Feature

Sistas Stop It!

Monday Jun 1, 2009 – By Alaina L. Lewis

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Ladies, listen up! Now come in a little closer to your computer screen. Open up your mind for a minute… now hear me out. Sista, STOP IT!

Now as I shout this statement between my ever calm keystrokes, I’m hoping to generate the same cataclysmic effect, as if I were standing in front of you prepared to drop a verbal a-bomb.

When some people think of women, they generally tend to go with the same ridiculous ideologies; fragile, docile, weak, fit to only be housewives, and so on and on. Now when you throw in the word “Black” to that statement and ask a few folks what dances around in their minds, you unearth a completely different set of stereotypes: Ghetto. Unintelligent. Bad attitude. And on and on.

Now you know as well as I do, we are not defined or committed to any labels brought about by the hypocrisy of others.

We didn’t come this far by caring about what everyone else thinks about us; we think highly enough of ourselves. We march to our own drum and think to our own beat. But no sooner since the day we began heading down that trail of independence, along the way towards salvation, we forgot one important principal. Our life may not depend on how the world sees or treats us, but how we see and treat ourselves.

Now I know you understand where I’m coming from already. Everyone reading this is intelligent and filled to the brim with mass opinion – and I’m certain a few of you will share those waking thoughts. But even with an aptitude for understanding and an inherent ability to try and show a world that wronged us a tiny bit of grace, when it comes to how we treat each other in the sisterhood, sometimes that logic never makes it past the surface of ourselves.

As I comb through the comments on Clutch, ride the city bus on my way to work in the morning, post up the bar at a local night club, or chill in the corner reading my book at a Barnes and Noble, the story seemingly remains the same: Sistas can be vicious when it comes to how they treat other Sistas.

My question is, why?

Now before everyone begins to think that I’m generalizing, and throwing the entire Sistahood in this categorized philosophy, I understand completely that it’s not all of us that run amuck with a ‘take no prisoners attitude,’ but this crucial train of thought does dance between a few.

I’m privy to the rule that we Sistas have to be Strong Black Women in order to exist and maintain our sanity, but being impervious shouldn’t depart from having a loving and proper attitude towards our own in any setting.

When we argue, we throw venom and when we fight we bring our Vaseline. Every open discussion we have with one another whether it’s in the street, on the phone or online in a forum, shouldn’t start out on an even keel and then end in destruction. And what are we so mad about anyway, someone else’s opinion about natural hair or Kim Kardashian? People are going to do what they do no matter how much you try to persuade them. I think we should be more concerned with North Korea being in possession of nuclear warheads. That’s a more explosive topic than feeling the need to drop bombs from behind a keypad. So I ask you, what’s really relevant?

Let me repeat myself… Sista, Stop It.

It’s one thing to have a gentle debate, but why does every discussion have to lead up to a shower of insults? Most people welcome new ideas in a general conversation. Part of what makes us unique is the fact that we don’t follow mass opinion, we bring our own beliefs to the forefront. But unfortunately some of us Sistas neglect to play fair and enjoy the idea of arguing. Instead of agreeing to disagree or allowing others to remain locked in their ideas (whether ridiculous or not), we put the gloves down in a fair boxing match and begin biting ears in an attempt to reenact a verbal Holyfield/Tyson fight. A sign of losing, if I do jest.

The cattiness between us is not a beautiful disaster; it’s an intruding nightmare, and I think it’s time we wake up.

These below the belt shots about our Sista’s intelligence, weight, aptitude, skin color, her natural hair vs. her relaxed tresses, her education or lack thereof, does nothing to actually get your original point across, rather it brings you closer to fitting the stereotype of the Black Woman as some of the world sees us.

Remember, there’s beauty in being indefinable.

As the old saying goes, ‘you catch more flies with honey.’ Do any of us really think the world is listening when we stand on our soapbox and gratuitously insult one another? Doubtful. But for some strange reason, like the worst horn resounding, most of us continue to press our lips to the brass and blow, even after the same statement has been made 15 times before us. Can you hear me now? Yes, I gathered your point the first time you said it, now I’ve just decided to stop listening.

