Feature

The Other Woman

Monday Jun 22, 2009 – By Alaina L. Lewis

6488-000353 As with anything in life, to love and then lose that portion of your heart to another woman brings about a series of emotions that all lead to the same destination… Why her? Even as you whisper the words or breath them into your wonderwall, the mystery can never be resolved without the blessing of a revelation.

Most of the time the treasures that reside in the truth, are buried underneath the lie that blankets what was once your relationship. To understand the folly that succeeded your heartstrings, would mean you’d have to face the hurt head on and brave through its promise of clarity.

But who will deliver you from heartbreak hotel and offer your emotions a bit of peace and sincerity? Can you trust your former love to divulge the secret doorway of his infidelity, or will you forever remain closed off to his world apart from your discounted feelings? When you’ve been lied to before, words are like a game of Russian Roulette. You load the gun and spin the chamber and hope to be hit with a burden of truth. It’s a game of risk and happenchance, but when it comes to your heart, openness and honesty should be the only journey afforded to you.

Even as you read the words dripping from his lips, or hear the anecdotes offered to cover the pain in the situation, you’re still left with an unknowing. You’re still short one side of the two-sided story. You’re still moving forward, yet standing still, just in need of the last piece to the ever-changing puzzle.

To see the world through her eyes, or uncover the second half of his outside opportunity, could bring your curiosity full circle but leave you battered by the interruption of certainty. She’s closer to the truth than you could ever be, because inside his private world she bares the only other key. She has the answers he’ll never tell you. She is the reason his heart disregarded you. She is the self-proclaimed Other Woman.

Because most of us wouldn’t dare turn the knife any further, it’s better to sit and wonder rather than chase down the mystery. Yet in an attempt to bring you closer to your curiosity, I found a few women who are actively involved with men who are married or in a relationship that are willing to give their side of the infidelity. Maybe through their words, you’ll understand your own story. These are some of the intimate whispers of the proud and truthful Other Woman.

When you met him, did you know he was in a relationship and did that stop you from getting involved?

I knew he had a girlfriend, but it was no secret that shorty just couldn’t seem to make him happy. I’m of this philosophy, ‘If he ain’t wearing a ring, then he’s obviously waiting for me.’ [Laughs] Okay, I don’t want to come off like a complete b*tch, but if he was serious about his girlfriend, he would have popped the question 3 years ago. I was just the change of scenery he needed, and he was just the craving I desired, so it worked out. — J.L. 31 Years Old.

This jerk lied to me. I didn’t know he had a wife. He kept her hidden, that’s for sure. By the time I found out, I was already in love with him, and there was no turning back. The last thing I was going to let him do was make me look like a sucker, so I’ve been with him for over a year, and I know that he plans on leaving her for me. They don’t have any kids, and if it wasn’t for the house and the financial issues, he would be at my house every night, and not just a couple days out of the week. – Anonymous, 24 Years Old.

We’re best friends. I’ve always known his girlfriends. Met them, spent time with them, but that’s not going to stop me from enjoying his sexual company. I need him just as much as they do. I’m not trying to be selfish, but I’m not giving him up for anything or anyone. We’re comfortable with our situation and what his girlfriends don’t know won’t hurt them. — C.T. 37 Years Old.

Does it bother you that there is another woman’s feelings involved, and that you’re single-handedly playing the role of a home wrecker?

Is this a serious question? What about my feelings? I mean for real, that girl he’s with is not stupid. He’s at my house almost every night, and if she’s dumb enough to hang in there, that’s her problem. He’s given her all the hints that should let her know he’s got me on the side. Her ignorance has her hanging onto a dead relationship. I’m just as in love as she is, but I’m not going to step out of my place just because she won’t. All’s fair in love and war, or however that saying goes. I’m a fighter, not a home wrecker. He’s my man, and that girl needs to be the one to move on. — K.B. 18 Years Old.

Sometimes, but who am I kidding, it’s not going to stop me from sleeping with him or anything. The sex is too good. [Laughs] Next question please. — A.S. 32 Years Old.

I think about her feelings when I’m not with him, but that’s just because I’m mad that he’s with her and not me. She knows about me. We’ve already been caught, and she already knows he ain’t gon’ leave me alone completely. I don’t consider myself a home wrecker since the cats already out the bag. I just think she’s stupid, because she hanging on to a dream. – Anonymous, 36 Years Old.

Why do you stay involved with him when you know he’s got a girlfriend/wife?

Because I’m hoping that he’ll leave her for me. Plain and simple. I’m not a bad person, I just got caught up with my heart. That’s not a crime. Every women has dated a married man before anyway. – Anonymous, 24 Years Old.

I don’t want a real relationship at this point in my life. I’m dating two men with girlfriends, and I’m cool with that because after I get my appetite satisfied, they go home and play house with their ladies and I get my “Me Time.” I’m young, sexy and just doing me. I don’t really feel I need to explain myself to anyone. These fools are gonna cheat whether it’s with me or you. Say I’m lying? I’m just smart enough to get mine while the rest of you just act prudish when you know you want to. – J. L. 31 Years Old.

Girlfriends are temporary. I don’t mess with married men. Everyone else is fair game when you meet ‘em in the club. If he cared about that girl, he wouldn’t dog her out by sleeping with me. You need to ask these brothas why they stay involved with a girl when they know they’re just going to cheat. — A.S. 32 Years Old.

Why do you think he chose you?

I know why he chose me… I’m everything she isn’t. My “Man”, if that’s what I should call him used to complain to me everyday when we were just friends about how his girl would nag him and had just let herself go since they got together 2 years earlier. Women need to realize, that what you did to get him is what you need to do to keep him. I’m sexy 24/7. She also had him on a tight leash, and as I friend I let him breath. He liked my carefree nature, and was tired of her attitude problem. One thing led to another and we went from being emotionally in love to being in a sexual affair. I’m his everything. She’s just the woman he’s used too. I’m fine with that for now, but eventually, he better leave her for good. — Anonymous 36 Years Old.

