Not Enough for Himself
I recently ended a short relationship with a guy who was not living to his full potential. This guy is handsome, thoughtful, intimate, kind and very sexy. Brought me flowers and rubbed my feet. Kissed me passionately and knew my every move. Every time we were together, my attraction grew more and more but it suddenly began to fade once the infatuation wore off and reality kicked in. While in the process of my looking for a teaching position we began to spend almost every moment with each other. We were either out and about or lying around at my home talking. We have many things in common, our activities, our idiosyncrasies and some moments of our lives paralleled. He was into me as I he, and practically we were a couple. BUT there was something in me that would not allow myself to commit to him. He had no self-value and no matter how I tried to explain it to him, he felt I was attacking his manhood and demoralizing his character and he would turn the conversation into why we had not had sex.
When my infatuation began to fade, I began to listen to him talk and was perturbed when he said that he knows a lot of people with degrees and had not seen anything great come from them. I questioned him on his future goals—he replied I plan to buy a house and married with at least two kids in the next two years. This would have sent my spirits flying five years ago, but instead it raised an eyebrow. He said nothing of how he was going to pay for the house, the wedding, the children. I asked him about career goals and he in turn asked me to share my 5-10 year plan in order to get a few ideas about how to answer the question. Red flag. Among other incidents that occurred, it was clear this thirty-two year old man’s priorities were not in order. He was not taking care of his life business and it was showing through his insecurities, lack of motivation and extreme sensitivity. His weaknesses were beginning to show or maybe they were already there and I just thought they were cute.
I asked a few of my male friends about this guy’s potential and if I should be cautious of getting close to him. Each of them asked the same questions:
1. What happened in his last relationship? Why did they really split?
2. What is his social life? Who are his friends and what do they do?
3. What is his relationship with his mother?
I found out his last girlfriend gave him an ultimatum to get his life together, even if that meant moving back to his mother’s home, or she’d leave. She had been carrying the both of them for over a year because he made little to no attempt to find a job worth having.
I noticed that he had little to no friends. Maybe six to be exact and one in particular he belittled every chance he had. When I finally met the guy, it was evident that he was merely a self-esteem friend and nothing more than the guy my guy could feel good around. My lover didn’t seem to have a solid circle of friends to uplift him, support him or simply release the day to day stress. Instead he fed them lies of his stability, living big and perfect relationships; all which doesn’t leave any reason for questions.
As for his mother . . . he never talked about her so it’s tough to know exactly how their relationship is. He lived at home until 27 as the good son who takes care of the house and loves his mama and may not have been asked to do more than what was needed. Transfer that to a relationship and you have a yes man who does what’s needed to keep the woman happy and oblivious to the nothings he does in the rest of the world. A mama’s boy without the skills to survive out in the real world who finds a mate who’s just like moms to continue his lifestyle.
Then it dawned on me; where there is he, there are a million just like him. Black men who do not have goals, nor ideas as to what the hell they will be doing at forty or fifty years old. I fear being with a man who does not take care of himself and are too prideful to acknowledge it. It is these same men who will tell a women their long term goal is to marry and have kids and buy a house without mention of a career or financial backing believing it will suffice women. It’s insulting to women. I am not speaking of all Black men, I am speaking of the men who are one paycheck away from being on the street and don’t see anything wrong with it. The men who are in their thirties and beyond, able-bodied and healthy, who does not push themselves. These are men who are not sure of themselves, their wants and needs and don’t see anything wrong with living day to day. These are the men who are afraid of tomorrow and believes deeply that he’ll still be doing the same thing he’s doing today if he doesn’t do find what it is he wants to do. Sadly he doesn’t know what that is. These are the men who have a thousand and one skills that make him experienced in any entry-level position but lack the education or capability to take on a management role. These are the men who choose to just be instead of just doing it. Maybe it’s a lack of nurturing at a young age, parental issues, self-esteem issues or just plain careless, but these men are in denial of living. Putting fliers on freeways in the middle of the night and calling yourself an independent promotions consultant is an example of denial.
