can’t wait for some man, any man to find them worthy enough to be a wife. A true marriage is a vocation – one of life’s great works, like parenthood, an epic undertaking that should never be wished for or entered into lightly. It is about so much more than a ring, a fluffy dress or a honeymoon. Instead of feeling pressure and a necessity to rush to the altar you can ask yourself if you are we really ready to love unconditionally and to invite someone into the depths of your life. Visualize not only the ideal partner but that your life be made ready to meet someone else with honesty and clarity. Patience is the new paradigm. Appreciate your life whether single or married. Be an enthusiastic traveler on this wonderful journey and know that right here and right now you are complete and whole. A marriage can be a beautiful expansion of who you are but with or without it you are no more or less important. You have gifts to share with the world. Concentrate on the offering you want to make with your life, the legacy of kindness that you want to leave behind you. This is your greatest purpose and if marriage is to be a part of your journey welcome it. If you are reading this, you have so much to be thankful for. Be full of gratitude and life will continue to shower you with blessings of all shapes and sizes…..don’t limit your happiness because you don’t have everything you want right now. Get to know yourself right now while you have the gift of time and space and solitude to bask in the goodness of your own life and potential. Be a self-loved, awakened and confident woman. Commit to yourself that you will put your well-being first and not let society define who you are and what you are worth. The world needs more than ever women full of love and confidence who are whole in themselves.

Poppy says:

August 17, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Odd advice coming from this judge person I believe she has been married four times. Well then again she may be one of those who is suppose to be married. Doesn’t she also rule over family court? She probably learned a lot about family marrying into so many of them. I’m not sure I’d want her deciding a case for my family when it doesn’t appear she is too stable with relationships in her own life.

Nikia says:

August 17, 2009 at 3:58 pm

HOPE, what you’ve written was extremely awesome….I take to heart numerous quotes….

JoeBmore says:

August 17, 2009 at 5:47 pm

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Mahogany Misfit (aka "CF SP") says:

August 17, 2009 at 6:30 pm

I am definitely embracing my singledom for the long haul. I honestly don’t see myself ever getting married.

I brought this up in another thread here about marriage but it doesn’t hurt to rehash it again…most of the research done on marriage shows it benefits men more than it does women. I’ve read quite a bit about this over the years…

-Married men report higher levels of happiness than their single counterparts AND married women

-Married men are more likely than married women to report that their spouse is their best friend (probably because women get better emotional support from other women rather than from their husbands)

-Married men make more money than their single counterparts and achieve more career success

-Married men live an average of seven years longer than their single counterparts and are in better health

The last study I read on longevity stated that married women live an average of 2 years longer than single women, but other than that, no similar benefits for women have been proven. As far as health goes, married women are shown not to benefit from any marriage that isn’t a “happy” marriage (women in unhappy marriages actually have more health problems and more instances of heart related illnesses than their single counterparts), while men experience health benefits from marriage IN ANY FORM – happy or unhappy.

This information is readily available all over the internet…a lot of the information is subjective and non-scientific but the fact that these same studies are done by various organizations and still seem to report pretty much the same conclusions is indicative that there is some credibility to this data.

Also the fact still remains that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce (66% of Black marriages do) and two-thirds of ALL the divorces in this country are filed by women.

That is 70%….all filed by women.

Also divorced and widowed men remarry at much higher rates than divorced and widowed women. My theory on that is that men are so much more “taken care of” in marital unions than women that once a marriage is over, they seek to replicate the same comfort and care they received in their former marriage with a new marriage. Women however, seem to want to stay unmarried after divorcing or losing a spouse to death. They aren’t rushing out to get married again the way men are…any theories on why?

What does all of this that say about the realities of marriage for women? Our husband’s aren’t usually our best friends. Our health & longevity usually doesn’t get a boost. Once we’re out of a marriage, we don’t seem to want to remarry because apparently it sucks THAT bad.

So I’m not sure why exactly women are so set on getting married…especially when we seem to get so little out of it, yet are societally expected to do most of the care-taking and relationship maintenance. I find it sad (and crazy as hell) that we project this fairy tale image upon weddings and marriage when the reality is clearly anything but fantasy-worthy.

When I look at the married people in my life…there is not one woman who seems as happy or as well taken care of as her husband. Not a one. Maybe that’s just my circle of friends and family but I sorta doubt it. Marriage seems to be a chore and a bore yet this is what we should aspire to…ugh no thanks.

Singlehood is pretty liberating as far as I’m concerned…more of us should embrace it and stop thinking that getting married and taking care of a man is the road to fulfillment.

Sammi Janelle says:

August 17, 2009 at 10:16 pm

Here’s a link discussing something similar, but giving a different perspective.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32379727/ns/health-sexual_health/

Tameka Jo says:

August 18, 2009 at 8:35 pm

Thank you everyone for commenting and reading, as well as sharing your views on the topic :)! I love the responses!

E says:

August 27, 2009 at 3:06 pm

It’s 2009, women being married is NOT the ultimate goal for a lot of women… Generalizing isnt cool….

Anyway I’m not sure I want to get married, and marriage and what it takes to have a marriage is two different enitities in itelf

Am I meant to be single, maybe, do I want to be: No