Because we rock so many redeeming qualities, I know we can do better within the Sisterhood instead of spending our afternoons putting each other down or going well out of our way to attack one another.

When I think of the term, “Ladies First,” that men use to exhibit their traditional manners, I think it’s a clever ideology we should adopt as our own. We should learn to put each other’s feelings first before we rise to our traditional occasion and interact carelessly with one another. A Ladies First mentality will go a long way.

Ladies, let’s learn to fight fair within our discussions, and not put one another down. Let’s learn to agree to disagree and allow our counterparts the right to their own opinion. Let’s learn to embrace our Sistahood, no matter the shade, the race, or the person. Let’s learn to just be and let things be, because not only are we losing a war with the world for respect, we’re losing the respect we are supposed to have for ourselves. Get it together ladies. The world isn’t going to stop to hear your thunderous cry about superficial matters, but they will pause the moment you weep with a song of relevance and sincerity.

..and before you start bringing any negativity to this positive article, please refer to the beginning and reread this piece again. Can you hear me now?

nicolemiles says:

June 1, 2009 at 1:38 am

Well said Alaina. I couldn’t agree with you more.

↑ Reply

Carmen says:

June 1, 2009 at 8:23 am

Great article! This is true on so many levels, I know I have been guilty of this in the past. But as I get older, I am asking God to help me be more loving towards my sistas and all people in general.

Laquita says:

June 1, 2009 at 8:46 am

Well said :o)

Tricia Mickens says:

June 1, 2009 at 9:08 am

I couldn’t agree more; I’m totally posting this article on my facebook page.

Alivia says:

June 1, 2009 at 9:26 am

Amen!

Ananda Leeke says:

June 1, 2009 at 10:48 am

Wonderful wisdom for a new month and Monday morning. Happy June all!

Royal K. says:

June 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm

Chile I think some people are just unhappy with themselves in general and have envious spirits about them.
I personally give a certain amount of respect to everyone, while knowing everyone is not my friend and or required to be. LOL.
I don’t mean mug or give ice grills either cause the next woman is Fly pretty or whateva, my motto is ROCK ON and the be the best you!

kirah says:

June 1, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Let the church say… Amen. I sincerely hope you will be heard.

Lady Kinnks says:

June 1, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Mikki says:

June 1, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Excellent! I have this conversation with my friends all the time. I personally try to treat everyone with the mindset “I see God in you”. Makes me feel great, and usually has the same effect on the receiving person!

ceecee says:

June 1, 2009 at 3:12 pm

it has gotten ugly here over a few articles which is a shame because there are some very insightful points that have gotten lost in the scuffle.

keke says:

June 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm

I can understand the point of this article and the meaning. Keep in mind that I am not generalizing here but I think a lot of that hostility stems from some people just not knowing how to debate issues. I have noticed that a lot of times when we debate or discuss things, the person who is the loudest, or throws the most insults is most of the time deemed the “winner” of the debate or argument. While the person who keeps there cool is sometimes looked at as “gettin played” or the “loser”. So we tend to reward being loud and overly emotional even if the overall point doesn’t make sense in the terms of the actual disagreement. Then when we step outside of our community, sometimes we don’t turn that emotion off….and it gets way too heated. But no one wins when all of the personal jabs and hostility is thrown out…the point ends up lost.

Anonchick says:

June 1, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Having worked in environments dominated by women (one primarily White, another primarily Black) I submit that Black women are no more catty towards each other than women of other races. I’ve been called “skinny bitch” by White and Black women alike (I’m Black). Perhaps one reason is that women are naturally competitive it seems. For some reason, being a “lady” is not equated with competition so women pretend they are not competitive when they really are. Is this a biological imperative or behavior imposed by societal expectations and standards? I would say a bit of both. I suppose you have to be competitive to a degree especially as we grow into adulthood and the dating pool shrinks. The difference is Black women are more often fighting over scraps so maybe we are a bit more fierce in our battle for the men (who we also compete with women of other races for, while they cannot say the same), and jobs. It’s like comparing a fight over a full plate of food and a fight over the last piece of food. It’s all ugly, but one struggle is definitely uglier.
Nevertheless, we should not let our condition rule us so I’m always friendly with other women until they give me a reason not to be.