Because we just have a rhythm you can’t [mess] with. He’s a DJ, and I’m an aspiring singer, so when we met, we just clicked instantly. I know him and his girl got a lot in common and all, but I think he’s just with her because of their kids. I’m encouraging, and we’re just good friends more than anything. I think he chose me because I’m what he’s truly looking for, whereas she represents an old way of thinking. — K.B. 18 Years Old.

I think people stumble into love, and sometimes it’s when they’re least expecting it. Me and my guy were best friends. We tried dating in our 20’s but settled for being buddies. No matter who I’m dating, or who he’s dating, we always find ourselves in a sexual affair. We just can’t resist one another, but for some reason we just don’t do well together in the open. I know it’s wrong on both our parts, but I’m not willing to give him up and he’s not willing to let me go either. I’m sure we’ll be married to our spouses and falling into bed together way into our 70’s. We have a love thang no one can compare to. – C.T. 37 Years Old.

Do you have any plans of moving on in the future or are you waiting for her to leave?

I‘ll move on when I’m ready to be in a relationship with someone. Right now I’m comfortable and I’m having fun. I’m not ashamed of it either. – J. L. 31 Years Old.

If he doesn’t leave her by the end of this year, I’m hitting the beats. It’s been long enough, and I’m not going to play the fool too much longer. He’s got too much freedom to bounce back and forth between us two. He gets mad at me when I mention getting a boyfriend, so if he wants to continue sleeping with me, then he needs to get a divorce for real. I love him. — Anonymous 24 Years Old.

I’m good. This works for me right now. I have all the perks of a relationship without having the drama. If he leaves her, I’ll be here for him, but I’m not going to fool myself into believing this greedy cat is going to choose me anytime soon. — A.S. 32 Years Old.

I am his future. Period. Her numbers almost up. –K.B. 18 Years Old.

Elle Tee says:

June 22, 2009 at 1:06 am

wow….WOW.

↑ Reply

Tiffany W. says:

June 22, 2009 at 2:49 am

I have a feeling this article will get closed, lol. This was….ehhh interesting. One thing they all have in common is that they sound like, well let’s just say TLC – Fanmail – Track 3. I really shake my head the hardest at these 30+ year olds. Yeah, you’re young, but you’re also too hot damn old to be acting like that. Especially that 37 year old, hang it up granny.

SMartin says:

June 22, 2009 at 3:15 am

I just have to shake my head. If I didn’t know myself, I would have sworn that a few of these were written by me not even a year ago. I was a married man’s other woman. I felt like some of these woman. I was the woman he deserved to be with. The woman he needed. The sex was amazing!!!!!!! We had a sexual connection like know other or at least I thought. But the thing was,if I was so important to him, why can’t he just leave and be with me? He gave me the universal cheating married man’s excuses: If it wasn’t for the house, the finances and the kids, I would have been gone a long time ago. Four years of my life wasted on a man that was never going to leave. I can’t blame him though. Just like these ladies, it was my own stupidity that kept me there. They will always tell you the bad things that are going in their household only to make you feel as though you are so special.

For those who are saying that this is working for them right now, remember that Karma is real. I know that I will get mine one day so I don’t even stress it. You reap what you sow.

LaKeyshaF says:

June 22, 2009 at 9:57 am

In the movie Why did I get married? they said that the wife is 80% of what he needs and he then finds another woman with the 20% he’s craving.

SMartin-you are correct…they will only say the bad thats going on but there is obviously more good or else they would have left long ago.

And don’t we all know that if a man cheats on her with me…what makes me think he wont cheat on me with someone else? Will it be justified when its your feelings that are being trampled on?

And the reason many of the men may enjoy their “other women” is because there is absolutely no responsibility there. No she doesnt ask you about your whereabouts, no she doesnt nag you to take out the trash or be home at a decent hour, no she doesnt expect you to pay the bills. So you have a carefree relationship with no repsonsibility or expectations. But that is not realistic. Because if he becomes your man…you WILL have all of the same expectations that his legitimate girlfriend/wife did and pretty soon he’ll be looking for someone else who will just have sex and a couple laughs with him without requiring him to be a man about life.

SpenceGould says:

June 22, 2009 at 10:38 am

Nowhere in history has there been a race, creed, nationality, tribe, or religion of men who consistently practiced monogamy without fail. Men maintaining more than one partner predates the very Bible that most Christians recite their vows from when they wed. Nevertheless, despite the generations and generations of evidence that monogamy isn’t probable, women continue to enter into relationships with the unrealistic, faulty expectation that their men will never stray.

Why don’t we ever investigate the possibility that men’s “cheating hearts” aren’t the problem. Maybe the problem is with the fact that, historically, marriage was not about fidelity — or even love for that matter. Marriage for love didn’t start until about 100-150 years ago. Before that, marriage was about bloodlines, family fortune management, and even real-estate. Monogamy is an elusive goal that millions pursue but only a very few, if any, ever achieve. Nevertheless, every year thousands of couples enter into the unknown abyss of romance/marriage sprinting after this carrot on the proverbial stick.

Contrary to popular belief, men who “cheat” aren’t bad people who don’t respect or care about our wives or girlfriends. Understand that safety and longevity are traits that WOMEN find sexy. Men are aroused by novelty and variation.

I’m not letting the guys off the hook. We can’t argue that our desires are natural and then sneak around and do our thing. If that’s the option a man wants, he should be man enough to put it on the table in the beginning and give the lady the choice. However, the miseducation that young boys and girls get about healthy relationships makes open and honest dialogue about things like that next to impossible.