Fellas must have more than penis, sperm and a ring when they come knocking on doors nowadays, because women have not only the vajayjay, circus tricks and exceptional felatio, we have degrees (plural), homes, bank accounts—savings, checking, money-markets, 401K’s, cars, businesses, we have responsibilities to take care of and a lifestyle to maintain so its only natural that we require the same of potential mates. I love my beautiful Kings and embrace them in all of their glory, but my lover’s list specifically states he must have at least what I have or is in the process of getting that and more. It is unfortunate that he has all of the physical qualities and attributes I requested but does not see value in himself to be a man I want to invest my time in. I could blame society, but it’s his individual effort. He has to want more for himself. I refuse to settle for someone who treats me good and doesn’t believe he’s worth the same love.
Self-love is a key factor in relationships. I’ve learned from this experience that I love myself so much more than I did five years ago, hell last year. It’s important to have inner strength because it makes sure that you do not limit yourself, you don’t settle even when the playing field seems to be overwhelming. We’re over and yes I miss his touch, his conversation, I miss his companionship, but I know that I am stronger for not trying to force it to work. Maybe he’ll get it one day, maybe he won’t but either way I’m a stronger person, a stronger woman and I am ok with my inner works still being in progress. Piece by piece I grow closer to my view of perfection.
Don’t block your blessings and don’t forget to Barack the Vote!
I too was in a similar situation up until a year ago. My then partner of 10 years, yes 10 years!!! had issues regarding his self-progression and career development. This intensifed when I went to univesity and got my degree. He too was a wonderful & caring man but lacked in terms of wanting to do better for himself and our young family. Walking away after so many years was very hard on all of us, but I realised my own self-worth which meant leaving behind my true love to find self-happiness. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about taking control of your own path in life and living for today!
I’m glad you were able to get out of this relationship before it went any further. Those three questions are key to ask yourself. My ex, left his previous relationship by moving from that city and the girl was still calling when we met. He had NO real friends, just a co-worker and a step cousin. And his mother was non-existent, caught up in a divorce with her second husband, she may have called him once a week. Throughout his life she was caught up with some man. Still is. The real RED FLAG was when he told me his mom lived in the same neighborhood as me but he didn’t know what street she lived on or how to get to her house.
Too bad I didn’t recognize all of these things until after we had a child.
Wow. Sometimes you feel that you are the only one in a situation like that. Like the other 2 comments before me. I was with him for a long period of time (6 years) and now we have a child (not 1 yet). Thing is, I never really focused on those 3 questions, until after our child was born. I did ask those questions but chose to ignore them or rather not put enough emphasis on them. They really are important. And he did the same thing, you ask him goals, he wants a house and a family - he already had another child from a previous relationship - but according to him he hates the whole proverbial “baby daddy” idea. However, this man did nothing to really make sure they happened and was MAINTAINED. His reality about himself and life in general was really warped. For many men like this its all dreams and no substance. Does this mean they don’t have the potential? No. But its like after you hit 30 who wants to really sit around and wait for it to happen. There are plenty of other black men who know their self-worth and are trying to achieve the best.
I wish I would have read this article a few years ago but instead I am in the process of a divorce and spent most of my maariage trying to motivate him to excel.. We as black women must stop settling!
Real article. Females can get bamboozled easily if they don’t vet this stuff out in the beginning of the courtship.
This article is coming right on time. I just turned 29 and have been in a relationship with a man since May that I know isn’t go anywhere. I was just telling a girlfriend that I know I need to move on but it’s just not always easy.
I’m not sure why we stay around, especially when we know that we can do better.
As a woman with a degree and a well paying job, it truly shouldn’t be this difficult to find a “match”.
I guess I better keep looking because I’m certainly not getting any younger and my relationship doesn’t seem to be improving anytime soon.
Relationships are such a touchy subject; but this article was so well written that I had to comment. I too was in a six year dead end relationship where I saw nothing but potential instead of facing reality.
But I believe there are no mistakes. The lesson is that you live and you learn.
I’m now married to a wonderful man; but best believe that men; black men…still need to be poked and prodded to get beyond their comfort level. Especially when they are nice and nestled in the breast of your undulating love.