Chai says:

June 1, 2009 at 4:33 pm

BRAV-A!!! Each and everytime I bring this topic up with friends, they shrug it off as if this ‘problem’ is beyond our scope to repair. It’s frustrating, but it does begin with each and every woman who reads this article, those who choose to comment, those who don’t…If you don’t know where to start…begin with a genuine smile…simple yet effective!

styleosophy says:

June 1, 2009 at 6:27 pm

I agree with the article. Well said, well articulated.

Question for Anonchick: why do you feel the need to be competitive towards other women over men? Most men would not ever make that statement about a woman. I am trying to understand your vantage point. (Just trying to understand your thoughts around the subject a bit more, not trying to start anything.)

Janell Necole says:

June 1, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Damn, I applaud Clutch for posting this. It means you actually read the comments on the discussion boards, which can be tedious.
It’s important that we (black women) keep it classy, which Clutch has always done and that’s why I keep coming back.

Drew says:

June 1, 2009 at 9:08 pm

I GONNA HAVE TO AGREE, DID YOU SEE SOME OF THE COMMENTS ON THAT 15 REASONS PEOPLE HATE BEYONCE, PEOPLE WERE UNINTELLIGENT AND STRAIGHT UP GHETTO.

Alicia says:

June 1, 2009 at 10:07 pm

*rousing applause*

It hurts me to read some of the commentary here (of course, it’s no fault of Clutch). People can be straight up ignorant when denigrating others without care about how ridiculous they come off. It’s saddening. I truly hope this site isn’t judged on the visceral responses that the articles can ignite.

I’m all for freedom of expression, but damn. Sometimes I just have to shake my head and ask “why?”

Alaina says:

June 1, 2009 at 10:10 pm

Preach on ladies!

jb says:

June 2, 2009 at 12:00 am

Wow this article and the “What Attitude” article are amazing! They make me want to write, analyze myself and see where my head is at. It makes me cringe that black women can hate on each other so much and so easily. And I really want to get past it (not saying that I’m perpetually hating on sistas, I want to get past the reaction to the initial action of hating). Things get so ugly and out of control, and as humans we can build situations up in our heads that have nothing to do with anything…we just think that because a person has an attitude with us one day, they actually hate us for whatever reason. It’s sad and unnecessary. I sincerely hope that we all learn to treat other women with the “I see God in you” respect that Mikki (above) mentioned. What a great way to look at and treat another person.

LaKeyshaF says:

June 2, 2009 at 9:04 am

If we would all just do what the Bible says and treat our neighbors as ourselves…

June 2, 2009 at 9:11 am

@ styleosophy

I’M not competitive with other women, but I feel that MOST women are competitive with others (basically because they’re insecure for various reasons, be it poor self-image, or fighting over men or professional positions). I wasn’t speaking for myself, but I use the terms “we” and “us” when referring to Black women in general because I am a Black woman myself, so I can see how the wording of my comment could be misconstrued.

Patricia Grannum says:

June 2, 2009 at 11:21 am

I think some women have certain insecurities about themselves that causes them to lash out sometimes. Some people also feel that the world is against them when really it’s not. I don’t think that this is specific to black women as anon chick has said. We just seem to get the bad press. I wonder why?

June 2, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Its amusing to me that folk actaully think other races of women don’t act just as jealous or haterific and/or are just as coniving and backstabbing…chile they are worse!!!
Its not just sisters, folk with envious mean spirits can be found in any human, regardless of race, class, socio-economic status, nationality etc etc etc

The thing I can say about MOST sisters, when they don’t care for you or are just plain indifferent, most are very honest about that!!!!