When a man steps out, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t value his main relationship. The woman on the side isn’t stupid for falling for a guy who is involved. Furthermore, the wife/girlfriend isn’t stupid for sticking around after the assignation comes to light. Women need to stop assigning female values to male behavior and accept the fact that men and women are simply wired differently when it comes to sex. Until that happens, divorce rates will remain over 50% and relationships will continue to crumble.

GG says:

June 22, 2009 at 11:53 am

Wow @ SpenceGould. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying but it does not make the situation hurt less when a person has been cheated on. I also feel that ALL parties should be aware of the situation. If a man is cheating on his girlfriend/wife then his side situation should know and that unfortunately is not something that usually happens. Then it becomes a case of “having his cake and eating it too” and that is usually brought on by the cheater not wanting to deal with the issues of having to explain his (or her) actions.

LP says:

June 22, 2009 at 1:33 pm

What is amazing is how these woman can get on their soap boxes and call the wife/girlfriend “stupid”. Really? and I guess you are smarter because you are his side ho? The only person I feel has a small justification is the woman that claims she didn’t know until it was too late…and that’s still no excuse. I don’t understand why anyone would settle as the woman who can’t be seen in public,meet family, and eventually be his wife. Yeah, act hard like you don’t care, but you know you really do. Please believe he will most likely NEVER ever leave his wife, because if he had those intentions, he could be legally seperated for damn near free.I believe what goes around comes around and have seen it happened to chicks ten times over. You all will get yours-it’s coming!

June 22, 2009 at 1:49 pm

I don’t buy it. Simply because some people participate in a practice does not mean that it is inevitable. I fully believe that WE HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER OUR ACTIONS. Did you ever stop to ponder if it could be outside infulences that for centuries has ok’d male promiscuity and encouraged it but prohibited females from the same actions? That may be the reason men participate in it, not because the are hard-wired for promiscuity.

Besides I don’t believe that most men believe that infidelity is not wrong. They just want to rob from the bank AND collect interest (i.e. have their cake and eat it to)

Miss Jae says:

June 22, 2009 at 4:31 pm

Wow…this article reads like my life for the past 3.5 years. Granted, I should feel guilty for being “The Other Woman” but I don’t. If it’s not me, it’s going to be someone else, plain and simple. A ring doesn’t mean anything anymore. Just because you busted your ass to get him to the alter doesn’t mean your job is up. I think that’s where the problem kicks in. All the things women did before the marriage they stop doing. And that leaves room for someone else to fill that void.

lexibugg says:

June 22, 2009 at 5:03 pm

1. it is not psychologically healthy to be any man’s jump-off
2. karma is a bitch

3.THIS IS WHY AIDS, BROKEN HOMES, FATHERLESS CHILDREN, AND HOSTILITY BETWEEN BLACK WOMEN IS SO RAMPID IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY…
DISAGREE IF YOU WANT BUT IS TRUE, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO YOU DUMB BITCHES NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY NO TO A DICK, AND THINKING ANY MAN IS GOING TO EVER TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY OR HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR YOU WHEN YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF RESPECTING YOUR SELF

Mikele says:

June 22, 2009 at 5:29 pm

WOOooooWW!! Can you say delusional!? And projecting? Ladies… (and I use that term lightly) you CANNOT be serious. Hopefully after these anony’s read what they’ve said and think on it a minute they’ll see the light?? That ain’t your man! Never will be!! NEVER!

I was involved recently with a man who entered into a relationship with another woman while we were dating and though it was HARD, I had to walk away! Because I’m not that chick!!! He would’ve kept taking me out, snuggling, cuddling, f*cking whatever I wanted!! LIVING with this woman. Ummmm no thank you. Have some self respect.

styleosophy says:

June 22, 2009 at 6:28 pm

You reap what you sow.

That said, I was honest enough with myself to lay down what I wanted in man in my early thirties. One of my rules included I would not be dating a married man. I didn’t subvert the rule and let in separated or on his way to a divorce. NO MARRIED MEN.

So when I met a guy, fell in love, and he had a few “yellow light’s” popping off (couldn’t mail him a card; the relationship was long distance but he had some insanely jealous type issues, etc.) I did the secret squirrel on him and it revealed that he indeed was still married, though he claimed (until the very end) that he was divorcing her.

It hurt, but I walked. My issue was never with him not cleaning up his act before starting the relationship, I always gave him the out of coming clean with me and he didn’t until I provided proof. My issue is the lies. He never gave me the choice of opting-in for the ride by determining on his own that I wasn’t worth the truth. (And I’m not the one who stands by the rule that monogamy is the only choice to relationship happiness. Monogamy is not for everybody, but HONESTY should be.)

Remember what you do in the dark always comes to light.

June 22, 2009 at 7:00 pm

@ LaKeyshaF – I’m not selling anything. So what you’re “buying” or not is immaterial. I’m just taking an honest look at something that’s broken. I’m not saying that men can’t control themselves. Contrary to popular belief, having an affair takes a lot of control, planning, and strategy.

Second, yes. I’ve considered ALL of the outside influences that affect marriage and relationships. That’s how I came up with my thesis. Third, I said nothing that even remotely sounded like men are “hard-wired for promiscuity”. I said men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex and therefore view sex with new partners from different paradigms. And be careful when making statements like “most men…” — especially when you’re not a man!

I’m not saying that your point of view is wrong. I am saying that it doesn’t work. Men need to be more honest about their desires for congress with women outside of their relationships. A woman SHOULD ABSOLUTELY be granted the same option IF THAT’S WHAT WORKS FOR HER. But continuing to stay the exact same course when so many marriages/relationships go slamming into the exact same wall is just stupid. If what I’m saying is wrong, then why do so many marriages/relationships have infidelity issues? Do you honestly think that there are that many men out here with flawed character? Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe it’s the expectation of lifelong monogamy that’s flawed?