Independent Boy meets Independent Gurl is a myth for the most part. And I’m not even talking black relationships; I’m talking about this idea that men are going to be totally equipped with all the right tools before you meet him. That rarely ever happens cause usually behind every man is a great woman who has built him up. It’s either his mother, his sister, or his woman.
Whoo! I thought I was reading about myself for a moment. I was with someone that is just like the man you were discussing. It is so hard to be in a relationship when both people are having self-esteem issues. I was continually climbing to the top while he was stagnant. He never wanted me to go out because he always felt like I was going to find someone more suitable to take care of me. I grew tired of continually telling him I loved him even without the degrees or career goals. But I really realized there was an issue when I got my new job as a manager for a non-profit. He was not happy for me…I have know this man for almost four years and to have him act unhappy because I was growing career wise was crazy to me. I realized that I can not stop my light from burning because he has not even ignited his own. I am destined to do great things and if you can not step up and grow as a man then it’s time to let go.
Great article. For a minute I thought you were talking about my ex. LOL! Same age and everything but his mother passed away when he was really young. After a year of being with him and seeing that he wasn’t doing anything to succeed in life, nothing to better himself and seeing my brother {and my brother’s friends who are the same age as my ex} who had accomplished so much and was still progressing towards other goals… I just couldn’t see how this guy I was with wasn’t even half way there. It bothered me too much. Especially, to see that in our time together, he wasn’t trying at all. He was very intelligent and though he emotionally had a lot to offer, that alone could not nor would not sustain the relationship we had.
Sad thing… I always meet this same guy. It seems like no matter what they find me, they love me, they admire me for what I am doing in my life, but ‘they’ on the other hand never really change. I go through the whole “I shouldn’t judge him he is a human being and a man and needs my support” thing, but that is not enough. I set myself up for failure everytime thinking something will work out in the end when it’s been the same consistant thing for so long. How can I expect change? He gets comfortable with the fact that I don’t judge him and will love him anyway, that he doesn’t care to actually change anymore. He will only talk about it, and that’s whenever he feels like it. Eventually in our relationship I will notice either his jelousy towards me grow or his negativity towards himself grow or both. And everybody is against him, even me.
This is hard for a strong woman with a good heart. We feel torn between whats right for us and whats right for him. We feel like we shouln’t be alone so we work at it, we adapt and adjust. We even beat ourselves up because we are so confused and we dont really ‘know’ our man as well as we should. This is because he is still finding himself. I realized I CAN be there for a man. That is apart of the game. But I need my man to be there for ME as well. We need to meet somewhere in the middle.
Great article. dont fret ladies some of them get it… the rest will have to someday soon. But if not it will be there lost and we will have to go to the man that does… as long as it may take
Being able to look back at the situattion an see your own growth is worth the whirlwind of love/ lust and disappointment that came from this situation. I too have encountered this same black brother. It is unfortuanate that so much is done to decieve rather than live up to your true potential and just be who you claim to be. Good read Angel
Loya
BTW… Who is the sexy brother takin a shower? LOL
This article came right on time! I do not mean to flout my accomplishments, but I have several including maintaining a full scholarship, becoming the first student body president of my university of African descent, etc! I have been so blessed and raised by single-handedly by my father for most of my life! Many are the men who say everything we want to hear but do not actually DO what they should be doing! If you cannot be proactive in carving your future, who else will? I am too busy carving out mine… :-)
Amen to the author! I am passing this one. Keep the great reads coming!
Been there.
Done that.
Never again.
I have to echo what AroundHarlem said, I’m sure we’ve all been in this predicament and it’s good that u realized this early. Good article, great subject.
Good piece. A Lot true but you have to realize we are in this together. Men for ever in a day have been taking care of women for ever in a day. You women have made leaps and bounds but realize the glass celling over your head is not as low as a black mans. No one is. No excuses I have made it for myself married 8 years 5 kids and I kill myself to support them financially mentally emotionally. I am in management with no degree and cleared 73k last year as a commissioned based salesman. I am no baller but for me at 32 I have done right by myself I make more by myself than a 2 income family in most part of America.
