Feature

H.A.T.E.R.S.

Monday Jul 6, 2009 – By A.C. Workman

74009535 HATERS. Hmmm, where oh where is a girl to start on that subject? Okay, how’s about I begin with a couple-few cliché’s like, “A HATER by any other name still stinks as bad”? No, that’s my bad angel talking. Yoo hoo, Good Angel, where you at, gurrl? I need ya, something fierce. Phewww. Good Angel is here, too. She says, “A HATER by any other name is a deeply suffering, human being, desperately in need of and, more importantly, deserving of our utmost compassion, understanding and love.” Good Angel is clearing her throat now, as if she is not finished. Oh sh*t, here she go again…Good Angel says “A HATER is someone with so little self-love that when she encounters a mirror image of herself, she despises her with an intensity and ferocity which defies any logic or reason.

Thank you, ummm…”angels,” now can I get a word in edgewise? Damn, it’s MY article, so pretty please with Sweet N’ Low on top…..get on up out my Kool-Aid. Okay, so I heard you both flapping your gums and everything, and I will have you know that I have been there AND done that, ladies. Yes, my cherubic ones, time and time again, I gave your arguments considerable, umm, consideration and tried to work it all out, make “peace” with the haters (as it were), but it’s still tough on a girl, okay? Yo, it seriously kills me when women, especially women of color, give credence to that ugly myth that we don’t love and support and encourage one another along in our paths. I’m a witness, ladies. As sure as I’m standing here in my brand-new, bad-ass, pink peep-toe BCBG pumps (oooh, grrrlZ, $39 on clearance at DSW), I can TESTIFY to the fact that I have had some amazing, beautiful, loving, encouraging, supportive sisters in my life, there to cheer me on when I achieve my little victories in life, and holding my hand when I feel like I’m all alone. But, if I’m gonna keep it one hun’ned (and I am, OH, yes the hell I am), then I also have to co-sign that I have oftentimes been at the business end of some serious hateration. WHY?

Sh*t, I don’t know why. I have my theories, all right. Oh, yes, I have plenty of theories. Let’s see, how ‘bout low self-esteem, sexism, racism, classism, bad childhoods, the competitive nature of Western culture. Take your pick. But, mine is not to question WHY (we can do that in another article, if you like), so much as figure out how to dodge those hating bullets when they come zooming at us.

True story, Clutchettes. So recently, some professional haters came at me hard. I mean, they were on their J.O., fo’real-fo’real. Day in. Day out. Yo, like they had studied the script of “Mean Girls” as their bible, this small collective of bonafide bee-yotches were doing me all kinds of greaZy. Pathologically vicious human beings who lived to wipe the smile off my face. Okay, okay, I know. Enough whining, you get the picture…they was Weally, Weally mean to me (sniffs, dabs eyelashes, continues….). Okay, so at first I was like, “Oh, hell naw. Ain’t nobody gonna steal my joy, right?” So, I smiled bigger. Didn’t work. They hated on me harder. I smiled even brighter, turning on that megawatt, movie-star jont. Sheeit. That just threw lighter fluid on their evil meanie-girl flames. I wasn’t deterred. I tried a few other techniques. Like, umm, hating back. It no worky. Defusing the situation with a Zen-like calmness? Total flop! I tried just not giving an ish. That bombed too. I tried compassion and understanding. None of it, I mean, not NONE of it worked, y’all. These haters were some serious devotees to the Cult of Mean, and they were not budging. Finally, when I thought all was lost, I tried gratitude. That’s right, GRATITUDE.

A friend of mine (thank you so much, darlin’) told me that I should be THANKFUL for the haters, for the blessings and the lessons they had brought into my life. It wasn’t an easy sell, but as I retraced the recent events in my life post-haters, I realized that she was exactly, one hundred percent right. Because of those haters, I had reached out to other, loving human beings. I had made new friends and deepened relationships with existing ones. I had learned a helluva lot about myself (like that my anger wasn’t at the haters for hating, but at myself for allowing them to convince me turn down my shine). I had grown and discovered some amazing new writers and poets (I always turn to literature for solace in tough times). I had expanded my horizons, trying yoga for the first time (to de-stress). Even my initially writing for CLUTCH, was, in a way, an indirect result of my dealing with these haters (i.e. due to the encouragement of a friend whom I never would have met if not for my trying to problem-solve a situation that the haters had thrown at me). So, it really was all good. ALL of it! Every last drip drop.

So, next time some poor, lost souls in the form of HATERS come at you, don’t bristle. Don’t run away and hide or duck for cover. Just simply say “Thank you” (although it is probably more advisable not to say this out loud). Try looking at them a little differently. Have a little appreciation for the unforeseen gifts they are and will bring into your life. Yo, if I ruled the world, none of us would have to deal with backstabbers, gossipers, people acting all kindZa shady, talking bullsh*t behind our backs and plotting our downfall. It would all be Kumbayah and holding hands and sisterhood. But, I ain’t running a damn thang. I’m just a lowly scribbler who scratches out articles about haters and platform sandals, see? That means, we still have to deal with them haters who aren’t quite ready to love themselves or us….yet. So, do you and just deal with them and welcome the unintended opportunities they open up for you. Get your “mad-on” or your “love-on” or your “compassion-on” because it’s all a part of this bad-ass journey we call life, all part growth and evolving and becoming who the hell we’re supposed to be. To the Haters: On behalf of all Clutchettes, I’d like to say thank you. Thank you so very very much.

