Feature

There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Single

Monday Feb 1, 2010 – By Aaron Turner

Over the past two years I’ve heard the same story about Black women still being single at age 30 – 38. One thing that brothers like me know is that women aren’t taking into account what’s really going on around them and with them. First of all, why are Black women in such a hurry to get married? Why the urgency? Is it because of the media? Is it because all the reality shows are about love? Is it because women want to have kids by a certain age? I don’t care what anyone says, you can’t force a man to be with you. If you do you set yourself up for failure. You never allowed him to form his own reason for being with you. Also, don’t desire a man just for the sake of having one. That defeats the whole purpose of a relationship. If you go this route the union will be based on a false ideal. ABC News Nightline asked the question: ” Why Are 42% of successful Black women single?” 42% of Black women having never been married who said they were looking for Black men earlier in their lives, are now open to interracial dating. Those women should have been open to interracial dating in the first place instead of limiting themselves to Black men only. It doesn’t matter who you marry or date as long as you like them and they like you back.

Side Note: There is proof to show that many White women get married younger than Black women. I saw it for myself in my “Oral Communications” class. We all had to get up and say a few things about ourselves and there were two white females and a white male who stated they were either engaged or already married. They were also in their junior and senior years. None of the Black students in the class talked about being engaged or married.

Things would be better if we hold back on affection like hugging and kissing as little as possible when we start relationships with the opposite sex. It keeps you from being distracted. This will allow you to get to know the person for who they really are instead of liking him or her for being a good kisser. There is nothing wrong with hugging and kissing. What I’m talking about is the tight grip hugs and the long drawn out kissing with tongue. It causes your mind to go somewhere else and we all know where that is. When you get deeper into the relationship, you notice things that you couldn’t see in the beginning when you were doing all the kissing instead of asking the questions.

People also have goals. The women in the ABC story were successful as well as attractive, but also very busy. They all had Bachelor degrees or were pursuing Masters and PhD’s. Who has time for a relationship when you’re pursuing things like this? I know I don’t. I personally would rather not have a girlfriend when just starting college because it’s just a distraction for me right now. Statistically, when guys have girlfriends in college they will come out with a low GPA, and the girl they were trying to impress the whole semester will have a 3.5 GPA. Then, the guy is looking around, feeling stupid and asking himself what happened.

So, what I suggest is if there is a guy you like, take the time to be friends first instead of jumping into an exclusive relationship. Although there should be some form of monogamy between the two of you, I encourage you to be patient. One more thing to keep in mind that men aren’t always going to say they like you. I think if women will simply let a man know they like him, he’ll be more likely to gravitate to you because he already knows for sure that you like him. I don’t mean be all over the guy, but you know sometimes girls should ask for a guy’s number or ask him out on a date. Women say they want a 50/50 relationship. Well, that’s part of it too.

My whole reason for writing this is to let black women know its okay to be single. Don’t be in such a hurry to get into a relationship and get married. It’s Okay.

Solgar says:

February 1, 2010 at 6:27 am

What is this ????

↑ Reply

February 1, 2010 at 7:25 am

This is carefully placed propoganda/mind control.

Mac says:

February 1, 2010 at 10:17 am

You know, I actually agree with him. I’m a single 23 yr old female, and I TOTALLY agree that there is nothing wrong with being single. I don’t get the rush either. A lot of women spend their earlier years looking for a man, which is just a waste of time. Be you, do you, and take care of yourself, and everything will fall into place when its time. Black single women are so whiny and annoying. (and yes, this is coming from a black single woman!)

dadory says:

February 1, 2010 at 1:27 pm

hmmm let’s see what you think about that in ten more years. those women on the CNN special were in their late 30’s and 40’s their is nothing wrong with them longing to be married with children.
Mac says:

February 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm

…In 10 more years, I still won’t be whining and complaining if I’m single. And I most definitely won’t be on anybody’s news special complaining about it. I mean, it’s not as if somebody’s dying…it’s being an older single lady, there’s obviously more IMPORTANT things that could be discussed than single black women. The media makes it a big deal, and I see that most women are just joining the pity party. It’s ridiculous.

Charlay King says:

February 1, 2010 at 11:01 am

The article is great and unbiased unlike so many other articles, books, and interviews. Don’t change who you are, be openminded, and if you have too much on your plate focus on the task at hand. A relationship is a wonderful thing once you get past the fairytale and in the reality of them anyway.

Ms. Hill says:

February 1, 2010 at 11:48 am

I have so many issues with this awful article. This author has no idea what it is like to be a woman let alone a black woman. Why don’t you write an article about the state of black men who are seemingly shy toward commitment? Why don’t you look objectively at the whole rather than trying to tell black women “Stop wanting marriage so bad and strive for great jobs.”

1) The author states:

There is proof to show that many white women get married younger than Black women. I saw it for myself in my “Oral Communications” class. We all had to get up and say a few things about ourselves and there were two white female and a white male who stated they were either engaged or already married. They were also in their junior and senior years. None of the Black students in the class talked about being engaged or married.

Where are you from? I am from a town with the majority being white. Most white women are MARRIED by a very young age. I have been invited to or attended at least 15 weddings since high school graduation in 2003-all of them were my white class mates. This is a qoute from the Washington Post in 2008:

“In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent.”