You want to use the same strategy that’s contributed to more than half of all marriages (and close to 70% of non-married relationships) ending in failure. And that’s fine if you don’t mind repeating the same mistakes generation after generation. I’m into Change and improvement. And sometimes that means looking for new (read: uncomfortable) ways to tackle age old challenges.

theprototype says:

June 22, 2009 at 9:43 pm

Having been on both sides of the fence, ladies, I have come to this conclusion,” Messing with an attached dude-married or otherwise-just is NOT WORTH IT.” But who am I to preach? One must learn for herself. You may be the victor temporarily but the guy will do something at some point to scar you emotionally and at that moment it will be clear that you are #2.
Take it from someone who has been through it-it’s thrilling and fun but it isn’t worth it. Especially when it gets done to you. You will be ready to bust his and her (the other woman’s) head open. Live and learn.
But this argument is like telling a hustler to leave the streets because one day they’ll get caught-in their mind they are “too smart” and “won’t make the same mistakes” as others before him or her. People have to Live Off Xperience (L.O.X.)

LL says:

June 22, 2009 at 10:42 pm

These women who sleep with married women’s husband by the sounds of it are the main ones perpetuating the down spiraling of the black family man. Women please be savvy and humble enough to get your own. What kind of women helps a brother fall into his weaknesses instead of building the man’s spiritual and emotional wellbeing. It’s already hard to find real strong men in the black society. These men, instead of sacrificing quality time with their wives and children to foster healthy relationships spend their time lusting after seductive women (which according to the Bible are the way to destruction). These are the issues of morality that increasingly bring the black community into trenches. The reality of this situation is too serious to discuss here or by most including me but hopefully, some of these men can see the example Barack Obama has been setting so far with his family and realize what is important. Joy in life is enjoying what is most close to you, your family members,work,hobbies etc. Husbands and wives, try to find ways to come closer to one another and God, not further apart: it will be rewarding to yourself and civilization. Also, children are very smart and know what goes on even if they don’t say anything, so set a GOOD example. I can only wish…

Megan says:

June 22, 2009 at 10:57 pm

They’re all whores. The whole lot of them. Including the men.

Laquita says:

June 23, 2009 at 11:23 am

Great article – very insightful.

ty says:

June 23, 2009 at 12:08 pm

smh….these women have no cooth..i mean cmon…some say they wanna be with there “man”..and eventually they will but tha reality is there not fully gonna have him..i mean if “he” decides to leave his main alone for tha other women wat makes her think that he will be faithful to her?..these men have a hunger that they can not satisfy with just one women..and alot of it has to do with there insecurites and personal problems…and some women claim tha dont care if he has a girlfriend because when theyre ready for a relationship they will have one..lol…when u play with fire u will get burned..and karam is a bitch..

Lee says:

June 23, 2009 at 12:57 pm

Wow….this article was interesting! What married man who cheats is going to tell the other woman how great his wife is? How she cooks, cleans, has a full-time career and is a wonderful mother? Uhhhh..NONE! Thats why they tell you how bad their wives are etc. If their wives were sooooo terrible believe me they would leave! This is not the 1950’s, not that many people are sticking it out for the kids! Yes, men cheat but you don’t have to be the one he cheats with! They always say there are two types of women: The woman they can bring home to their mothers and they woman they ONLY want to sex. The key word is ONLY! I’ve been there and I always knew I deserved more! So thats what I started to expect and thats what I got! When you expect more you’ll get more…those with little expectations get little.

Goldangel says:

June 23, 2009 at 1:01 pm

Eeew black men and their neverending crap. SpenceGould that was the biggest pile of pseudo-intellectual bullshit I’ve ever read. The side jump-off is stupid for getting with an involved BOY and the wife/girlfriend is beyond all rhyme and reason stupid for staying with the LOSER. Then black women wonder why they have a soaring out-of-wedlock birth rate, the highest abortion rates, represent 70% of American females with HIV/AIDS, 48% of young African American females have an STD and black American females are way way beyond white women with their instances of gonorrhea and syphilis.

FEMALES GET SOME SELF ESTEEM, DEMAND BETTER, QUIT BEING SO DESPERATE AND STOP F*CKING THESE USELESS AND NASTY FOOLS, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT PROTECTION, AND LETTING THEM TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT!

And why in the heck are you rampaging against marriage and going blah blah about the divorce rate, SpenceGouLd? Y’all stopped marrying your women long ago and are least likely to marry them now since, unfortunately, women have shown black men via their actions that they don’t have to marry them, yet she will give him any and everything. Your women, generally, are not demanding more of you and making you marry them so what is your beef?

Better yet, why are you whining against monogamous relationships period? It ain’t like black men have been good and faithful mates and partners the last few decades. Nobody is stopping you and you’ve BEEN cheating and hitting this and that for the last 50 or so yeasr, so what are you whining about?

Oh, oh, I get it. You want to be able to “maintain more than one partner” and have a wife or “main girl” and the right to test any side piece you choose, and pass diseases around, without question, argument or consequences. I suppose you think that would be a “healthy relationship” *snicker

Well considering that black men have been doing this things for years, how has that worked out for ya? Stable families are the cornerstone of a successful society and community, so how has this worked out for your communities? Your group introduced the terms “baby mama” and “baby daddy” into the American lexicon and proved a behavior of sexing all over the place, out of wedlock births, not marrying your women or raising your children and just being animalistic, immortal and totally driven by your penises. Outside of the few Baracks out there Black men, generally, are failures in America – they didn’t start any Apple, Microsoft, new cutting edges business etc. etc. because they concentrate too much on poontang, sports, what they drive or what they are wearing and, since you love reinforcing the “mandingo” stereotype of black men from slavery – all physical, no mental, dumb as hell and can’t control their out of control sexual urges – then enjoy.