*A very special shout out to the haters who inspired me to write this article on haters!! Thanks, girls (blows kiss).

Soul Cry says:

July 6, 2009 at 1:54 pm

…I didn’t even know women over university age used the word ‘Hater’…maybe it’s just me and my circle of friends. And thank goodness myself and my clique have better things to do then worry about people’s opinion.

No matter what you do in life there will always be someone who has something to say about it. I’m not running up my blood pressure over their cattiness. My mother always you said people don’t make you feel this way or that unless you allow them too.

So I just smile sweetly and move about my business, maybe add a bit more swing for good measure. No apologizes.

↑ Reply

B-Sizzle says:

July 6, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Hating is the new sincerest form of flattery. Nobody hates on Derek Fisher and his 3 points, but there no shortgage of haters for Kobe and his 30. I wish more people hated on me.

lexibugg says:

July 6, 2009 at 6:11 pm

haters, since childhood, have been a constant part of my life. at first i thought something was wrong with me. i mean, grown A** women, soccer moms and all, will begin to behave like 12 year old little girls around me, with the catty,snarlly, nasty behavior. and there is always some body staring me down. i cant tell you how many times a pack of mean, know-they-are-too-old, Hatin’A** broads, have followed me for blocks just hatin’. i discovered a very long time ago that this behavior is evidence that i’ve sparked some insecurity in that indivisual. i have never ben a hater, if some one makes you feel insecure, the solution is to do what ever needs to be done to make you fell better about yourself, not try to tear someone else down, that only makes you feel worse!!!

July 6, 2009 at 6:37 pm

I got home and re-read your entry. I will be the first to say, the word Hater automatically turns me off…rolling my eyes.

But, there are some points I truly agree with, ridding yourself of their poinsoning behavior. Surrounding yourself with postive people. Expanding who you are as a woman, spitirually/soulfully, filling your life with positive energy. Sadly, there is a lot of negativity in this world…and misery loves company.

All you can do is stay true to yourself and keep moving. Not everybody is going to like you. But funny story….my best friend, we met working at the same company and didn’t think she liked me at all. I always felt like I was getting stared down. But one day we had to do a project together and we were inseperable every since. I asked her about it years later and she said hell no, she loved my vibe and my style and wanted to come chat but I didn’t look like I wanted to be bothered. So…maybe we read more into people then we should.

Clnmike says:

July 6, 2009 at 10:21 pm

I Hate this article………………no I dont just playing, lol.

Pter says:

July 7, 2009 at 12:11 am

i’m really really really going to try to take the advice in this article. really really try.

tandy says:

July 7, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Its not HATING if what they say about you in true ! I HATE THIS CRAP ! Peeps that claim to be hated on is usually doing some low level sh*t and when they get called on it ….they say someone is HATING on them !

Tila says:

July 7, 2009 at 10:02 pm

I totally agree with,tandy. I mean if a person’s life is fulfilling,wouldn’t they not be caught up with who is hating on them? I always said I really wouldn’t notice a hater if they walked up and slapped me. I can only hope that I am putting enough good vibes to be getting them back in return.

Not to mention,EVERYONE is not going to like what you do,say,look like,have…period. I didn’t say jealousy doesn’t exist.Everyone has had someone be jealous of them,you don’t need to be the prettiest girl or have a lot of money to experience this. I don’t understand why people see this as a flattery. I want people to be positive towards me,if they aren’t it’s their problem. Hating has NOTHING to do you the target and all to do with the person throwing the darts.

Taylor says:

July 8, 2009 at 10:50 pm

But you have to admit, some people do hate for no reason at all.

Birgit says:

July 9, 2009 at 11:12 pm

Start worrying when they STOP hating.

Goldangel says:

July 10, 2009 at 3:43 pm

I’ve had haters since high school because of my looks. I put in my time trying to understand, be sympathetic and take that extra step, but those days are long over and I stopped kissing ass when I was 13 years old. I stopped wasting time trying to be friends with females who were rude or hateful when I’d never done anything to them or said one bad word about them and only tried to be friendly or speak and say “Hi!” to them.