I am sorry but your class is not a representation of the country.

2) This is not about being single and LOVING IT! This is about the state of the BLACK FAMILY and families in general. Women can tell themselves all they want to that you don’t need a man (you don’t per say) and that you are fine all by yourself. But when the twilight of your life is rearing its head and you had to take yourself to hospital (as my single grandmother did lat week) or you don’t have a real family to come home to and share you LIFE with (as my mother does because I have moved away to another state) you will being singing another tune.

3) You are a man, a black man I presume. How dare you sit here with this half assed article and tell young black women to be OK being alone? How are you helping to keep black families alive? What example are you setting for young black men-many who are raised by their SINGLE MOTHER?

I am so tired of this “be a strong black woman” crap. Yes, it is great that so many of us can weather the storm and soldier on but why can’t we be with a loving man all the while? I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful man and we plan to get married when he is finished with school. Does this mean I am going to stop my dream of going to law school? Nope. Does this mean I am co-dependent? Nope. This is what feminism is all about-having the degree and the marriage license should you choose to do so.

Ladies, the end note of this article should read: It’s okay to be single until you are emotionally healthy and mature to wed. Don’t rush into a relationship with someone who is not ready to be a proper boyfriend and make sure that you are dating someone who values the same things that you do. If you want to get married and have a family do not settle for less because having a life partner and a family is just as commendable a goal as getting your Phd. Do not tell yourself that you can have a child on your own or that you will just have to be alone.

Follow all of your dreams and KNOW YOUR WORTH.

aaron says:

February 1, 2010 at 12:01 pm

i was simply trying to say that the media is putting to much attention on single black women, the article is really geared toward black women and men, I’m just simply trying to say just cause white women are getting married early there doesn’t have to be some kind of race to out marry white women.

also i wasn’t saying be single and love it or go after big careers, I was just saying sometimes it gets in the way for people, I’m saying It’s best to just be patient and wait for the relationship, instead of rushing in blindly
Brina says:

February 1, 2010 at 12:16 pm

I think you took this the wrong way.

Aaron was simply saying to take your time getting to know the guy(s) w/o all of the extras (hugging/kissing) that could distract you from getting to mentally know someone who could be a potential.

I see where you are coming from BUT I also know too (from some of my desperate girlfriends) that women want to jump from getting the guy’s number to a ring on their finger and not give it time to see what he could be about. IMO, that’s what leads to men shying away from relationships or disastrous relationships…no one should be pressured into something they are not ready for and that doesn’t mean where they are in their life…that means with the women THEY are trying to get to know as well.
isolde says:

February 1, 2010 at 12:27 pm

Aaron, you could’ve said all that without all the sexist, male privileged, tripe. This article is crap. Why do you think women who want to bear children would want to be married before 40? Who’s to say that those women in the ABC report didn’t have time for relationships because they had or were pursuing graduate degrees? Maybe they shouldn’t pursue higher education and remain ignorant so they won’t be so busy? You include this side note about white women marrying younger, but didn’t offer any explanations why. Assuming that these young white women are marrying intra-racially, is it because only white women want to marry young, whereas black women don’t, or is it because these white women were more likely to encounter men of their own race and socioeconomic background that were marriage minded?

Meah says:

February 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Great article!

aaron says:

February 1, 2010 at 1:23 pm

@isolde i wasn’t being sexist, i was trying to speak to both male and female audiences, i just put attention on black women because the media always tries play on women’s emotions

isolde says:

February 1, 2010 at 5:14 pm

I apologize for calling the article crap. It was rude. And no, you were being sexist, even if it was unintentional, but more on that in a minute. First of all, you seem to be conflating statistics. Does the percentage of never married black women equal the number of unmarried black women who were or are reluctant to date interracially? To hear you tell it, it does. And you certainly couldn’t have been referring to the women in the ABC piece because Jakene specifically said “White men never ask for my number,” and then proceeded to give an anecdote about how during a conversation, she sensed a connection with a non-black man, that went unrequited.

Second, this article is all over the place. Supposedly the point of this piece was to ease anxiety among black women about being single, right? So how does your “side note” help you accomplish that task? Cause nothing says “Chill-ax black women, being single is cool,” like side notes about their white contemporaries doing something that they may desire to do but for whatever reason cannot. You haven’t addressed my question about why these white women are more likely to marry young either. Did you include any information about how these young marriages among white women are less likely to endure in the long run or cite any evidence alleging that these white women who marry young are depressed and unhappy about their decision to wed at an early age? No, you didn’t. In fact, you didn’t give any previous or subsequent context for that aside, and it doesn’t do anything to support your argument whatsoever.

And though you may not realize, it is quite sexist to suggest or even imply that the women in the ABC piece are possibly at fault for not securing husbands because they are/were pursuing higher education. Whatever your intentions, if you knew how often women were threatened with “spinsterhood” and other such “tragedies” for attaining knowledge, you would have chosen your words more carefully. The reason why that may have escaped you is because of your gender privilege. “Who has time for a relationship when you’re pursuing things like this,” you ask? Unless you heard them tell you otherwise, or have had negative experiences with dating graduate students, then what reason have you to believe that such women can’t make time for relationships? It’s unfair of you to assume the contrary about these women simply because they are well educated and ambitious.

