Feature

And, You’re Not Married Yet?

Sunday Apr 1, 2007 – By Tremaine L. Loadholt

And, You're Not Married Yet? As a twenty-six year old single, black female I can safely say that one of the questions I am most irritated by is are you married? How does one approach answering this question?

It seems that the focal point for older acquaintances and family members of mine is to demean my existence with the aforementioned phrase. What, the fact that I am an intellectual human being who received a higher education, works for a great company, has published a book of poetry, and adores her job isn’t good enough? There are many ways I can answer this question, but I usually opt for the safest and most suitable way out by informing the person with an ever-so-keen smirk gracing my face, “No, I am not.” The look I am given is as if I have been diagnosed with the bubonic plague and they somehow wish to erase themselves from my personal space. Nothing has to follow my rebuttal. I only retort further if other questions are asked, which they usually are.

Most people (who I know personally) cannot settle for that one question. It is oftentimes followed by, “Well, are you at least seeing someone?” For the last two years and two months the answer to this question has been, “No, I am not.” I find it best to keep things simple and concise in these situations. I do not want to be reminded of my “marital (or lack thereof)” status each time I participate in a meet and greet with various friends and family members.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren exclaims in his article “What is the Right Age to Get Married,” “If you want to avoid becoming a divorce statistic or living for years in an unhappy marriage take seriously the need to wait until you have personally developed your identity and life goals. If you do, your selection of a mate will be based on the “totally grown up you” and prove to be as good twenty or thirty years from now as it is today.” I profess; marriage is definitely in my future plans, but not right now. I am focused on who I am, who I want to become and what I must do to obtain this. I do not want to be another woman who settles for less for the sake of having “married” as a part of her description. Settling will get me nowhere, and I would go even further to say the same for any female or male dealing with this issue as well. There is time to unite as one should you find your soul-mate (women) or “rib (men)”. Don’t let others dictate when that time should be.

If you have experienced answering or dodging these same questions, know that you do not stand alone. There are both women and men who have been victims of the Are you married or Well, are you at least seeing someone conversation starters. These phrases or the traditional reminiscence behind them will not go away. As long as there is life and breath in the body of the people who make up your circle, these questions will remain constant predators. And, you my dear friend will be their prey.

Jan says:

April 1, 2007 at 12:34 pm

hear, hear! this is EXTREMELY sage advice: “…take seriously the need to wait until you have personally developed your identity and life goals….” it can make all the difference in the world. great article!

↑ Reply

Ralph says:

April 1, 2007 at 2:37 pm

As a married person, I agree 100% with the good Dr. Warren. Marrying too soon and not fully knowing who YOU are as a person will often lead to the most painful depression you can imagine. There’s nothing quite like being married to someone and feeling alone. People are igonorant in their mythological and fantastic view of marriage. Therefore they press the idea of marriage onto single people. All things considered though, I’d rather hear “You’re not married yet?”, as opposed to “You’re divorced? Oh I’m sorry….”. Truly.

noni says:

April 1, 2007 at 2:57 pm

it was funny, i have never been asked this question & i think a lot has to do w/ my location. being a child of hollywood w/ mothers who believe in children before husbands, well… let’s say i get asked “you’re not famous yet?” wayyyy more often than id like

in fact, it wld be nice if ppl around me valued marriage more than they do.

i appreciate this article. mostly b/c of ur perspective & being oh so cool w/ where ur at & where u want to be, whut u want to have & whut u need. it is refreshing.

the site is ill too.

tremaine says:

April 1, 2007 at 3:36 pm

thanks you guys for dropping by and spitting your thoughts. and, it’s good to get the view point of a young black, married man too *nods*

Nikki says:

April 1, 2007 at 3:57 pm

Great article! When people ask me “Why are you single?” I’m like “Um, Why not?” I think some people are just delusional! Do they not know how hard it can be to meet someone you’d even want to go out on a second date with, let alone marry?!?

