The Red Dress
I had a dream one night where in front of a carnival mad house type mirror I put on a red dress three times and each time I would stand in front of a man whose back was turned so I couldn’t see his face. Coincidentally, the next day I had lunch with my sister and we discussed our relationships or lack there of with a few men. As we bounced stories off of each other, I found that she and I had been wearing the same red dress over and over again. Being in something we wanted to call a relationship but not truly receiving all of the components we so desired. My dream was showing me how I was putting myself through the same emotional let down with different men. Red is the color of judgment and the men with no faces; it’s obvious that I am subconsciously telling myself to look in the mirror and stop trying to turn away from the emotional damage I am doing to myself.
Here’s the deal I have had hits and misses but nothing to brag about. What I did realize talking with her was that we (some women) settle for the ideas of being in a relationship rather than having the full commitment from our mates that we want. For example, my “relationships” since I started having sex has been based on sex. When at some slight moment it could have been commitment it wasn’t before long that it would deteriorate into a convenient fuck fest to when he was available to late nights only. I have all too many times worn that same red dress and each time I felt the same emotional high and low.
There is something in me that find these limitations ok and appeasing when in reality they are shallow and demeaning. I can remember a few times when I dated and it was cool in the beginning but each time it turned into sex only. What’s more interesting is I’m ok with it until I want that intimacy on those nights when dinner and a movie would be perfect then I spiral down into anger and dissatisfaction towards him and I sulk in disappointment in myself.
I see a pattern of self-destruction and I wonder where did this come from. Why is it that my girlfriends have all experienced meaningful relationship and yet I have not? Are these lessons learned in childhood or teen years? I see how I settle for just enough to get me by to the next sexual want and/or intimate craving only to again put on the same red dress. I grew up around a lot of guys, but looking back I can’t recall a word of wisdom that would have put me on the right track. In fact, my brothers and male friends would listen and laugh at my sex stories right along with me. How was I to know I would be damaging myself in the long run?
Are fathers or father figures the people who are supposed to teach these valuable lessons? My sister shared a story of man who spoke to her years ago and enlightened her of her essence. “He said ‘that all women have an essence to them, it’s connected to their soul and to their heart and every time they allow a man to enter their bodies they give some of their essence away. After so many men the woman won’t have anything left to give to the one who was made specifically for her.’” She continued, “Men should have to work for a woman’s love. Men should earn the opportunity to be with us and we can’t be afraid to let him walk if he doesn’t meet our requirements.” How do you make him earn it if you don’t know what you’re worth? How do you find your worth? Is that where the father is supposed to be there to create standards for the men a young lady would need in future romances? Or is it based on trial and error.
At thirty-one I believe it is time to revamp myself. I think it’s important to begin by writing down what I want in a mate and what I will not tolerate. Next is for me to put me on a pedestal without looking back. Not having a father around is not an excuse anymore. I have great friends and strong women whom I borrow many of their qualities to perfect the person I want to be. Another important factor is shutting off the candy store. It is one of the most valuable parts of me and in order to fully love me I must stop giving myself away. Finally and most importantly, love myself unconditionally. Embrace my flaws and all of the quirks and kinks I have. These things make me unique and yes acceptance is the toughest job but at the end of day I feel beautiful. If I feel beautiful the world will see how beautiful I am.
Love self-first and everything else will follow.
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This is a great article and I appreciate your transperancy and insight. I definitely can hear your heart, and I just want to share with you that you are on the right track in recognizing you must revamp yourself. The first and most important step is truly realizing how much you are worth, not based upon the world or society’s standards, but GOD’s. Psalm 139:14 says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made…God created you and you must never forget that He loves you more than anything and wants the best for you. You may not have had an earthly father present, but please know your heavenly father is here to lead and guide you thru this revamping process. Keeping yourself is in His design because it is very true that when you sleep with someone, you are giving them a piece of you…I hope for all the best and growth in this area of you life and thank you again for sharing!!
Thanks so much for this article!