Leshia says:

February 1, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Loved the article. Made perfect sense to me!

erin whitlock says:

February 1, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Ms. Hill better PA-REACH! This article does nothing to sing the praises of single life. It is simply yet another example of how Black women are constantly being told to settle for less, strive for different goals, go without, sacrifice a bit more, and overall just not go after what you want. The “tips” stated herein do nothing to encourage me as a single Black woman nor reassure me that when I am ready to be in a successful, committed relationship, it will be well within my grasp.

There is a reason why so many young, non-Black women/men are married at disproportionate numbers to their AfAm peers. They are taught at a young age that sharing a life and building a family is a priority, and most importantly, it’s a tangible goal due to what they’ve seen around them. In many (if not most) cultures, marriage is highly regarded as one of the most important tasks one will take on in life. So instead of focusing on the problems we Black women have with “catching”/being too available for a man, lets figure out how Black men and women collectively got so far off track in working toward sustaining the Black family and culture.

erin whitlock says:

February 2, 2010 at 11:42 am

Just to be clear—I hope Mr. Turner did not take offense to my comments. I am not attacking him nor Clutch (I am a faithful reader and former writer/editor of the site myself! Shouts out to Dede!).

I agree with @TT — it takes a brave soul to share his/her honest thoughts with the world…especially on these mean Internet streets! What I am doing, is stating my grievances with articles that point fingers at one group instead of tackling the problem as a whole. I would go out on a limb to say that most people of dating age know that before you can truly settle down with someone, you must cultivate a friendship with them first. I don’t believe this to be the issue. However, if you are a Black woman of a certain age who wants to get married or form a serious relationship, what are your options? And furthermore, why are your options so (seemingly) limited? Aaron, I wholeheartedly believe there is nothing wrong with being single . . . that is, if being single is what you truly want.

We don’t always have to agree with everything, folks. And there’s nothing wrong with a little intelligent discourse every now and then. If anything, I thank Aaron for writing this piece. Perhaps now we’ll start to get to the root of the issue :)

Silas says:

February 1, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Wait! Did @Ms. Hill’s point #1 prove Aaron’s point or did I read her wrong? It seems as if she gave more backing to him stating that White women are married far more younger than Black women. I don’t know, help me understand the purpose of her pointing that statement out.

Secondly, I’m a single, 21-year-old Black male who was raised in a single parent (mother) home since the age of seven. My mother was very strong and had no interest in finding another man after my father died. True, a male figure in the household everyday may have proven vital in my life, my sister’s life, and my mother’s but with uncles and cousins we got along. My female peers say to me on a daily “I need a man.”, “I want to be in a relationship so bad.”, “What are ya’ll (as men) looking for?” Are you so ready to be in a relationship because you don’t know how to love yourself wholly all by yourself? Are you in need of a man because everyone else has one? These are the same of the questions I ask them because I, myself am not pursing a relationship right now. No, I’m not afraid of commitment I just know I’m not ready for one.

I don’t believe Aaron was taking the biased route and saying be single and pursue a career or be married and without a life. I believe he was saying, like the women on the ABC special, when pursuing a career it takes away time from women actually getting to know the men they are pursuing because they are so “busy”. Look at circumstances. Every situation is different. Also, you said an article should be written on the Black man’s lack of commitment… all circumstantial. Not every Black man is unwilling to commit. STOP putting that label on us (stereotypes perpetuate why the Black family is so torn down).

Once again this article is targeting women who are constantly being propagandized by the media who says “You NEED to be married with kids.” Aaron, is saying no you don’t need to be married with kids unless YOU and the partner you are pursing are ready to be. Don’t rush! I have young female cousins who have all rushed into relationships and/or marriages and have seen divorce and heartbreak as an after effect with the life-long present of children; successful women who felt they needed to be wed and with child but DID not.

Ms. Hill said “Follow all of your dreams and KNOW YOUR WORTH.” Exactly! That means not getting married or dating just because your girlfriends are doing it or because its “boo season”. Know when you are ready, not when someone tells you you are ready. I believe that is what “There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Single” is expressing.

Nneoma says:

February 2, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Yeah, I think Ms. Hill confirmed a lot of the points Aaron made in the article…that one, his cOral communications class IS representative of larger American society and that TWO, between the lines, i think Aaron was suggesting that you should focus on YOU rather than rushing into a relationship….

TT says:

February 1, 2010 at 4:09 pm

This article is not about staying single for life; it’s about not being desperate. There are plenty of beautiful well adjusted individuals who are single, and plenty of not-so-cute, but genuine people who are in a healthy relationship. This article just stresses the fact that we should not allow all this hype from the media to excite us to the point where we think constantly being in a relationship is a given; there are more single people out there than you think. Instead, Turner asks us to focus on what is at hand and without sweating relationships so much; we could find a significant other. Unless you want to falter in both areas like the fictional male student he mentioned. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be single at 40; I want a man, kids, and a home too. But such things don’t come by fishing, snooping and being desperate.