I’m sure that marriage is wonderful and all that (when both parties are willing to work at it), but I’ve rarely seen it work out for anybody (I’m just speaking from my own life experience). Besides, I’d rather wait for the right guy than just settle for anything just to say that “I’m married.” Whatev…

April 1, 2007 at 4:13 pm

My sentiments exactly. I think most folks are so bent on the traditional reminiscence of marriage and its counterparts. Because, say I get married just all willy nilly, the next question will be, “So, when are you guys going to have some children?” I’d like a steady and level head, and whomever I marry has got to be in it for the long haul. He’ll be stuck with me, ya dig? Stuck…

Alisha says:

April 1, 2007 at 5:43 pm

If someone asks me that question one more time, I don’t know what I’ll do! This was a great article.

BLESS says:

April 1, 2007 at 5:54 pm

How true! I haven’t given much time to dwelling on why I’m not married (6 days before my 30th bday at that) mostly because I know me. I’m a handful to say the least. LOL When I finally make the leap it’s going to be for the sake of finally connecting with my soulmate in this lifetime. I want my marriage to be defined by the two of us not have marriage define who we (my honey & I) are.

April 1, 2007 at 8:39 pm

Bless, I truly think that is a good way to look at the situation. If you *know* you entirely, then you know how important it is to find someone who’ll appreciate you and everything you have to offer. I’m always thinking about that. Thanks for reading you guys.

soulbrotha says:

April 2, 2007 at 1:47 am

Preach and speak on it.

BRENDA T. says:

April 2, 2007 at 8:17 am

Well, well, well. Nice job Missy. You touched on some good points. My only hope is that the “older” crowd will read this and do some self-examination. If people were more honest about their “marriages”, they would not be in such a rush to scowl at the single sector for not taking that leap into forever with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. God bless!!!

April 2, 2007 at 8:53 am

hey there you two. thanks for dropping by. bren, i sincerely hope it’s read by some of older associates as well. just last night, I had another family member ask me the same question. *shakes head*

kimabe says:

April 2, 2007 at 8:54 am

37 years old seems like the ripe age when one should know them selves, but what i KNOW for sure is that age should never ever be a factor for pushing the marriage envelope. Every thing in it’s own season is my philosophy. Right now the season is nurturing who i am, not whom I’m attached to.

lei says:

April 2, 2007 at 11:22 am

i’ve been waiting to read this article & you did not disappoint!

Tracey says:

April 2, 2007 at 12:50 pm

Tre-

I am so impressed!! How wonderfully refreshing to see someone your age have the goals you have and make no excuses about it! Being 20 years older than you, and divorced for 15 + years, I get asked that question a lot as all of my friends who divorced years ago are remarried. This is my choice, as it is every woman’s choice, and one I do not take lightly. But it is my life and I’ll live it how I please. Though I have a man in my life and have for 8 years, who says I have to marry him? I might decide I’d rather have a dog…who knows!?!? Thank you so much for sharing your website and article with me. I already liked and respected you, but now I REALLY like and respect you!!! Keep up the good work…you WILL go far!

Georgeus says:

April 2, 2007 at 12:57 pm

Marriage should never be rushed into…in my case probably before 40. We men need to fully accomplish something and build something before any woman is going to be able to deal with him(or me) for that matter. The landscape is a different place and the world has now opened up to us in so many different ways and so has the dating pool. It takes a long time to sort thru all those possibilities for happiness and compatibility.

Lteefaw says:

April 2, 2007 at 1:44 pm

On behalf of all us married fools I want to apologize for their rudeness.

All you single girls out there live your life. Work on building your careers, travel, build friendship and offer free babysitting for one of your old married friends. :)

April 2, 2007 at 1:54 pm

I agree totally with you, and it’s good to see your take|spin on it. Now, you guys get to browsing, reading, and responding some of these other articles. Check out the site in its entirety, it’s truly a great spot.

omi says:

April 2, 2007 at 3:04 pm

i feel you–although the shock & awe moment around here is typically when folks find out i don’t have any babies.

thankfully i come from a family that has always said to get married/have babies in my own time and within my own comfort zone. they’d rather see me living & loving life than tied down too soon.

N. Akili says:

April 2, 2007 at 5:31 pm

Having lived with someone I thought I might possibly be able to married and subsequently seeing him for who he really was, I co-sign on every single word of this article.