Cdubb says:

June 2, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Great article…and comments!! IMO some women try to check another’s attitude when they really need to check their own. If they did that, minor issues wouldn’t escalate into major battles.

MCT says:

June 2, 2009 at 3:15 pm

Preach on! I was scanning the site and was surprised at the bile bubbling up on some of the topics. Then again, I’m old school Southern and was taught that there is never any good reason to be rude or raise your voice… not that I’ve always followed that doctrine, just what I was taught. It’s my hope that everyone learns how to express themselves and get their opinions across without spewing hate to the left and the right.

ibreathefashion says:

June 2, 2009 at 4:14 pm

I agree with the commentors pointing out that women of all races can be, and often are, quite competitive, cantankerous and catty towards one another. I also agree that black women, particularly on this site, arent even a quarter as vicious as women are in both real life and on other web sites. It’s common behavior among all women so I dont think its unfair to gang-up on one group being worse than another on this topic.
.
I mean, really, has anyone ever been to Lipstick Alley, The Fashion Spot or even read the comments on gossip sites like TMZ and Perez Hilton??? Talk about off-topic character-bashing and verbal blades meant to kill! Hell, despite the fact there tend to be more women than men of all ethnicities on those sites, there you have both genders ready to chop your head off and serve it on a platter just to wait for you to comment again so they can serve you up rare for a second round only an hour later!

June 2, 2009 at 4:16 pm

accidental typo- *i think IT IS unfair to gang-up on one group being worse than another on this topic.

June 2, 2009 at 4:37 pm

Thanks Anonchick for your response!!!

Dede @ Clutch says:

June 2, 2009 at 4:54 pm

@ I Breathe Fashion – I personally asked Alaina to write this piece because of the comments specifically on Clutch and since this site is for Black women I wanted to talk to US. Asking US to stop doing this.

I def agree about ladies on other sites and women (and men) of all backgrounds and colors getting down and dirty in the comments, but we (Clutch) just hate to see us doing this mess. It’s one thing to state your opinion but another to dawg another black woman (man) out. So. I asked Alaina to please write “Sistas Stop It!” and it came out so BEAUTIFUL – GO Ms. Alaina!

June 2, 2009 at 5:03 pm

No, thank you Dede and the Clutchettes!!! : )

Danie Michelle says:

June 2, 2009 at 7:25 pm

Thank you Thank You THANK YOU for writing this article. Reading the negative comments on a intellectually classy site such as clutch really hurt my feelings. The reasoning? Because for the past 2 years the Clutch staff has worked hard to deliver uplifting and informative articles for us to enjoy and and interact with like minded sistas!

I understand people have the right to their opinions, but at the same time we need to have more discretion on what we say, do, write, and think in our every day lives. My conclusion after interacting with my fellow sistas online ( in other gossip blog comments sections) and offline is that we have a lot of issues that we need to deal with inside. We need to acknowledge it, support each other and stop tearing each other down.

Let’s rejoice in each others accomplishments and if we do have an opinion about the next person, let’s think before we act/speak. Let’s say it in a respectful way.

Kudos again Clutch Staff!! *thumbs up* God Bless!!

Krystala says:

June 2, 2009 at 10:45 pm

This is a great article. It speaks on a topic that is very much alive in the female african-american community. Once we unit as women/race who knows what great things we can achieve.

Gerty W says:

June 3, 2009 at 1:13 am

In order to treat others better we have to address the issues going on on the inside. Some of us have a lot of self-esteem issues and hurt going on that needs to be healed. How can we love our sisters when some of us don’t even love ourselves?