It was great to hear from a man’s perspective on things; knowing that men are thinking about this also gives me confidence. Also, if people are so against the article that they write page long responses, maybe they should write their own article and have others devote their time to criticizing it. Putting your name under a piece of controversial writing takes boldness. The writer is clearly intelligent and is from his own experiences. Feel free to respond, but don’t knock his work to pieces. This is Clutch, not other blogs; stay classy folks.

February 1, 2010 at 4:16 pm

@Solaris

Whoops, this is why we proof-read! My sentence should read “I am sorry but your class is a representation of the country.” not “I am sorry but your class is not a representation of the country.” I accept my FAIL at trying to be snarky.

I was trying to get across that this is happening all over.

February 1, 2010 at 4:20 pm

@ TT

I would love to write for Clutch-do you have any information on how I can submit my work?

Yes, it does take courage to write on a controversial subject. However, that courage comes not with be able to hit submit but being able to read what others think about your work. That is the point-to create a dialogue.

Clutch says:

February 1, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Hi Ms. Hill – if you are interested in replying to this piece or writing please email us @ clutchmagonline@gmail.com or info@clutchmagonline.com.

Best,

Dede

February 1, 2010 at 4:33 pm

@ Ms. Hill

email me at otbosede@gmail.com and I will give you more info.

likerain says:

February 1, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Wow. What crap. Just like one poster said, this is more of that interracial propaganda.

This article really didn’t have much to do with being happy single, it seemed more like, “Why do you want somebody? Did you know white people have better relationships? You should want a white person too or stay single.”

I’m telling you, by the time I’m 21, black pride will be GONE. Black love is pretty much out the window.

All these propaganda writers are like the Africans who helped the Europeans round up their fellow Africans for slavery thinking they were gonna get a pat on the head from the white man…only to get screwed in the end too.

um ok says:

February 1, 2010 at 5:23 pm

I don’t agree or disagree with this article, but I will say, the number of disrespectful comments on this post make me iller than the statements made.

Cant we all agree to disagree? Do we have to run around calling peoples hard work crap? WTH Clutch readers, show some respect!

@aaron. Don’t feel you have to defend yourself to every run post. I see this happen way to often on Clutch. Youre a writer, most of these cats can’t even spell or use commas properly. Suck your teeth and bare it, it’s all apart of the game my friend.

My2cents says:

February 1, 2010 at 6:05 pm

The “SBF issue” is multifaceted. There is no one voice or authority on the “issue”, especially NOT Steve Harvey, please if you have that book, burn it! lol And there is certainly not one complete answer. Every woman is unique in their journey to love.

Alice Walker said it best: “I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor it’s coming with all my heart” It’s time for us to honor love’s arrival by honoring and loving ourselves UNCONDITIONALLY. It is OK to want a relationship because we deserve love and it is worth waiting for. It is also OK to feel like we will never experience love and there is no hope. We are human and we experience a range of emotions and that is life.

I am a 24 year old SBF, HBCU & Ivy League educated, stable two-parent home (yes I like to toot my own horn BEEP BEEP, lol we have to do that sometimes ladies) who has never had a relationship. Yes I get discouraged every day but I keep trucking on because I do have a lot to offer.

I thought the article was helpful in some ways and I felt that it was lacking in other ways. Ms Hill: I know its frustrating and we are looking for answers but we need to look within and not attack anyone who has a different opinion than us.

Tisha says:

February 1, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Cosigning with Erin Whitlock…

I agree with some points made in the article like taking your time and not getting physically involved with a man too soon. However,as a whole I too feel like this article did not celebrate singlehood instead it only cosigns with what the media always tell single black women: to date outside the race and settle. I saw that ABC special and some of the women said that they are open to dating someone of another race but feel like it is still taboo to be with a black woman. I have no problem with interracial dating but also see no problem with black women wanting to be with someone that look like themselves. Honestly, no one is sending out memos encouraging non-black men to date black women or telling white woman not to pursue graduate degrees so that they wont be “busy”…im just saying. Aaron, I get your intentions but I think the issue is not about black women wanting to race with white women. Simply, we just want to have happy black families too. I look forward to more encouraging articles and news special on how we can fix and sustain our black family.

Clnmike says:

February 1, 2010 at 9:22 pm

I like were the author was going with this article but there was some loose ends in it.

1- I would take a stat like 42% with a grain of salt. I believe another clutch reader pointed out that those numbers included women who were divorced, seperated as well as widowed. In other words they had their chance and it went south.

2- It doesnt take into account that most people under 30 have no clue who the hell they are and have yet to reach where they want to be in life yet they want to hook up with someone who is equally as clueless. That is a recipe for divorce.

3- Makes the mistake of comparing black relationships to white relationships without taking the different is social economic backgrounds and how it shapes the perception and value of marriage.

4- No on has investigated the divorce rate of all those young white women who get married.

5- Doesnt take into consideration that black people must spend more time and effort in the rat race which takes time from a relationship.

6- Not enough perspective from black men. Despite it being written by a man this article falls under the “preach to the choir” writings that are popular when ever black men and women are involved. If black men are the “problem” then the questions should be directed to them.

But a good article none the less.