Abdullah says:

April 2, 2007 at 11:19 pm

Nice article you seem comfortable with your decision to be single, you did not mention one thing which is you have been aked to be married or have had several suitors before? I assume like most successful poeple it is your decision to be single.

April 3, 2007 at 8:09 am

Hi Abdullah, to answer part of your question, i’ll just quote this section of the article, “I profess; marriage is definitely in my future plans, but not right now. I am focused on who I am, who I want to become, and what I must do to obtain this. I do not want to be another woman who settles for less for the sake of having “married” as apart of her description.”

Now for the other part, I do not have any current suitors, and at one point I was with a guy for 4 and 1/2 years and thought the next step would be marriage; apparently I was sadly mistakened. It is my decision to be single now because I would like to accomplish a few more things before “setting down,” and I’ve not yet found “the right one.” Thanks for reading.

April 3, 2007 at 8:42 am

and, that should be “settling down.”

Christina says:

April 3, 2007 at 11:05 am

I am the lone engaged person in my large group of single friends and associates. I understand where the single folks are coming from in being sick of feeling put down by the married set, but sometimes it is equally as difficult for those of us who choose to get married young (I am 25).

I believe that every person should follow the path that fits them best. I never question a person’s choice to remain single for as long as they choose. Its a deeply personal decision that is best left to the individual and not for others to criticize or question.

On the other side-its hard to be engaged and have singles questioning your decision (in a similar fashion to the married folks who put down singles…. You’re Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Someone is bound to criticize your life choices not matter what. You just have to hold your head high and be confident in your sense of self!

vnw says:

April 3, 2007 at 1:51 pm

I really enjoyed the article. As a newly 31 year old single woman without children, I get asked that question and when are you going to have kids. My mom just came back from Cancun and told me that she brought some wedding packages home, but not to put any pressure on me or anything. I just laughed it off. Marriage is in my future (hopefully). The quote “…take seriously the need to wait until you have personally developed your identity and life goals. If you do, your selection of a mate will be based on the “totally grown up you” and prove to be as good twenty or thirty years from now as it is today” are words to live by.

Sasha says:

April 3, 2007 at 2:22 pm

I totally agree with the excerpt from the book about waiting until you have developed your identity and life goals. I was in a relationship for 4 plus years and even considered moving out of state and changing grad schools to be with the man I “loved”. However, as time progressed I started to notice that we were growing in two different directions. As a woman of the new millenium I felt as if I didn’t need to ’settle’ just because I was “in love”. I knew and know what I want and expect. I still love him to this day but we had to let the ‘young love’ go and start focusing on ourselves….and once we did I noticed that I was the only one focused on the “future” where as he lived “day by day”. That is a huge difference that I wasn’t able to accept but our friendship is the best and for now that is all that we will have :)

April 3, 2007 at 2:54 pm

“I still love him to this day but we had to let the ‘young love’ go and start focusing on ourselves,” Sasha, this is exactly how I view my relationship with my ex of 4+ years. Sometimes, it is either meant to be or it isn’t. Life is the best teacher, I always say. *nods* thanks you guys for reading.

Yanna says:

April 4, 2007 at 7:03 pm

Great article! I agree with everything said. I am in a fairly new relationship (1 year) and am constantly evaluating whether he and I are on the same page. I have no problem walking away from something that’s not going to benefit either party in the end. I’ll be 25 this month and o one is asking why I’m not married yet, but when they do I’ll do my best not to let it bother me.

*Idea* do you think you could do an article on cohabitation?

