Feature

Put a Ring on It, Already!

Monday May 25, 2009 – By Janelle Harris

How long is too long to wait for a marriage proposal?

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For the past few years, I’ve quietly anticipated the same item on every gift-giving holiday: an engagement ring from Aleem, my wonderful, on-again-off-again-because-he’s-so-slow-to-commit boyfriend of six years. Six long years. Six long, proposal-free years. As part of my pre-Christmas and Valentine’s Day rituals, I’ve made sure my nails were done so I could set off my rock with a well-manicured hand. So far, he’s made presents of a leather jacket, a laptop, countless pairs of shoes and sneakers, and a DVD player, but that elusive velvet box has yet to cross my hot little hand. So I waited.

Even though he was a good father figure for my daughter and an honorary member of the Harris clan, the frustration of being habitually unengaged started to wear on my self-esteem. What about me was so unmarriable? How could I manage to let so much time fly by without demanding that this man make a decision about our relationship? To put it bluntly, I ain’t 21 anymore. In fact, 30 is pulling into my driveway and getting ready to knock on the front door like a bad blind date. Six years is a lot of emotion and experiences gone down the tubes if we never take those steps down the aisle, but being encouraged by personal testimonies on “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway” was borderline pitiful. Once upon a time, I fell in love with a man who seemed like he was handpicked for me by God. After being given so much time to think, I wondered if this couple was going to live happily ever after or if the noble heroine was destined to die an old maiden.

I don’t know if I should be relieved or disappointed that I’m not alone. But 31-year-old Mahogany is in the waiting game, too. She met her man, Jason, through a mutual friend eight years ago and they’ve been a couple ever since.

“I guess in the last year it became an issue for me because we were both kind of damaged when we got together,” Mahogany admits, “but after three or four years, it was like, ‘OK, what are we really doing here?’”

On one hand, she has a partner who supports her and cares for her child like his own. But on the flipside, she’s concerned about his aversion to taking those vows. Right now, marriage is something even she is a little uncertain about, but it’s an option that Mahogany definitely wants to have. “I’ve told him, ‘I will stay until I’m not happy. And whenever it comes to that, I’m not going to beg anybody for anything.’ But I haven’t reached the point yet where I say, ‘this isn’t enough for me. I need more.’”

More is just what sistas who want to take that walk down the aisle should be expecting, says psychologist and author of Confessions of an Ex-Bachelor, Dr. William July. What he calls “frozen relationships” is the arrested development of otherwise good couples. It’s a vortex of hope that sucks women in time and time again. Because men see relationships as mini-business transactions, Dr. July says ladies have to come with a strategy if their goal is marriage. “The problem with so many relationships where people want a commitment is that they’ve already given everything away that would be of potential benefit,” he shares. “You don’t have to get married today to have kids. You don’t have to get married today to have sex. You don’t have to get married today to share bank accounts. Where’s the benefit?” According to Dr. July, brothers are still wondering why they have to buy the cow if the milk is free from sistas—like me—who are willing to let it flow.

So a few months ago, I broke ties with Aleem the marathon man. It was like the good Lord put me in a chokehold and made me take realistic stock of the situation I was banking my future on. The possibility of marriage, like my faith in the relationship, was fading fast. Statistics show that after five years, the chances of getting a ring—without the use of firearms or gunplay—are slim to none. Between my frustrated outbursts, I realized that I needed to evaluate my good qualities as a reason to leave instead of using his as a reason to stay.

This wave of self-empowerment hasn’t been fast in coming, obviously. And I have to admit, when I see what’s waiting for me out here on the singles circuit after a six-year hiatus, I find myself somewhere between discouragement and sheer fright, depending on who’s hit on me that particular day. But I have to believe that God wants better for me than to be someone’s Guinness Book girlfriend. I have to want that for myself, too, and after investing so much hope into a hopeless relationship, I can finally say those two magical words I’ve been waiting so long to say— I do.

SE7EN says:

May 25, 2009 at 9:15 am

The simplest concepts are overlooked! I never stopped to realize that he was reaping all of the benefits without being obligated to a commitment. It’s almost like fattening the calf for the next person. Thanks for this piece… It is definitely a wake up call for me.

↑ Reply

Tj says:

May 25, 2009 at 1:12 pm

How long is too long???