February 2, 2010 at 1:18 am

there will be a part 2

Alaina L Lewis says:

February 2, 2010 at 2:02 am

@ aaron, If you say it’s okay, well then I believe you man! : )

Naw, seriously though, I appreciate a different perspective on this whole single black woman debate. The decks always stacked on one side leaving no room to sway when the media gets ahold of this subject. We must always remember, the view looks different from everyones vantage point, so in speaking for myself I’ll say, it’s nice to see this argument through new eyes.

Can’t wait for part 2!

Paula says:

February 2, 2010 at 2:18 am

okay so anybody else noticing a theme here?

Being 30 + I wouldn’t take relationship advice from anyone 20 anything.

aaron says:

February 2, 2010 at 2:56 am

im very mature for my age, lol, seriously
Paula says:

February 2, 2010 at 7:03 pm

I appreciate that, but as a 31 year old that has no desire to have babies (yes I said babies) at 40 and with aging parents, my timeline is a little different.

And before anyone starts I actually am one of the ones that is committed to having children even if I never get married. I love myself too much to put my life on hold waiting for some guy to come around.

Sugarbee says:

February 2, 2010 at 5:20 am

Ok I loved this article! Maybe I think like Aaron (major kudos), but I completely understand his points.
I just think many of comments here aren’t a reflection on the writer’s work, bt on deep painful issues some people have. Why so much anger? If you are that passionate about it, please write a blog. And even so make it co
mprehensible for your reader.

Statistics are good sometimes Ms Hill, but I think Aaron was drawing from his own observations. I think that’s braver than throwing out numbers. Also, do consider that white women (and don’t smack me for this) are more open to marrying people from different races. Maybe I dont get it because I’m not in the US (South Africa) but why so much hype about black men? Does the the colour of his skin make him a better man? Cant I also say , ‘I want a good white/latino/japanese man in my life?’ My society battled for the freedom to date people from different races, and yet people here seem hell-bent against it…
Anyway what I’m getting to is that there are no hard fast rules about marriage. It’s a big decision and should’nt be rushed. So if black women still can’t find that good man, it must mean they are looking in the wrong places…

February 2, 2010 at 11:13 am

Some people, I really cannot understand.

They will acknowledge a problem that is attacking the collective by leveraging a sub-group (single black women) within the collective but then they put forward the, “do what is best for YOU” or “what’s most important is YOUR…” or anything relating to or with the word ‘fantasy ‘…..solutions that encourage individualism, encourage more fracturing and fatefully more division…..to be consumed and become a part of the very same society/power that will always by definition be against the group…..to destroy exactly what Clutch is all about.

*shakes head*

Love is a branch of politics; just like religion is really a branch of politics and we all know politics and power are synonymous. We know where we are in the world regarding power so I think it is tragic that we have our people who are either ignorant of this or betrayingly act against our true benefit regarding it.

You go to a good school, get a good job and then it is not the Afrikan American community who reaps the benefit in the end. Tragic. Isn’t it time we see that these systems are not built for the benefit for us as a whole especially when we engage with them passively and with the ignorance of the doctrine of integration or without a plan ?

There are some nations whose governments send their best students to study at the best universities in the world. When finished they return immediately to return the benefit to their nation. No surprise that now these nations are forecast to be the world’s next super powers. Getting Afrikan-Americans to think as a nation and orientate themselves so is like squeezing blood from a stone. The fear of a rebukal from Europeans is what I think is keeping them back. Still tied. I think most of them think they are European because they have been integrated into that supposedly superior reality and so feel no way to rebel against, negate away from, belittle, defame with impunity aspects of their true black/Afrikan identity. Identity confusion, fear or denial leads to no loyalty where it is truly needed.

I went to a good school and now approaching my 30’s I am still single but I see no reason to complain or rush anything. For me as a man I can execute my life plan over a longer period of time. I have to build strong, solid foundations in all aspects of life before I can think about taking on innocent and vulnerable children who will be totally dependent on me. I know exactly where to go to find the type of Afrikan woman I want when I am ready: the black/Afrikan progressive cultural groups (hopefully who haven’t been groped by Western feminism).

One thing I acknowledge is that as a young black person with letters after your name it doesn’t entitle you to anything, especially when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. A piece of paper or niche knowledge I feel is one thing but then extending the spiritual, cultural and historical reality that you belong to by working with someone else to grow that is something completely different far away from the education-career reality that belongs to this dying experiment called the United States of America.

Paula says:

February 2, 2010 at 6:51 pm

Thanks for your response. Your neocolonial reference is very real, and sadly getting past the indoctrination of the masses and on to the real issues raised by the topic is incredibly difficult.

Gabrielle, the Taj. says:

February 2, 2010 at 11:49 am

I love the discussion this article stirred; that alone made it worthwhile.

However, I don’t think I’m going to forgo graduate or professional school so that I’ll have idle time just in case my loverman comes along. :) I have white counterparts in law school who are in relationships, engaged, and married (Black as well, my mentor for one) so that “busy” excuse doesn’t really stack up against the reality of the situation. People will make time for each other if they want to, or at least come to an understanding about priorities. I’ve dated guys in graduate school and I’ve never had a problem.