Happily Married says:

April 4, 2007 at 7:06 pm

To all singles, being blessed with good marriage where both partners work together for tranquility is priceless, My husband has yet to hold me back from any of the dreams that I want to achieve, if anything he’s contributed to helping get stronger in them.When he had dreams of pursuing the NBA, I was on standby being ME,MYSELF and I. My point is if you feel your better off pursuing your life’s work single then JUST SAY SO! If you are lucky enough to find a partner who wants to grow in success with you then that’s just icing on the cake. And by the way we are almost turning thirty and are still empty-nesters. We spend so much time pursuing our dreams of success that we haven’t stopped yet to consider the impact of kids, oh well if it happens?…

April 4, 2007 at 7:11 pm

@Yanna, Oh yeah cohabition isn’t a tricky one either…just communicate effectively about EVERYTHING! dishes, cleaning, parents as in-laws etc. It helps if you can do it in a way that’s fun, you know laughing over home-made smoothies, or Sunday afternoon drives while looking at model homes etc.

April 4, 2007 at 9:23 pm

Yanna, I often like to write about things I actually experience when they are *this* important and since I have yet to “shack up” with anyone, I don’t think my thoughts for or against it would actually be meaty (so to speak) enough for my taste. and, Happily Married, I think you gave some very sound advice. As of today, I’ve yet to find someone who understands that when I want space, peace, and time to write, I actually want and NEED that. there are other things as well, which there always are…

but; I’d like to meet someone who embodies this quality and will not become an instant jealous bug when i spend a little too much time with my head in my notebook. so, i thoroughly agree that once you’ve found that person who gives you all that you need and desire and understands you too, definitely do what you can to hold onto him|her. thanks for reading.

Watch_and_Learn says:

April 6, 2007 at 1:27 pm

I found my new favorite blogsite-YEAH!!!! This article was very enlightning as well as thought provoking, especially to those of us in our mid- twenties who are constantly bomabarded with nosey family members (they mean well…hopefully)! I’m gonna put on my Jill Scott and get reflective for a moment…excuse me ya’ll!

Leela says:

April 10, 2007 at 4:08 pm

I know someone who caved to this question by living a lie. She lived with an older man all thru her twenties while friends/family tried to advise her tht she was “settling” while he accomplished all his qoals. she hit 30 and gave him an ulttimatum and ran her mouth. Instead of leaving as she told friends/family she would, she stayed brought a house with him and lies telling friends/family and employers that she is MARRIED! isn’t that the SADDEST? This mars her integrity and self eseem in every way. She is now too ashamed to come around those friends/family due to her humiliation. She even went so far as to buy herself a fake wedding set and wear it too work. But when seen out in public she twists the ring around to be unseen. But was stupid enough to put her name/credit on a 30 year mortgage with a man who wouldn’t even change a flat tire for her.

lesliearnelle says:

April 21, 2007 at 12:55 pm

Wow…what an awesome topic. Bravo to all the replies. Im 31 and no I dont like being single. Yes I would love to find my TRUE LOVE and say that God has finally released him to me and Im happily married and so on but you know what Ive found true 3 things:
1. We dont have a clue what true love is until we find true love in ourselves.
2. We will not recognize TRUE LOVE if we continue to settle for less.
3. darn lol it slipped my mind….lol!

Ladies & Gents, I can go on and on but to make it brief lets please stop settling just to say were married or in a relationship because all we end up doing is livin a lie that will end up being a wear and tear on your spirit and soul in the long run!

I too know 3 ppl I can name who’s in a relationship just because they have a child with the person but cheating on the side because their not happy…I say why risk bringing something home that will cause more problems and why waste your time and their time if you want out…

SIGH!!!!

Stay Fab & Blessed!

Leslie A.

Talking marriage to being single says:

May 2, 2007 at 9:42 pm

Wow…interesting article. I am 32 and have never been married and don’t have kids, so you can only imagine how many times I have been asked this question. Lol. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2+ years. Everyone just knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be attending our wedding. He’s been married before and had a terrible divorce but I thought he had dealt with these scars and we were talking about being married. All of the marriage conversations were always initiated by him. I thought we were headed in the right direction. A month ago he told me he “wasn’t ready”. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Once I heal and move pass this ordeal, I am hoping to find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with.

May 24, 2007 at 6:54 am

*sighs* I hope you find that someone.

Niqs says:

May 21, 2008 at 8:35 am

I think folk just get sooo caught up in the norms of life, and not breaking any boundaries. Being single is just not part of their programme, they dont understand how you can still be a part of society and hold your own- because they couldnt..