A couple things left out of your lil bullshit post. A female’s sex drive can be just as strong, and certainly is as natural, as a male’s but many CHOOSE to put their families and commitments first instead of being lead by their sexual organs, fucking every man they see and then turn around and justify it by saying their desires are “natural”. Second, a lot of dudes want to stick anything they want but CAN NOT STAND the mere thought of their woman doing the exact same thing and YOU KNOW IT! Dudes like you – hilariously trying to be all intellectual when all you are is selfish and undisciplined – wanna dish it (cheat) but you can’t take your wife or main girlfriend having other men running up in it. And men who cheat DO HAVE CHARACTER FLAWS; they respect and care more about their penises than they do their wives, girlfriends and children. They are selfish and “value” chasing ass over family and commitment.

“Understand that safety and longevity are traits that WOMEN find sexy. Men are aroused by novelty and variation.” SpenceGould

You told LaKeyshaF to not generalize about men if she wasn’t one so take your own advice and don’t generalize about females if you are not one. You think your dick stays new and any female you’re dealing with won’t want (or think about) to test a different, bigger or ‘novel’ one her damn self? Please!

And please don’t talk around the issue of young boys and girls being miseducated about healthy relationships when a key reason is because your worthless asses have not been there to father and raise your children. Your pattern has been to sex it up, have all these babies outside of marriage, leave the woman to take care of them, don’t raise them and then what happens? Your daughters will struggle to understand the worthwhile traits she should seek in a mate; your sons are hurt and you’ve set them up to be more likely to never finish school, live in poverty, be uneducated, go in and out of jail and to, eventually, become just as useless as you. Most importantly, you’ve failed to provide them a mirror of how a REAL MAN and SELFLESS father maintains a healthy relationship and takes care of his family. Black males are 6% of the population yet have the 2nd largest rates of AIDS/HIV in this country and make up ½ the prison population. With all that, you are basically a useless leech and drain on society.

ceecee says:

June 23, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Standing ovation GoldAngel!
I’ve been on the verge a couple times, I can especially relate to C.T and her cut-buddy situation cos that’s what it is.

Mahogany Misfit (aka "CF SP") says:

June 23, 2009 at 3:20 pm

@ Gold Angel- Wow you let loose on that one.

Can’t say I disagree with you said much either.

In any case, the married men dealing with these women are having their needs met on both ends and will continue their game for as long as allowed. They don’t give “their all” to any of the women in their lives and I imagine they find that quite satisfying. Their wives likely receive little and their mistresses receive even less in the way of time, effort, or genuine care.

If it wasn’t for the presence of vows (and likely children in most of these cases), I probably wouldn’t flinch at what I’ve read here. Hell, my own life has been full of fleeting affairs and excitement seeking, but the difference is, I don’t have a spouse or children who would suffer the fall out from my self-centered shenanigans.

June 23, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Ooh typo correction : “Can’t say I disagree with much you said either!”

Royal K. says:

June 23, 2009 at 4:04 pm

KARMA is no joke, we all reap what we sow!!!!
GOLDANGEL, girl you better speak on it, TABERNACLE!!!!!!

June 23, 2009 at 4:28 pm

@Goldangel aka AngryChick…wow! You clearly missed the points I made. I see that you’re one to go off half-cocked, hurling insults while being grossly misinformed. So allow me to inform you… I have been happily married (to a sista) for five years. We were previously in a successful relationship for over 10 (uninterrupted) years before we got hitched. I, personally, have never even had a pregnancy (or STD) scare, let alone incident. We practiced safe sex up until we were married. I’m 34 with no kids. And I don’t mean an unplanned pregnancy that was aborted. I’ve never impregnated a woman in my life because, until I got married, I strapped up EACH AND EVERY time my then girlfriend and I got down. I used to teach at- risk, inner-city, Jr High School kids — mostly Black. I’ve spent more time mentoring young Black boys then some parents who actually have young Black boys. So, my expertise about the miseducation young people get about relationships is quite thorough! If you honestly think that kids are being equipped with what it takes to maintain healthy relationships, then you’re clearly not in touch with young people (hint: most of them get their relationship tips from videos and bad “reality” TV.)

I’m not sure if you’re married, but I am. I don’t know if you know what it takes to maintain a successful relationship for over a decade and a half — but I do. A couple of points I’d like to clear up…

I never suggested that women’s libidos aren’t as strong as men’s. Women are sexual beings just like men. What I said was that men RELATE to sex much, much differently than women do. Men and women are simply raised and socialized different.

Marriage as a purely romantic institution is a new concept, my dear. As a successfully married man who received lots of bad advice prior to getting hitched, I can say FROM EXPERIENCE that marriage is one of the most widely practiced, least understood institutions known to humankind. And that’s not me being “psuedo-intellectual” — it’s me being REAL. Ask any successfully married couple who’s been at it for 10+ years, they’ll be happy to tell you how the fairy tale romance garbage we get fed doesn’t keep a real marriage going.

If you would’ve read my words, you would’ve seen where I said that I’m not making ANY excuses for men. I’m just trying to take a new look at a situation that, again, IS NOT WORKING!

You mentioned the President…let’s be clear…you have NO IDEA what went on behind the closed doors of their relationship/marriage. Let’s be clear again…Michelle didn’t marry the 44th President of The United States. She got with a brotha’ who, at the time, had much more potential than income. Let’s not forget, she was the bread winner for most of their marriage. Honestly, I know lots of women who want to be with the 2009 version of Barack Obama — but probably wouldn’t have given him the time of day when he was a low-paid community organizer on Chicago’s south side.