I do agree about the interracial thing, Aaron. I don’t think Black women should look to other races as a last resort. Race is a social reality, but little else. I don’t mind dating outside of my “race,” I have and I will continue to do so if I have a connection with someone. But I can fully understand why people marry others with similar ethnic backgrounds. Its common ground. Its the same reason why you smile when someone says your favorite song is their favorite song, too. I also value the Black family, and I feel as though if people want to strengthen its ties, they shouldn’t be abused for that. We get enough dirt thrown at us, and no one can understand the realities of that like we can.

Nice feedback, ladies!

Solgar says:

February 2, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Re: ‘Race is a social reality, but little else’

I think that’s understandably easy to say when it possibly comes from a passive or even ignorant (don’t take it the wrong way) stance on the full details of our story and, richness and depth of our Afrikan identity and culture. The more I learn about myself the more I respect and cherish it and find it extremely difficult to compromise it in any way. There are sooo many wonderful thinngs to learn you will never have enough time !

I would say this is the same stance that magazines like Clutch take where your African identity is treated almost objectively, shallowly, something at a distance; it doesn’t pervade you entirely. I get the feeling from these outlets that it is not something that is encouraged to GROW organically from its ROOT/ESSENCE.

People from other backgrounds/cultures come into our communities and sell us the products we should be selling to ourselves and set up the businesses that we should set up for ourselves. The restaurants, gas stations, cornershops etc. All these come from the fact that these people are close and organised. Their identity, culture and history drives and informs their function.

Alexandra says:

February 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm

I ’somewhat’ agree with this article. You made some good points.
I’m sick of young women ‘worrying’ that they’ll never get married and have kids. Why do some women think they need that to feel complete? Whats so bad about being single?
I hate how media outlets like propagandizing these things.
All the sudden Black women are important now? I do agree that ‘racial preferences’ is whats keeping some of these complaining women, from getting what they want. But they just want to scare women into a frenzy, to get married. The ones who fall for the trick, will regret it in later years. Dont fall for the hype, ladies and dont rush into a relationship, cause the media wants to constantly report on it. They need to get out our anuses. Seriously…

They’re obsessed with our hair, they’re obsessed with our “marital status”, they’re obsessed who we want to date, they’re obsessed with our skin color. Ughh white media needs to stop !!

February 2, 2010 at 1:22 pm

And do some people care to think that some Black women don’t want to be married to a man? no matter his complexion?
There’s a lot in that percentage that’s being left out. When did all Black women become straight? What of the Black lesbians? Bisexuals? How much do they make in that 42%?
That so-called news special was dumb as hell. If they wanna research Black women, they should do it well.

sloane says:

February 2, 2010 at 6:14 pm

“I just think many of comments here aren’t a reflection on the writer’s work, bt on deep painful issues some people have.”

Ok . . .

“Why so much anger?”

Probably because this article isn’t any different from the bill of fare it professes to challenge or refute. I can’t help but laugh at some of the backlash over the criticism (Um Ok, Sugarbee, others), as if most of the disparaging comments haven’t been bolstered with intelligent analysis deeper than that of the original work itself. Maybe I’m desensitized to the word “crap,” but in my experience when people use the word “crap,” it’s used as a more genteel, classy, and respectful euphemism for the word “sh!t.” As people stated earlier, this article is chock full of half truths, random, scratch your head in confusion types of facts (Side note), and other silliness. I’ve read this article something like three times now, and call me crazy, but when an article is titled “There’s Nothing Wrong with Being Single” I expect to read about why there’s nothing wrong with being single. The title this piece is misleading because the article addresses everything but that.

Knock Steve Harvey, if you want, but he didn’t come across sounding moronic in the Nightline segment. It may have just been how the report was edited, but his criticism was even handed. On the one hand he said that maybe the older generation of black men didn’t do enough to mentor the younger generation, and on the other hand he told the women that some of their expectations may be unrealistic (“You make 150K a year. He has to make 150K or more?”) I agree with people taking it slow and not rushing into things. That’s always good advice. I also agree that it’s nice to hear the male perspective on this issue, but this is not a great effort (I’m being polite), and quite frankly I don’t know who’s more to blame, you (Turner) or your editor for putting you out here like this.

Goldenah says:

February 2, 2010 at 6:35 pm

White women have responsible, working and family oriented men to choose from.

Sia says:

February 2, 2010 at 6:47 pm

This article brought Clutch’s male readers out of lurkdom!!! LOL

Miss Mack says:

February 3, 2010 at 12:11 am

i agree with you 100% i’m only 19 and I already understand everything your saying very well.. i’ve only been in one relationship and that was almost 2 years ago.. and like you were saying.. its better to wait if your in college..pursuing a career etc, and not feel like u NEED a man to “complete you” or JUST BECAUSE everyone else has one..well written :)

February 3, 2010 at 1:40 am

Hello, Solgar.

Coming from a person who’s studied African and African American studies for years, including on a collegiate level, I understand the importance, the diversity, and the depth of the continent and the reality faced by the children of its diaspora. I acknowledge the experience of African Americans as a double consciousness – that race is the most powerful and influential social reality in existence; but that is where it ends. What I meant by that statement is that race is a man-made social construction with no scientific basis. With that being said, if you allow something that is as invalid as race to deter meaningful relationships with others, I believe there is a problem. I believe you are confusing the importance of ethnography and cultural foundations with race. All peoples considered Black are not ethnically synced.