1.5-2 years. If a man doesn’t know if he want’s to spend the rest of his life with me around that time then I’m out. I will never understand how woman will spend 5 years with a man and never wonder where the hell the ring is, that is if that’s your goal to get married.

Eve says:

May 25, 2009 at 5:07 pm

I suggest you read Steve Harvey’s new book. At the moment, there is extra hype around it, but it definitely sheds light on the male perspective. And one reason he gives for this situation in particular is that women don’t make their standards clear in the very beginning. Rather, we sit, wait, and hope that the men in our lives will come around. If you want to get married, that has to be known from jump. And after you get the ring, if he FINALLY gets his mind right and proposes, don’t sit around waiting for him to set the date. Go ahead and do that. We become so complacent with where we are and are so afraid to lose our men because let’s be honest – the male to female ratio in this world is extremely slim, and horrifying to consider when thinking of Black males to Black females. Nonetheless, I urge that you get out of your comfort zone and if he really wants you, he’ll get it together. God doesn’t want you to be anyone’s “marathon girlfriend”. You make the choice.

simplynia says:

May 25, 2009 at 11:09 pm

Gosh is this article something I needed to read. It is so hard to hear that we are giving the milk away…It’s hard to consider that when we’ve been with someone so long…So I guess my daughter’s father isn’t going to marry me huh? SMH…If I could only pull myself away.

Lilia says:

May 26, 2009 at 4:27 am

This is really scary. My worst nightmare is breaking it off and having him marry the next chick in close to under three weeks. It happens, I think as women we do need to set that timeline.

LaKeyshaF says:

May 26, 2009 at 9:33 am

I have to say that we come full circle. Many people love to talk about how archaic and unrealistic the Bible is but I truly believe that doing it God’s way is best. Dr. July and Steve Harvey have said nothing different from what the word of God says…why pay for the cow if the milk is free? The Bible says that Marriage comes BEFORE sex, living together, children, shared bank accounts etc. (but don’t forget that there is no condemnation in Jesus so if you have done any of these-cuz I have-then forgiveness and redemption is yours for the asking).

Men continue to live up to our lowerd expectations. We think giving them our bodies will keep them, having their children will keep them, or a plethora of other offerings that we should be reserving for our husbands will keep them interested in us. But men will continue to reap the benefits of having a wife without being a husband as long as WE allow them to.

When I met my husband I let him know that I had marriage on my mind. He also told me that he was looking for a wife (we were in our early 20’s). I also let him know (because I was in his state to finsih grad school) that I would not hesitate to go back home to Wisconsin if we were not at least engaged by the time i graduated. Two years later we were married. I did not try to force him to do anything but I was not about to waste years loving someone who had no intentions of making a permanant committment and i let him know that i would not be hanging around. I believe that you know within a few months if you would marry someone so whats the point of waiting so long?

May 26, 2009 at 9:37 am

FYI-
my husband and I talked about our views on marriage early on but only when we became exclusive did I let him know that without a pemanant committment I would return home after school, just so he knew what to expect and that there would be no long distance relationship. It either became pemanant or it ended at graduation. I made it sound like I was some crazy lady who said that the first day we met.lol.

Laquita says:

May 26, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Great post – I agree with the ladies in stating what you want upfront marriage, kids, financial goals etc…

nicolemiles says:

May 26, 2009 at 2:55 pm

very insightful – well said Jenelle!

BlackandmarriedwithKids says:

May 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Great article and congratulations to you. What people fail to realize is that you could be blocking the blessing of who God really has in store for you while you’re going through the motions with someone who has no intent on making you his wife. If marriage is what you want have that discussion and don’t be afraid of the outcome. What is worse – having the talk and breaking up upfront or figuring out after 10 years that you wasted your time waiting for something that was never going to happen?

We did a similar post you can check out here on how long is too long to date from a male and female perspective:

http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2007/12/27/got-marriage-how-long-is-too-long-to-date/

Get Togetha says:

May 27, 2009 at 12:58 pm

A woman has to be confident in herself to understand her worth. This takes work and lot of women aren’t willing to put in the work to become their own #1 . If you want to get married I agree with TJ. Two years is long enough for a man to know whether he can see himself with you for the rest of your life. If he’s not sure then more than likely he’s just not sure your the one for him. Which is great! Cause then you know the truth about where you stand and keep it moving. And this is where true confidence comes in…you know your worth, you believe in a higher power, and you know like you know like you know that everything happens for a reason.