You, like everyone else out here, have a right to your opinion. If you disagree with me, then that’s fine. I still respect you and your views. But please don’t lump me in a single generalized category with every “no good brotha” out here simply because we disagree. And PLEASE don’t call me a psuedo-intellectual simply because I can express my views without cursing like you!

Yada says:

June 23, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Its funny how these “OTHER WOMEN” talk about sex, sex, sex. And how these men who cheat with them really in fact love them and not the real women who they are actually in a realtionships with. What a real side hoe should know is that her pussy should not come for free nor her time. If these men love you not only would they be providing you with good sex but enough knowledge to know your worth. But coming from the responses I can see these women in particular already know there worth. And in my opinion it would be “low” along with the suckas that cheat on there women. For the woman proud to sleep with two men ur gross along with all other women with this same mindset. Dont you know your womb produces our future. AND CAN WE SAY HIV. Get it together ladies. I have 4 brothers each of them different and strong in their own natural way. All of them have always said you can be a toss up or a real women. Which one are you?

TL says:

June 23, 2009 at 6:17 pm

@SpenceGould. My only question is should we determine that the institute of marriage is broken because we as individuals fail to live up to its standards. Likewise, is the math test broken because the student failed to study and live up to its requirements?

June 23, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Actually your posts have made me giggle out loud with laughter, SpenceGould. I speak frankly but never ever been the “angrychick” type so no need to call me that because I’m a truth-teller. And, just so you know, I’ve been happily married (to a white male) for 6 years, my parents have been married for 40 years, and my husband’s parents for 43 years, so I know what it takes.

Whether YOU have personally been to prison, had a child out of wedlock or an STD is irrelevant in the scope as it DOES NOT change the fact that black men make up ½ the prison population, are creating a lot of children OOW that they neither financially support or raise, are way behind black American females when it comes to college attendance and graduation rates etc. etc. It does not change the fact that about 3 times as many black American males have AIDS or are HIV positive and passing that (as well as other diseases) on to females with their selfish and reckless behavior. (And no, I don’t solely blame men as FEMALES should take charge of their own sexual health, DEMAND testing and condom use, and stop getting with LOSERS and birthing their babies out of wedlock).

“I’ve spent more time mentoring young Black boys then some parents who actually have young Black boys. So, my expertise about the miseducation young people…”

Shame you don’t realize how you’ve basically reiterated one of my points that a key problem in the miseducation of young people regarding healthy relationships occurs because too many sperm donors are not marrying, being fathers, raising/supporting their children, or providing an example of what a REAL MAN and FATHER is and does as a key part to being a great parent and mate is SELFLESSNESS, not running in whatever direction one’s raggedy penis points. And what you basically wrote was that men who want to fuck around, have their cake and eat it too should just inform their female victims upfront.

“If that’s the option a man wants, he should be man enough to put it on the table in the beginning… …Men need to be more honest about their desires for congress with women outside of their relationships.”

And do some research and quit trying to insinuate “infidelity” is the leading cause of divorce because it is NOT. Communication problems/incompatibility, financial issues and physical, sexual or verbal abuse come way before infidelity. And not only did you try to big-up dumb chicks who get/stay with cheaters as not “stupid”, in my opinion a lot of your blah blah was basically the same ol played out and tired line saying ‘understand the po black man and give him what he wants’ and came with admonitions for females like:

“women continue to enter into relationships with the unrealistic, faulty expectation that their men will never stray. Women need to stop assigning female values to male behavior and accept the fact that men and women are simply wired differently when it comes to sex. …men who “cheat” aren’t bad people who don’t respect or care about our wives or girlfriends. …The woman on the side isn’t stupid for falling for a guy who is involved. Furthermore, the wife/girlfriend isn’t stupid for sticking around after the assignation comes to light.”

Using one’s brain, not dropping one’s drawers and crapping in the middle of an intersection, and not simply acting on “natural” urges are things that separates humans from goddamn animals but, since you wrote of how “unrealistic” women are to expect fidelity, how ‘realistic’ is it for a married or attached man to stick anything in sight yet desire or expect his wife or girlfriend to be A-OK, happy and cool with it? Talk about faulty and unrealistic!! Your above quotes were nothing but selfish dumbness! You didn’t suggest men find some integrity, grow the fuck up, or quit being so dick-lead, self-centered and selfish, you suggested they simply inform all parties that they would be fucked over and that there would be no fidelity.

And I’m yet to understand just why you went blabbing on and on about ‘marriages slamming into a wall’ when the percentage of black men that actually marry their women has dropped dramatically in the last decades. Why are you arguing against something these LOSERS are not even doing in large numbers? Further, you were quick to use statistics and percentages on divorces etc. to prove your ‘it’s just natural for men to cheat’ point and stated that you were “into change and “improvement”. So please share with us all how buying your garbage and allowing men to “congress with women outside of their relationships” as long as they informed all parties and were “honest about” it” has lead to “improvement” or any type of positive “change” for the black community? Tick, tick, tick…I’m waiting.

A bunch of baby mamas and absent fathers has lead to black boys growing up maladjusted, useless and with increased chances for being violent, drop outs, un/undereducated, incarcerated, POOR etc. and who don’t know how to have healthy relationships or be good husbands or fathers (b/c they never had a father around to show them how). If they ever leave their mother or grandmother’s homes, they spend much of their adult lives looking for other females to leech off of and take care of them because, of course, the black male is soooo much the ultimate and only victim of society. *boo-hoo*.