My comments are only my opinions and not a reflection of Clutch Magazine.

Respectfully,
Gabrielle.

Solgar says:

February 3, 2010 at 7:50 am

I feel that studying something rather than doing it or, for me personally, being born into it and living it are two different things. The study of it just objectifies it and renders it to something which is easily dispensable. It is not integral to your being because it has not been an organic part of your own growth process and life experience.

I don’t feel we are obliged to have ‘meaningful relationships’ with anyone or are we being held at gun point to do so. Again, taking a personal and unobjective view we need to turn the focus on ourselves and be involved in a living, breathing, organic process of changing our story by hunkering down and doing some serious work with ourselves. We need to take responsibility of and act relative to what has been our story and reality.

Other peoples throughout the world, and those in America who are reaping what they can for their people whilst they can, are not waiting for acceptance, approval or some coming into being. They are not waiting to or falling head over heels to have ‘meaningful relationships’ with other people. They are there and they are doing it. They are doing what they can whilst they can for themselves and clearly do not see a ‘problem’ is doing so. We even support them and their businesses.

Some of these peoples are set to become the world’s next super powers.

I would be suspicious of efforts to emphasis cultural or ethnic differences among Afrikans. A single continent wide constitutional system existed throughout Afrika.

February 3, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Um, ok, sloane..haha! Just a note – in conversations people may digress, its natural. LOL

But I agree, some things said are not relevant to the article. Which brings me back to the personal issues I was talking about. Then again, I may be thinking too simply… there are many factors that come into women deciding when or with whom they’ll start a family with.
Either way, Im with Alexandra with her comment, “They’re obsessed with our hair, they’re obsessed with our “marital status”. The media fuels a lot of fear – because this is what this boils down to – which makes women think it really isnt ok to be single. A women may think “Im 40+ and single, I cannot be loved!” And the fact that said woman has a PhD doesnt seem to matter so much anymore…THAT is a big problem in my view. It seems to be an inverse to the role women (of all races) are trying to establish in today’s day and age.

chiffon*kisses says:

February 3, 2010 at 3:56 pm

this article & comments make me wanna go home and kiss my fiance and tell him much I love & appreciate him.

being single sux lol

Ticia says:

February 3, 2010 at 7:28 pm

On to next one

February 3, 2010 at 8:00 pm

Definitely respect your opinion, Solgar. You bring a different view to Clutch that we appreciate, and I hope this article does not deter you from continuing a positive relationship with Clutch. :)

All in love,
Gabrielle

Lala says:

February 4, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Oh to be young…

As someone who used to think the same way at 21-25, I understand why it may come off as whining to some. I thought that life was planned a certain way and when I was good and ready, I would marry and have kids. At 29, that is not so certain now. I resent the fact that people say things like ” what’s the big deal, or why do you feel you need that to be complete?” I prefer not to be 45, sitting at home by myself…and so what?
Not to say that your life cannot be filled with other things, such as volunteering, religion, work, etc, but I want to have a family. I don’t consider that whining or longing for something that is out of reach. As you get older, your priorities shift and superficial things like fly clothes and material objects become less important.

I respect the author’s opinion, but I don’t think you have the right to tell someone else what kind of approach they should be taking to their life.

Margo Harris-Lockhart says:

February 4, 2010 at 11:07 pm

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being single just like I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a spouse.
Young love should be celebrated. There are hundreds of couples who supported one another through college and grad school. Stories of young love that have stood the test of time.

There will always be statistics that show 40% this and 25% that…I always ask myself, how are the other 60% or 75% doing?

I’m personally tired of “them” labeling single Black women as having some type of problem. Making them a villain of sort, a societal puzzle that needs to be solved, or else!
Maybe they aren’t married because of this or maybe they aren’t married because of that…Maybe they aren’t married because they simply are not married.

I would also agree with a poster that the article is a bit sexist. why can’t a woman safely enjoy her sexuality while singe? Explore who she is sexually with men, as we encourage bachelors to do in this society? Why, would one(not just the author) suggest that a healthy sexy vibrant woman in her twenties not party, hang out and enjoy safe sex in between classes or semesters?

I’m a married woman of two children who has lived on both sides. I ENJOYED being single therefore I can ENJOY being married. I think this is the message to young Black professionals.
HAVE FUN!!!!

February 6, 2010 at 2:52 pm

There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship (bf & gf, Fiancee, marriage) Just don’t do it for the wrong reason. If you are single at any age don’t try to force anything just be patient, the right person will come along.

February 7, 2010 at 3:00 am

a mess.

chickens shouldnt give flying lessons.

who authorized publishing this tomfoolery lol…..

IN ALL THINGS CONSIDER THE SOURCE. some people don’t know any better because theyve never experienced better or even lived long enough to know better. Listening to a single person on any kind of relationship advice will keep you just like them: SINGLE.

don’t take the bait.

lol @ single people not even of legal drinking age giving marriage advice. sit down.