I think more people should take responsibility for their decisions in who they choose to keep company with. You are just as much at fault as he because you did not see past your infatuation when making your decision. I would bet there was a suitable black male positioning you but you probably passed him up for the cool guy that turns out to be a nothing. I used to blame you black women. Which I feel most are gold diggers selfish with their hand out always wanting to know what I have accomplished as a man but besides these degrees have nothing to show for there empty degree holding lives. I realized it was the type of women I was keeping company with. It wasn’t the females fault they were nothing, it was my fault for messing with nothing females. I too was infatuated but these are decisions we make as these supposed more intelligent than the ones we down.
To end this RANT I would be willing to bet my left arm the reason you run into these type of dudes is your environment. I bet you that your close friends and family resemble exactly what you seem to despise. Change you environment get out of LA county I have noticed since I left there are a lot of good black people men and women it just seems most leave for a pursuit of a different style of life. Last but not least this is not a bash I have 4 daughters and respect your struggle without typing forever know we are in this struggle together SeEK THE POSITIVE NOT THE NEGETIVE. Always remember we have to put the past to the past and leave the finger pointing to the politicians. BLACK MEN AND WOMEN HAVE TO UPLIFT EACH OTHER.
X you have some excellent points. Seems once alot of black women get their degrees,and to the place they want to be in life, they tend to look down on our brothers, instead of trying to encourgae and uplift.
What a great article! There are some things we simply cannot ignore. . . even in the midst of lust/infatuation/like. I hold myself to the same standards that I expect the guys I date to meet, and I don’t really see anything wrong with that.
To X and Dissappointed…
Thank you for the comments. Where I met this guy was in the amongst successful people. The shared friend he and I have is extremely successful. The environment that I am in is comprised of a multitude of people who are either at the top of their game or on their way there so it’s not where I met him.
This guy, this individual, does not value himself or better yet does not push himself to his fullest potential. I have spoken with him recently just to see if I may have been hard on him and find that I wasn’t. I tried to “encourage and uplift” him but fact of the matter is, is he doesn’t see a problem or the issue with the things he does regarding his priorities. If I am taking care of business and working on my future be it school or working the standard 9-5, I want a man who is doing the same. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THAT! Black men or lazy men no matter what color they are use a woman’s success as an excuse to be mad because our success is reflection of their will do’s and wanna do’s that never got done and are piling up in the bullshit corner . The funny thing is with his ex, he said that ever since she passed her certification she started acting funny. Like she was all that because she was tired of carrying his ass because the 500 dollars made from side jobs was not covering it.
Are we acting funny or is he now feeling shitty because we’ve bust our asses for umpt number of years to finish our programs while he been doing bs side jobs to make ends meet because he won’t find something that benefits him and his own life.
I LOVE my BLACK men and I do believe that we are unit, (A UNIT - AN EQUAL OF TWO BECOMING ONE)but there comes a time when a man has to be a man and grow up. At 32, you should be taking life seriously and working on what you are going to do at 40, 50, 60. Not still trying to pay rent when you only been paying half the rent for the last year and a half. You should have something saved up. It’s called SAFETY Its called responsibility and if he or any other males don’t have them or neglect them and insist on making me feel bad because of his faults and life issues then you’re right I won’t support or give any of myself to them because they don’t deserve me or any other Queen no matter what race you are.
Thank you, god bless and good night. : )
Interesting topic that I recently had with a guy im dating.. Im 25, beautiful, single, and educated. Men that I meet are often intimidated with my tangible possessions and want to “gal” me ASAP! Definite turn off!! It is unfortunate that most of our selection pool is behind bars but its the reality we live in and the reason why so many black women settle. My bar is pretty high when it comes to partner material. A man does not have to be a degree holder but at least have some substance in conversation and life in general. Angers me when guys who they themselves know are not on my level yet they still try to holla! Considering the fact that @ least 60% of marriages end in divorce due to finances I am not interested in the low colla brother. Black men are indeed at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to jobs and promotions but thats where self reliance comes in. Be creative in generating additional income and stop complaining of how bad you have it.