I was once naïve and idealistic and became horrified that women of color would do this to one another but there are tons of secure, well-adjusted, supportive and kind females in this world. I agree with the author about reaching out to other loving people and I learned that there is no need to waste time on haters b/c THEIR BATTLES ARE REALLY AND TRULY WITH THEMSELVES. I have several black American girlfriends as well as those of various other races and ethnicities. I know girls of all ethnicities can be hateful and endlessly shit-starting, and I am not generalizing or saying one defines all, but in my experience black American females (particularly those from lower economic classes) ARE THE WORST. Many of them are cowardly in that they can’t operate alone and love to gather their girls before ganging-up and their jealousy, gossiping, ugliness and mean ways are over the top and intensifies their unattractiveness. And unfortunately all of my black American girlfriends (who are NOT self-hating in the least) have had the same experiences and feel the same.

Once at a party this ‘hater’ decided to walk up to me and my groups of peeps then give her unsolicited opinion that b/c she and her co-goons all disliked me, then obviously the problem was moi as the common denominator. I’d seen them around but didn’t know this girl or her monkey-ass friends from a can of paint. Putting their greasy hands on me was not an option and they knew better that this was NOT that kind of party. So I told ‘hater’ and her co-goons, who thought I’d be scared or intimated b/c they were all coming at me at the same time, that the common denominator was the insecurity trait they all shared since misery loves company and that if I was ugly, fat, BDB-headed and walking around looking like a clown with fake hair attached to my scalp I’d hate me too.

Was I proud of saying that and other mean retorts that have come out my mouth?

No! They got laughed at and it sent them back to their cages or on their merry monkey way, but not at all. I was not raised to be cruel and trying to hurt someone by hurling ugly words to their faces FOR NO REASON is simply mean and the height of insecurity is putting someone else down to elevate one’s self. But I am human and at times get fed up, react and return a taste of their own medicine even though it puts a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I do that.

Something has got to be going on and a female has got to be hurting inside to be such a bully or so mean, judgmental and cruel to chicks who’ve done nothing to them. I really really really don’t want to add to their or anyone’s unhappiness but I get torn because I refuse to take anybody’s unsolicited shit.

Glennisha Morgan says:

July 10, 2009 at 7:03 pm

I can honestly say that I have been blessed to have really supportive, positive, and inspiring people cross my path. Now along the way I have ran into a few “haters” who have went out of their way to throw shade and try to bash me and everything that I’m trying to do. And When you have people who take a lot of time and effort to “hate” on you and send hatred your way just know that you are doing SOMETHING right… People like that aren’t happy with themselves as you’ve mentioned in this article….

Anyway, I love your pieces. It’s like I can hear your voice as I read each line and ad libs in parentheses. You need a radio show or something! :-)

Monica says:

July 10, 2009 at 10:24 pm

Call me a hater, but this “article” reads more like a blog entry. Not well written, but you make some strong points. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Linnen says:

July 10, 2009 at 10:44 pm

@birgit, Noooo, start to worry when you have utilized all your energy wondering how you can make a hater instead of living your life like its golden.

I think the black community is a bunch of paranoid people. We are the only one’s who talk about someone ‘hating’. Don’t get me wrong, there are people out there you don’t want to see you happy. Shhoo, homeless people get the same type of treatment. But to victimize yourself to say that everyone is hating on you? Com’mon.

I think it is what people who don’t like to be rejected tell themselves to make them feel better.

And people always say with a ‘cry me a river song’ oh, they hated on me because I was,’pretty, or, ‘had money’, but when so called ‘ugly’ people get talked about, then it is justified. Oh, so now they are not the one’s being hated on.

The world isn’t perfect, adjust and move on. No one has a cake-walk in the park!

Betty Chambers says:

July 17, 2009 at 9:41 am

I think it is cute that they are letting pre-teens write articles.

Why the excessive use of profanity though?

kat says:

July 19, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Cool article! Haters are just regular people that need extra positive reinforcement. I always feel sorrow for person who tries to bring them self up, by pulling others down. It’s sad and pathetic. I know it’s difficult not to hate a hater back, but that hater really needs a hug.

Question; what do you gain by being mean, nasty or jealous? Is it an instinct or is it a strategy?

ac says:

July 27, 2009 at 12:59 am

Thank you, everybody, for your comments (seriously, not being smart-mouthed here. This was an eye-opener for me. Sometimes, as a writer, you fail miserably to communicate what is really in your heart and head. You pick the wrong words, or put them in the wrong order and it all comes out…umm….WRONG! And, then you read peoples’ responses and realize how badly you said your “peace” because what you intended (love & healing between sisters) is not what’s happening at all. Today, I climbed a mountain (well, a really BIIIG hill, at least), and when I got to the top, I read from one of my favorite people…a poet named Dreaming Bear. He said, in 9 little lines, what I wanted and failed to say in this article. My bad, y’all. Anyway, here’s what I MEANT. I hope you understand…

“We’re all broken, just in different ways, & this is how we ment./ To care for the one who seeks to tear you down,/ to offer honest heartfelt prayers/ for the one who longs for your destruction/ to ask with all your being that they be blessed by the Great Oneness,/ & to know in the end that though they wounded you so deep/ that Love won’t then come & fill that wound/ with an overwhelming capacity for transformation of pan into beauty.” ~ Dreaming Bear (from “Dreaming-Bear Speaks”)