BP says:

June 23, 2009 at 6:50 pm

Plain and simple. Married women get upset at the other woman. Why? She doesn’t owe you shit! If it’s some close to you, than I can feel your anger. Other than that. Fair game. The married woman needs to be upset with the man whom is suppose to be the head of her household. Don’t get me wrong, men who are married that cheat are creeps. This will NEVER end as long as there is a woman willing. Ive dated a married man, more than once. He never talked about how unhappy he was, and he didn’t disrespect or degrade her, in fact, he admitted his happiness. When asked why he was with me, he simply told me, because I was sexy, and he likes me too! Im not gullible, I just wanted what I wanted. I also checked him every chance I got, just for the hell of it. As Im typing this, I can’t say what it was I wanted….It wasn’t him, his money, or his time. In the end, the sex wasn’t that great. However, he was a good conversationalist. Is it right or ethical to mess around with a married man, absolutely not. The main thing is that the wife needs to get order in her home and hold the man accountable, even if that means leaving and not compromising her dignity. In my case, I never wanted that married man. Im not stupid enough to “wait” for his divorce.

I hope this brings clarity to the married woman, which is why this topic was started.

Peace and blessings black people!:

Clnmike says:

June 23, 2009 at 8:12 pm

There are two types of women who date attached men, the first one is in love and believes the feeling is mutual, (which can be the case, the idea that you can only love one person is naive), and that he will leave the main lady for her, which is not so unrealistic if he just has a girlfriend but naive thinking if he is married.

Most people dont leave their other because they enjoy the stability and they do love the other.

If they do leave than trust that the relationship was doomed regardless if she was in the picture or not.

The second type of woman sees a part time lover as complimentary to their life, all the perks of having a lover with none of the responability or work it takes to keep a relationship going.

They enjoy their freedom and independence while having companionship and sex on schedlue.

You can argue that they benifit from a more stable relationship, they dont have to worry were he is cause if he is not with her he is with his wife, holidays dont matter to her because he has to keep things secretive on her part but he does have to ante up to keep her interested.

She doesnt have to put up with bills, were are they going to live, kids, and so on.

In fact if she is treated as a mistress instead of a side piece than she gets her bills paid.

The wife (or husband since this post CONVENIENTLY omitted the fact that women are well versed in the art of deception of the heart) is the only real victim here since she is kept in the dark.

The only time things go to hell is when no one sticks to their roles, boundries are not respected and when you start adding more than one part time lover to the equation.

The best bet is not to get married in the first place.

June 23, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Okay…here’s my last at bat and then we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

@TL – “is the math test broken because the student failed to study and live up to its requirements?” Great question that really made me think. My answer is maybe the test isn’t broken. Maybe it’s just the wrong test to begin with. It’s unproductive to only look at low test scores without examining whether or not the entire educational system is flawed. In keeping with your education analogy, telling people (women included) to simply be faithful is like telling students to just study harder. That’s what’s been done for years and the test scores aren’t imroving.

@Goldangel…I went to the only college in this country that was built exclusively for the education of Black men. Most of the core curriculum dealt extensively with the issues brothas have/perpetuate. So your stats on the Black male crises are hardly illuminating.

Is the purpose of these kinds of debates to condemn or to correct? You seem to imply that the only men who “step out” are low-life, momma’s basement dwellers. Quite to the contrary, men cheat across all socio-economic lines. There is no direct correlation between “sorry brothas” and cheating. In fact, MANY successful men of all races have been known philanderers. I am BY NO MEANS codoning this. I’m simply stating that some very successful and well-respected men have exhibited the very same behavior. Exhibits A-C: Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Pres. Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby; just to name a few. King’s trysts were well documented. However, that didn’t stop his picture from hanging right next to Jesus in Black households all over the country.

So…you obviously disagree with my suggestions for yeah, I said it, Change. We can’t treat this issue the way Sarah Palin treats teenage pregnancy and simply say, “Don’t do it!” Because, that CLEARLY doesn’t work. I’m simply suggesting that we exaine something different.

With this, I bow out. Godspeed to all.

Jessika says:

June 24, 2009 at 2:07 pm

All I can say these bitches yes bitches are stupid. There is such a thing as karma. Narcissim is not an appealing.

D-Ski says:

June 25, 2009 at 11:47 pm

Actually Tiffany….37 years of age hardly qualifies someone as old, however I do concur that that sister should know better. It’s very fascinating to me that as women, we desire a certain type of man/relationship, and when something other than what we desire comes along…..we accept it. We need to stop lying to ourselves first and foremost and then maybe…just maybe we can get down to the business of finding authentic love.

RG says:

June 27, 2009 at 12:49 pm

I found this discussion after searching “why don’t I marry the other woman?” I’ve been married for 25 years and have had a love relationship with “the other woman” for 9 years. My marriage is virtually sexless while after nine years I can’t get enough of my friend, whom I love deeply. So why can’t I marry her? Because I DO feel my job and finances will be destroyed, I DO believe my children will be hurt at a time when they are developing emotionally and psychologically. Those are NOT lines of BS. They are extremely scary to me. I also worry that if I leave wife to marry “other”, our relationship will somehow grow apart. But I do love her and do want to marry her. Apart from finances and children, I no longer have any affections for my wife, although I do love her, too, as a person who’s shared a lot of life’s experiences with me. All I can conclude is that I don’t really understand you men or women who take such a hard, vindictive stand against the “cheating” man (a misnomer) and the other woman. You seem heartless to me, whereas my heart and capacity to love is what has gotten me into this predicament.

June 27, 2009 at 9:02 pm

RG,

Do you love her (the other woman) or do you love her sex? Just curious question.