Great article Angel! I’m glad you touched on this common yet silent issue. Just think if every woman was to raise their standards like this..how different the men will be in this world..black or white!
This article came right on time today. I’m a few weeks from being married for 10 years to a man who’s never been motivated to do anything more than live for the day. When I think over the comments read here I recognize that the signs have been there all along and I ignored them for one reason or another. Ten years ago I was in college and working full time, owned a home, and established. The one thing I didn’t have was love and was out of the dating game for at least 2 years. I guess you can say that I wanted it all. Today I wished I would have waited just a little while longer. This man came into my life and was sweet, funny, made me feel like I was THE one. After 6 months we were married. It was a struggle from the very beginning. Trying to finish college, changing majors, changing jobs a few time to keep the same income (this is me). Although we were both young ( at the time I was 26, he 24) and had to learn what it truly meant to be in this partnership and make compromises, what was really required to set the foundation for a successful marriage was never there. The first 3-4 years saw him going from job to job every couple of months. Each time I’m still trying to be encouraging asking him to really think about what he wants to do with himself. Once he remedied that job situation, the infidelity started in. I never had a problem with him not being college educated and even told him that as long as he keeps some type of employment we would make it work. I knew my husband was good with his hand and could anything he set his mind too. I’ve watched him go thru taking a trade to better his chances of changing employment two years in a row only to not finish and decided he didn’t want to do this kind of work after all (althought he started out very enthusiastic about it and many in his family are successful in this field, the end result was he was only thinking about the money and not the long term career investment). It seems every year for at least the last 4 we find ourselves separated because (as he puts it) he’s not happy with this life and doesn’t really know what he wants. Each time after some time and tension he tells me he does know what he wants and it’s me and our life, I take him back, try to work through it and we start to live out lives again. This has become a pattern that now is so old it’s unreal. Each time this has happen he tells me the usual he’s stupid, he’s sorry, his parents didn’t give him enough attention as a child, he was always the ugly kid in school, he’s weak, he’s imperfect, you name it and then he turns around and tells me he loves me and wants to change and to just have faith in him. Then I dig in work thru my feelings as best I can and just when I’m ready to let my guard down again, we are back here. To date that I know of there have been as many women as the years we’ve been married…Well the last time was last week when I found out that the latest female he’s cheated on me with he had continued to see and lied about it. How can a man who irons my clothes, sews my missing buttons back on, ties my Nike’s after I’m dressed, holds my hand while walking around across the street, snuggles me so tight at night, tells complete strangers how much he loves his wife so much, and hold my face in his hands and profess the deepest love to me, actually not feel that way at all? I’ll tell you how. It’s a routine he learns to keep you. This type of man views life as a game and women as a means to an end. What he really wants is the newest chic with the largest breasts and biggest butt to bed when he feels the need because this is what he considers “the real life”. Not someone who takes care of his home, building businesses so that they can have a secure future and something to pass on to our children. I recognize that he did all these things because he knew that I wanted them and he wanted to pacify me. And the deceit he’s been showing me really are his true colors and I need to pay attention and move on with my divorce proceedings. My heart and my mind can say that I truly don’t want him anymore and I need to stop inviting this pain into my life and that I will be much better off without him. But how do I stop mourning the marriage I thought I had? What about this man that I love that apparently only existed in my mind? Sisters and brothers take a lesson from me. Never at anytime settle for being with someone who cannot match what you are bringing to the table. If you sit down and have a conversation with someone who you are considering getting into a relationship and you run down you goals for the future and they don’t share with you dreams that are outlined in color walk away. This person does not deserve your love and your efforts. This will save you much time and heartache later. Real love while not perfect will not be this much work. It just is. Real love is built on respect for yourself as well as your partner. It means keeping your word and not hiding behind excuses why you don’t give what you get in a relationship. It involves two people working toward the same goals and while occasionally one may fall and the other has to pick that one up it will not forever be that way because it will be reciprocated. This article was very well written has given me a lot to reflect on while my heart and my mind heals. When I think about the possibility of love again I will definitely keep everyone’s points in mind and learn from my own mistakes next time around.
you are what you attract.