Holding on to a love that’s not meant for you is time wasted.

Childfree Sexpot says:

May 27, 2009 at 1:30 pm

This post sort of made me sad. Admittedly I am a thankfully single girl not even remotely interested in marriage so maybe I’m biased. But it pains me to see women hurting for a ring. I can’t tell you how much information I’ve read about the beneits of marriage- TO MEN!

Married men live an average of seven years longer than their single counterparts and are in better health, married men report higher levels of happiness than their single counterparts AND married women, married men are more likely than married women to report that their spouse is their best friend (probably because women have closer emotional bonds with other women?), married men make MAKE MORE MONEY. Ugh it kills me LOL!

The last study I read stated that married women live an average of 2 years longer than single women, but other than that, no similar benefits for women have been proven. As far as health goes, married women are shown not to benefit from any marriage that isn’t a “happy” marriage (women in unhappy marriages actually have more health problems and more instances of heart related illnesses), while men experience health benefits from mariage IN ANY FORM – happy or unhappy.

Also the fact still remains that two-thirds of the divorces in this country are filed by women. Almost 70%!

Knowing all of this, basic common sense tells me that MEN should be the ones beating down the doors of WOMEN in desperate need of marriage…after all, study after study indicates that their lives are more enriched by this union than ours and it manifests itself in their health, their life spans, and even their incomes.

All I can say is…ladies, know your worth.

*sigh*

May 27, 2009 at 2:51 pm

@Childfree Sexpot- don’t forget the third part of the equation that research has been done on… Children! Here are a few of the findings.

* Kids of married parents do better in school
* Kids of married parents do better economically
* Kids of married parents are more likely to have long-lasting marriages
* Boys raised by married parents are less likely to commit crimes.

Men may benefit more as you detailed above because of better choices in lifestyle and health after marriage but I just didn’t want the fact that women benefit as well to escape someone when they read your comment.

xon says:

May 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm

I’m a man who got caught up on the other side of all this. Found a wonderful woman who was a little older and ready long before I was to take that next step. I eventually ended it, partly because I felt like things were moving faster than I was ready and I really felt like I was holding her back a little. You hope something like that would work out in the future when both people are ready and if both are still available. But sometimes, even when two people are perfect for each other, being in different stages of life can make it hard to progress.

May 27, 2009 at 3:27 pm

@ Black and married with kids- As a woman with no children and no desire for children, I can definitely acknowledge that I am not the best source of info with regard to anything child related, :-) It’s just not on my radar the way feminist and women’s issues are. However I DO think it’s great that you brought those facts to our attention. My own parents were married for the first 17 years of my life and I know how much that shaped my development for the better.

You stating those facts though almost made me even sadder though, because I have to wonder how many women with children are longing to have this commitment for the sake of their kids while the men in their lives have their heads buried in the sand as to the myriad of ways marriage will enrich HIS life as well as his children’s lives. I can’t lie- even knowing this, it pains me that women are seemingly alone in longing for this union when their children and their men will benefit from it more than they likely ever will.

Clearly I don’t see any solution to that problem and I do realize that if you are a parent, you have to put the interest of your children ahead of your own, and many women STAY married solely for this reason. Still, knowing that almost 70% of married women are the ones rushing to exit from these unions indicates that something is very unwell for women with regard to the institution marriage. Of course children benefiting from marriage is a great thing, but as a feminist and “pro-woman” woman I can’t stop myself from wishing women reaped more of a benefit as well.

Candy says:

May 27, 2009 at 5:36 pm

Good for you!

My mom has been in a relationship with a guy on and off for nearly eight years. Speaking as a daughter of a mother in an dead end relationship, I think you made the right choice. Because as your daughter gets older she may start to feel the same frustration that you are feeling and even more. Every time my mom comes home I think that she is going to come home with a ring and she never does. It used to bother me. I’m like “What are you doing?! He is never going to marry you! Wake up!” But have to realize that that it is her business, not mine and hopefully one day she will figure it out. And if she doesn’t,oh well, its her life and her choices.