Anyhow, I’ll tell you why we have no compassion for the other woman and the cheating man, BECAUSE YOU SUCK! Those are the best words I can think of, because I find it inconceivable that you would ask that. “What about me? What about my feelings?” Cheating is the lowest you could probably go, when you are suppose to be committed to someone and have children on top of that. All that time spent screwing that lady silly could have been spent on your marriage and your kids. We have no sympathy for you or her, because you both are wrong in every sense of the word. If your wife did that to you, would you say, “You know baby, I completely understand.” No, you wouldn’t. So, don’t expect that compassion, because you don’t deserve it.

June 27, 2009 at 10:33 pm

Hi Tiff – I know it’s easy to slam somebody you’ll never see or know in a blog, so no offense taken. Yes, I love the other woman beyond belief. And our relationship was purely platonic for two years before we first made love. Because we are both so busy and some distance between us, I’m lucky to be able to spend time with her a couple times a month, apart from the vacation we take together each year. You’re wrong about something else also. I pray each day that my wife would meet a man who would sweep her off her feet and connect with her deeply and share the same aspirations and goals in life as she does. It would let me off the hook and let both of us pursue our dreams with what few years we are given to live. I would totally understand. Sometimes, you know, a guy just marries the wrong gal or vice versa and sometimes you don’t realize the dreams are all but gone until many years have passed.

NJD says:

June 27, 2009 at 10:50 pm

Wow.Speechless @ RG. I’m never getting married…..

June 28, 2009 at 8:36 am

Amazing. First of all, this isn’t a blog. It is an online interactive magazine, buddy. Second, all you are doing is wasting a bunch of people’s time. Number one, your wife. Don’t think that all her life consists of is you, kids, and work. She probably waiting for some woman to take you away, so she can finally marry Usher.

Second, the kids. Don’t put up a facade of a “relationship” of husband and wife. If you don’t have affection for you wife, how healthy is that for your kids to see. They learn everything from home, don’t give them that image to carry with them.

Lastly, the other woman. Nobody likes second place. You said nine years, like it wasn’t anything. Uhhh, she’s tired of waiting on you! Divorce shouldn’t be an excuse, everybody else is doing it quite fine. And if your wife takes you to the cleaners, consider it karma.

June 29, 2009 at 11:06 pm

RG I won’t tear you up and down b/c that would be too easy. The only thing any honest person with integrity could ever hope for you is karma’s progression and that you get SEVEN TIMES SEVENTY THE RECEIPT ON THE EXACT SAME THINGS you’ve put out for 9 years. What’s that you say? Lies, deceit and cheating. Oh but you want sympathy and for people to not be so “hard” and “vindictive” on ‘cheaters’? Nigga please! Is you serious?!

Maybe the jump-off you claim to love has been sucking off the city’s top investment banker for the last 7 years exactly 2 days after you left her. You 100% sure of what your side slut was/has been doing when you were away? Think your wife hasn’t a clue what you’ve been doing because she hasn’t called you out on it? If so, good, and dream on, but what 100% proof do you have that either your silly-ho or wifey hasn’t been giving out exactly what you gave and getting theirs this whole time? That’s right, NONE, so get tested or die of some sexually transmitted diseased that YOU ASKED FOR. You don’t know what either of them were doing every second of the day b/c you chose to break trust and MEN ARE STUPID. Hopefully your wife has been getting her sugar pot licked then smacked, flipped, rubbed down, then fucked-better-than-you-ever-have by some HYT (that’s handsome young thang) every second you spent sticking outside the vows you made before God. How ya like that? How you feelin’ those thoughts?

Both your wife and hooka-on-the-side just might come to hate your deceitful guts one day then move on to BIGGER and BETTER dick. You can cloak your selfishness in bullshit claims of trying to protect your “job and finances” and being scary and afraid that your “child will be hurt” all you like, but that only makes you double the punk ass bitch. If you weren’t happy and satisfied your balls should have hung low enough for you to do it with integrity, tell the truth, leave and divorce over being a lying piece of shit for 9 years.

One Kind says:

July 4, 2009 at 12:51 pm

RG–OMG You are not serious.You don’t truly love the other woman. You’re in lust and you love your situation. The other woman is just convenient to you because true love make sacrifices and is not selfish. You would not find excuses not to leave your wife and marry her (i think we’ll grow apart, my finances, your job, etc) Do you work for your wife, do your wife support you financially, are you just a deadbeat, etc.

You are selfish and foolish as well as the other woman. You don’t really know her, you haven’t spent time with her to really know her. You say you want to marry her. Wow there’s another divorce waiting to happen. you couldn’t possibly know the true meaning of marriage. She just seem to be the perfect one because you given her all the answers to what you really want by complaining about all your wife doesn’t do and you’re afraid to see the real deal of your 20%. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I can’t really break it down to you like I want bc its the 4th and I have to spend time with my family and plus I’m not getting paid give you free counseling which you so desperately need.

July 6, 2009 at 8:44 pm

Two words: Steve. McNair.

July 6, 2009 at 8:52 pm

^ Not Cool.

De mayo says:

July 8, 2009 at 12:47 am

@Goldangel– that was perfect. Couldn’t have said it better myself!!I am one of the wife that was cheated on.

RG- you are the worst kind of bad person, because you actually think and believe you are good!. You have a justification and a reason for what you are doing. Wake up man! You are a liar, a cheater, a bad husband and a bad father! It will all come out in the end, trust me. When your kids are grown up, maybe when you have grand kids, maybe on your funeral. Whenever, but it will all come out. And that’s the legacy you will leave behind to your family…

Sabrina says:

July 14, 2009 at 4:57 pm

First…GoldAngel for president!

Second…RG, I hope that one day you man up and get a divorce because while you THINK you’re saving your family from hurt, do know that you’re hurting them each time you hook up with the other woman whether you (or your family) know it or not. Esp. if you truly love, honor and respect your Heavenly Father that you took vows before. Do you think He approves of this behavior? Be a man and set YOURSELF free…

Peace