Elle says:

February 8, 2010 at 1:21 pm

No offense, but that sentiment is a little ridiculous. Of course single people can comment on relationships. I am 26, single and have had long term relationships (4+ years), and see nothing wrong with being single. One of my biggest pet peeves with my female friends is when they have conversations about how they want to be married by the time they are 30 so they can start having kids. I don’t think it’s healthy, practical or realistic to place timelines on your life initiatives when you are not the only party involved. People should want to get married/have kids because they have found someone that they want to be with, not so they can check off a life goal box.

And while I agree with some of what Ms. Hill is saying, I don’t think people should strive to get married and have a family so they don’t have to be alone or take themselves to the hospital when they are older. True, it is easier to have someone later in later, but for me that isn’t a good enough reason to go off looking for a mate and possibly making a bad decision. Everyone is different, which is why these stories/reports are silly to me, as a whole. Just depends on where your priorities are.

Miss Honey says:

February 7, 2010 at 4:01 am

Ok, so the numbers are surprising. But ladies, are we really surprised? Black women have been asking for years why all the “good” black men are in jail, or gay.. Time to stay focused on yourself and God.

Ahmad says:

February 8, 2010 at 5:41 am

Great article. It is refreshing and true without all of the psycho-babble. It may not be what a single woman wants to hear but perhaps it is what she needs to hear. So often forums on relationships are stacked with married guys playing to the audience or with frustated women who want to know what men are thinking. Here is we have raw unfettered truth and I think that at least y’all should listen to what has just been shared and go from there.

Solgar says:

February 10, 2010 at 8:27 pm

No.

Abbie Brown says:

February 10, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Aaron sparked up a good conversation on such a clearly touchy subject. I really felt he meant no harm, just a little inspiration to the ladies out there who are on the man-hunt. It’s okay to be single–always. There are women out there who believe that every man they meet is “the one” and that is just not the case. Those women need to fall back. There shouldn’t be any sense of urgency to be in a relationship. It will happen when it happens. In the mean time, enjoy being single. It’s a lifestyle, not a desperate state of feeling lonely and depressed.

shadensummer says:

February 11, 2010 at 5:51 am

My 1st reaction to this was…”WHO IS THIS DUDE!!!?” and WTF age is he? gotz to be young and dumb as all HELL!!! for one, young brutha… whites and other races are married or engaged at young ages because they are taught that monogomy is priceless and the right thing to engage in. they are groomed to be family oriented and WE (blacks) in more ways than none are NOT even addressed with the perspective of having a successful and promising relationship, thatz whether we’re just sitting at home on our lazy asses or in corporate America making the big bucks. Our culture has deminished the thought of committment and it is being bred to conquer and destroy by any means. Along with your foolish input, there are soooo many others who truely believe that LOVE can not and will not persist in the BLACK home. NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE INCLUDING YOU WANTS TO BE ALONE!!! And we are NOT supposed to be. Man needs woman and Woman needs man… to breed, to live, to LOVE. I suggest you rethink your strategy and reconsider what the outcome should be. AND GROW THE “F” UP!!!

Christie says:

February 24, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Aaron! As much debate that your article started means that you touched on some sensitive parts of our awareness. So, hats off! Even though I might not agree with everything but such is life. I’m happy that you were trying to communicate to us women that it’s ok to be single. It’s ok to take yourself out of the pressure cooker. However, I had to comment on some of the responses.

The white man has been brainwashed with monogamous ideals–complete Bullcrap! Did some forget all the unfaithful slave owners, all the white CEO’s who have jumpoff’s on speeddial (so many scandals– so little writing space), all the white wives who just either learn to swallow the bitter pill or abandon ship?

I’m just saying, as one who has taken a lot of time to understand black culture among different ethnic groups.The point we have to remember is, that the state of what is now is a amalgam of several revolutions. From the feminist revolution to our emancipation as full participants of society to the internal disintegration of “family”. Women now are taught that we should strive to have it all, be equal and be well off on our own. There’s nothing wrong with that! And as members of a minority we strive even harder within our own society to earn the respect that was not given to our ancestors as equal contributors to this country. I think that strongly resonates within the black women’s psyche. As we have seen our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and so on-have to care and be the head of the household, a certain thought pattern was borne. Yes, the Caucasian race hasn’t had to deal with all this and since we are a minority, it’s SO MUCH easier for us to be put under the microscope and outlets in turn make sensationalist claims about our state of companionship.

Ms. Jackson says:

March 14, 2010 at 5:37 pm

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE! The truth is that not EVERY black woman is screaming “Woe is me because I’m not married.” I’m single with no children (not planning on having any) so being single doesn’t bother me. You have to learn how to be alone before you can learn how to be in a relationship. My marital status doesn’t define me…my heart does. I love to give back to my community and do good things for my friends and family. I am currently pursuing another degree, so I honestly don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. If the right person comes along, so be it. If not, oh well. I’ve seen firsthand what destruction certain mentalities cause in people. Nearly every woman in my family has been abused, cheated on, or left to raise children alone because they didn’t have the confidence or patience to wait and be alone for a while. I’ve broken several negative cycles in my family, so I decided I could break this one, too.