Lilia says:

June 3, 2009 at 3:42 am

I heart this. We need to give respect just as often as we expect to receive it. I like Clutch because the comments are intelligent and rarely haterific. There are some websites with comments that just leave you feeling urgh! On another note, I watched a re-run of Tyra’s show on cyberbullying, don’t you think people sometimes cyber bully celebs? Just saying.

maria merkaba says:

June 3, 2009 at 10:48 am

TRU TRU WHEN WE LOOK AT IT WE REALLY ALL WE GOT IN EACH OF US IS SOMETHING GREAT BEAUTIFUL STRONG AND UNIQUE THAT CAN BENEFIT OR STRENGTHEN ANOTHER SISTERS LIFE IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM. THIS “ATTITUDE” OF OURS IN AN ILLUSIONN. IF WE TRYLU KNEW WHO WE ARE WE WOULDNT BE DEALING WITH THIS MESS.

Get Togetha :: Fashion for the Home. Sans Milk Crates. » musings: thump thump. says:

June 3, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[...] itself like a peacock. I read two wonderful posts…one over at Brown Sista and the other at Clutch. They both discuss the cyber nastiness, and the lack of self love that many women reveal to be the [...]

Reese says:

June 5, 2009 at 10:09 am

Great Post! We as black women should be able to stand together and show each other respect. Although, I enjoy having friendships with women of all races and backgrounds, I experienced some friendships with black women whom were sooo judgemental, two-faced, jealous, gossipy and non- supportive. I have noticed that most Hispanic, Asian and Caucasian women can have meaningful and caring friendships whereas it is a challenge with black women. It would be great to see black women coming together, spread the word!

Sienna says:

June 8, 2009 at 12:58 pm

This article is on time for me because I am sitting here pondering and not at ease.

My husband (who is white) and I (part black) are opening up another business. It is up to me to hire the staff and take care of other things. I’ve narrowed the candidates for a couple of the top slots between an African American female and a white female and, for the other one, an African American female and an Asian.

My mother is part black, but not African American, and I adore her from top to bottom but all black women are NOT classy like her. I want so much to hire the African Americans but I AM SO DONE with my experiences of witnessing their messiness, attitudes, gossiping and being so angry and mean all the time etc. We’re running a business and making money, not trying to deal with neverending issues and attitudes and ghetto neck-swirling shit, and professionalism is a minimum.

I want to get over this and not feel like this cuz it is almost like hating a part of myself. I used to be so idealistic and felt people of color should network and hook each other up, and it makes me sad that I am not yet 25 and my lifetime idealism and open heart has been jaded.

Ronnie says:

June 11, 2009 at 8:14 am

Well said. I couldn’t agree with you more. I will have to link to this article from blog.

Meli says:

July 7, 2009 at 10:59 am

Amen to that. Well written and thanks for sharing.

Meek says:

July 30, 2009 at 10:47 am

This needs to be screamed from the mountain tops!!! This needs to be a movement. We need to declare 2010 Years of the Lady!!! Let’s uproot the venomous seeds that Jim Crow recklessly planted ions ago, that has plagued us as a people for generations, and rekindle the sisterhood that once reined supreme!

I will post this on Facebook and myspace.

Kudos Ms. Alaina L. Lewis, well said. You should write a book!

July 30, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Thanks for the kind words Meek! I’m working on that book right now at this very moment!! : )

Trudat says:

August 27, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Though this post is on a postive note:

can we really just boil it down to “stop it”?

Females “act” a certain way because it is either condone or it is look upon as what she should be doing: girls learn how to behave from the females around them, and what people SAY they should act: its a code that is never broken: if you say there is no code: then you are either lying to yourself or in the code and dont even know it

As females we get our personalities from the society we live around: as much as I WISH we could all “get along” and do the whole kumbaya bit: its not realistic.

Many females who typed: amen and i agree: are the same DAMN ladies who cant stand a certain female because the way this female: smiles, stand, sit, speak, or blink her eyes

I am so tired with the whole lets come together: its fake and again unrealistic………

While I will be Open for that day: i am not naive

A greater post would be: Let’s get to the root to WHY women hoot and holler: its way too complex and too deep

The closest a women could do to “stop it” is shutting their mouths or walk away from a situation….

sigh women will always be women