Beautiful article
Never a truer word spoken! Could I recommend a wonderful book for sistas who maybe going through something similar, it’s T.D Jakes ‘Promises from God for Single Women’. Much love x
Extremely personal and heartfelt. Thank you for giving a name to this condition, ” The Red Dress” and thank you for taking yours off. KUDOS!!!
Great article. Thanks girl!
Beautiful…!! I can’t say I relate to going out with men for sex but I truly get you with getting serious and then it all fizzles out!! I dedicated my life to my last relationship..however bad it got. I told myself…it;s gonna get better sometime soon. The sex was the best thing about our relationship…and yes my red dress was always at play (well black actually). Maybe for me it was telling the dark side of our relationship that needed to be buried.
Anyway thank you for the article and when you decide to give someone your body the next time make sure it’s someone you want to give a piece of you and they will cherish it!!
This is an excellent article! I sent a link to several single ladies that I think would and could benefit from reading this.
To the poster who recommended TD Jakes:
TD Jakes is a fake and a phony that will be revealed in time. It is time for Black Women to stop relying on these snakes in the pulpit for guidance.
No person has to go thru another person to have God reveal his presence. No man/woman or church holds the way to Gods knowledge/wisdom.
Angel,
Great article! I do believe that the way we deal with men comes from the teachings of our fathers. I also believe that you can find true love whether you grew up with you dad in your life or not. You are doing the right thing by closing the candy store. I would relaunch only when I knew that I had someone that is ready to love all of me all of the time and will prove that with committement. In my experience when you’re not looking for anyone and you’re just doing you, men flock to you.
Great article, Angel! I really enjoyed reading it.
Thanks everyone for your comments I really appreciate the feedback and support.
Arlice: I agree with finding true love no matter your upbringing, without that male role model keeping the relationship is a task because there are somethings girls must learn from their fathers as with somethings boys must learn from their mothers. But you are on point…stop looking and they’ll start flocking :)
Ft: I will for surely wait until he’s something I feel is right for me.
Shelly B.: You are so right, but having faith has always been a struggle for me. Even as I get older and am witness to Divine grace, I still find myself holding back. Work in progress honey. WIP-n myself together.
Thanks again.
Angel - Red is the color of power and you have it all to make the changes you want for yourself. Great article.
Even if we were left to trail and error in the absence of a good father for whateva reason, there comes a time like you said Angel, of reckoning when we must want better for ourselves, not be afraid to set standards, choose better, be willing to be abstinent(sp), develop the resolve to stand behind the standards we set for those whom we wish to love us and above all trust and believe in a higher power that only wants the BEST for each of us.
This is a great article, and the words uttered from the wise man to your sister, sound exactly like something my father (with all of his glorious wisdom) would say. Coming from a woman who has been single for various long periods of time, I know what it means to take a break, step back, and come to grips with what it is I truly need and want from the opposite sex. I haven’t really gained the confidence to go through with dating all over again, but when I do, hopefully this time off (again) has made me ready for what’s to come. This was powerful, expressive, and good advice…
Excellent Article Angel!! I love the introspect. You are wiser beyond your years.. =}
Wow! This article is so deep! It’s like you wrote this article specifically for me… I can definitely relate. I needed a reality check and this article definitely gave me one. Great job!
AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! WHAT A POWERFUL ARTICLE! I HAD TO FORWARD IT TO A FEW OF MY FRIENDS. THERE ARE SO MANY LADIES THAT CAN RELATE TO YOUR STORY. THERE HAVE BEEN NUMEROUS TIMES WHERE I HAVE SPOKEN TO FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH “DEAD BEATS” AND I WANTED TO SHAKE THEM TO DEATH AND SAY WAKE UP! DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME ON SOMEONE WHO IS NOT GOING TO VALUE YOU AND LOVE YOU FOR YOU! AND MOST OF US HAVE FELT VICTIM TO BELIEVING THAT ITS LOVE WHEN TURTH BE TOLD…ITS LUST! IF MORE WOMEN PUT MORE SELF WORTH AND SELF VALUE INTO THEMSELVES WE WOULD BE A POWERFUL SOCIETY OF WOMEN =)
EXCELLENT ARTICLE…THANKS FOR SHARING!