But I digress. I think that sometimes in life it is easier to do what is easy than to do what is necessary. I’m glad you choose to do what is necessary!

Brandy says:

May 28, 2009 at 11:19 am

This article is long overdue and I can appreciate the author’s honesty about what can be an embarrassing situation. I think that younger ppl in their 20s should wait a few years to establish themselves and learn about eachother as they grow before committing to marriage, but once you are in your 30s, I think a year or so is long enough to know whether or not someone is marriage material. People also have to remember that the key to happiness is not always found in a ring. If your life is in shambles before the wedding, it’s not going to automatically change. I think that’s where alot of people mess up. They think that marriage makes their life complete when it doesn’t. And just because you have a child with a man doesn’t mean you need to stay with him. There are good father figures out there.

Know what you want, make it known early in the relationship, and don’t be a long term fool, but also be sure to work on YOU before you evolve to WE.

bougiebella says:

May 29, 2009 at 8:09 am

I just have a question. I’m 21 and a senior in college. Me and my boyfriend have been dating a little over a year. How long should we wait to get married? Would it be strange if we got engaged right out of college? Also he’s from Bermuda and I’m from the U.S would it be stupid to look for a job in bermuda?

Thanks for the help

Ebony says:

May 30, 2009 at 8:38 pm

I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years also, no breaks. My boyfriend wants to get married and have children, but he says he’s waiting on me–the fact that I demand a ring is holding him back, he says. Yes I have a faithful black man who spoils me with attention and time, is always there for me, and ready to commit, yet I remain unconvinced that we are ready for marriage or will ever be.

Well the other day I was presented with a beautiful engagement ring. It was put on my finger for me to admire,then taken off, and given back to the owner who came to meet him and I at his job. The purpose was to look at what I’d be missing out on if I don’t remain patient (for him to get a 2nd job to buy it). But to me this signifies so many underlying things in our relationship, for me to always wait on him and settle for hand-me-downs at that.

On the surface he is a sweet, generous, God-fearing man, but beneath it all its been a 6 year struggle to get me to compromise everything I believe in, including my dreams and self-respect, in order to be more realistic to settle for the life that he intends for us. I support him in anything he does, but I refuse to hang on to his dreams and promises, I’ve always kept my own to myself as to not become crippled. First it was to wait on his football dreams that never went past high school, I went to college anyway and graduated. Now it’s his rap career, yet I still insist on no kids until marriage and financial stability.

Am I so wrong for wanting more? For thinking that we’ve both got some growing up to do? Am I wrong for realizing that love alone cannot sustain a healthy relationship? I’m over hanging on to all these years. I’m ready to move on and I told him this. But he wants to buy more time to prove that he can be the man that I want him to be, so I’m doing what I’ve always done once more, waiting.

Nikia says:

May 31, 2009 at 11:05 am

I agree ppl should let their expectations be known from jump….however I personally don’t like to tell someone what it too long because it varies per person, per relationship….In my opinion over 5 years is only acceptable if ur were HS sweethearts and hittin the 5 year mark at 21/22, esp if your’re in school & trying to find yourself…Every young person isn’t mature enough for marriage…(although some are, I know a few who married at 19 and going strong well into their mid/late twenties)…I also know there ARE ppl who dont have marriage as the ending agenda…there are some ppl who prefer to live in the moment and just “BE”…I am one of those ppl….every man I meet, I dont harp on whether he’s the one….there are some ppl who want to just focus on being happy as a couple without thinking about next steps that society pressures us for within certain time frames….and I find nothing wrong with it if that’s how BOTH individuals feel…BUT soon as one feels it’s time, they need to have a heartfelt discussion about it and THEN if they feel their time is being wasted, they should move on….at that point, I can understand a person saying “you’ve been in a relationship for too long not to be married”….it’s all about ppl being on the same page…if one of you wants marriage, then you should not invest so many years of your life with a person who isnt ready or on that level….at the same time if you run across a couple who been together for half a decade but who BOTH truly are content with their status then let that couple be….

May 31, 2009 at 11:13 am

I totally agree w/Brandy & I also want to add that just because you part with someone after kid(s), it does not mean the kids will not have a father figure…you may be single, but it doesnt mean you will raise that child by yourself….ppl are still capable of being good parents and providing for their child whether together or seperated….