Those of us in the know, know that love knows no color, no income minimum, height requirement, or educational background. However, for those of us who choose to date outside of our race, we are often the subject of intrigue and ridicule by our friends, family and general bystanders who feel the need to remark as loudly as possible, “You wouldn’t never catch me dating and kissing no white man!” To borrow a few of the words of our greatest national treasure, Miss Aretha Franklin, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

That’s a good segue into my story, because never in a million years could I have honestly imagined I’d end up with a white man. A lover of all things black men, and a childhood spent ogling the sexiest of the sexy on Video Soul, including Donnie himself — I saw my beautiful Black family fall victim to a drawn out divorce as a kid, and became vigilant to one day have a resilient and unfaltering Black family of my own. As I got older, I clung to this even more, realizing white boys served only two functions in life, face and cake. Beyond that, I was insistent no white man could ever really understand me for the intelligent yet, complex woman who existed at my core. More importantly, they could never relate to my struggles, for self love, acceptance and identity in a Eurocentric society. My narrow view of white men limited them to a good time and nothing more, certainly nothing worth taking seriously. I knew it was a strong brotha who would be the missing half, that would make us together a whole.

Yet, as I began to seriously consider leaving the playing field to settle down with my brown sugar boo, I found it was the brothers who were missing something. For every woman it’s different — the one component we are not willing to compromise on, a fatal flaw if you will. For some it’s a job, a self-esteem, a degree, but for me it was simple willingness to want to settle down, to commit. During this time I dated some of the most fabulous Black men the city of Atlanta had to offer: successful, sexy, charming, well-endowed. But sometimes, indulging in the honey pot makes you wake up and realize you want maple syrup. It seemed, for one reason or another, that they all had an explanation for why they were just not yet ready to settle down. I’m willing to admit, maybe it was me. Perhaps a fearless ambitious woman who knows what she wants, including a family, was too much for the new millennium Black man to handle.

So by chance I accepted a dinner invitation from a long time friend, we’ll call him Steve. Steve and I had gone out on a date before, but I was so uncomfortable and worried who might see me with this white man, I couldn’t enjoy myself. Steve had even tried on previous occasions to tell me that he liked me, but I was so busy chasing some Black boy who wanted nothing to do with me I couldn’t even feign interest. Plus, Steve was my honest-to-God friend. I just wasn’t sure how the “I can’t date you because your white” rationale would have went over. So I stopped returning his emails and went into hiding for two years.

However, I digress.

A chance meeting at a night club led to our first official date. Since then, I’ve been living on cloud nine. I had found my Dr. Feelgood.

Yet, the cadre of brothers, who back then didn’t want me, now had a lot to say. Most of it to the tune of, “how come you and I never worked out?” Meanwhile a good portion of my girlfriends (while also taking a left down hater avenue) had questions like, “whats it like with a white dude?“, “I’ve never seen you so happy, what has this guy done to you?”, and my personal favorite, “he’s cute, does he have any friends?

As expected, my biggest concern was the reaction of my family, seeing as my father forbade us to attend my cousin’s wedding when she chose to marry a white man. Then there was my mother who had admonished me on more than one occasion as a kid growing up to stop thinking that I could act like those “white folks”. In a startling surprise twist of fate my family loved him from day one. Steve is now my Dad’s favorite drinking buddy. My mother, grandmother and aunts all took to him immediately. They were duly impressed by the way he treated me and ironically enough, were each still nursing their own bitter wounds left from Black men who left them with a house full of children to raise and no emotional or financial support in the wake of their departure.

Let me be clear. By no means am I attacking brothers. If you want to play the field until you are 40, that’s your prerogative. In fact, this is an all-out attack on my sista-friends and our ridiculous refusal to look for love outside the realm of our own race. It doesn’t have to be a white guy; I am imploring you to cross the cultural barrier and date an African, a Mexican man, yes, even an Asian man! So many of us are looking for love, yet if it ain’t Boris, Idris or Will Smith, we are not interested. There are men of all colors and backgrounds who have something to offer. If you know in your heart that you are a passionate, loving woman who brings some strong credentials to the table, why not try reaching out to the other side?

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  • CrimsonMoon

    “As enlightened as black women who marry white men say they are, their words tell a different story. They reveal a deep seated self-hatred that is still telling them that white is right, black get back.”

    WOW. That’s a bold assumption to make. My close friend recently started dating a white man, after ending her 7 year-going nowhere relationship with a black man. She is an absolutely beautiful dark skinned woman who pretty much dated black men her whole life with maybe the exception of 1 white guy beforehand who was a close friend. I’ve known her for 10 years and if there’s any “self hatred” there, I haven’t seen it. I’ll ask her what she thinks about this assumption and post back.

  • chloe

    That’s fine Crimson, just make sure you present the statement in context instead of pretending that you didn’t notice the rest.

    [quote]”As enlightened as black women who marry white men say they are, their words tell a different story. They reveal a deep seated self-hatred that is still telling them that white is right, black get back. How else can one explain the multitude of “why my white man is better than all those no good triffling black men” articles? It can’t be explained away as bitterness stemming from heartache as white men have had their hearts broken by white women too. What makes black womens bitterness different is that it’s wholly focused on skin color. Where a single, bitter white woman will say that no good men exist, a single, bitter black women will say that no good black men exist.

    We focus on race because of internalized racism…a pattern not seen in white relational conflicts as race isn’t considered a factor. Our experiences are clouded by this to the point that we can’t talk about dating white men without degrading black men and that speaks volumes.”[/quote]

    I have no problem with black women dating whomever they want, I just find it telling and unfortunate that they, as opposed to their white counterparts, feel the need to demean black men in the process. Given the numbers of white men involved in interracial relationships versus black women, I’d expect more balance. Granted, if a white male married to a black woman did pen a diatribe blaming white women for his past relationship failures, I doubt if any mainstream white publication would print it. They have a vested interest in preserving and promoting the white family unit as the ideal. To exalt a black women at the expense of a white woman is taboo in white society. It’s an unspoken caveat that even the “Steves” of the world respect. They don’t justify their dating choices by degrading their mothers, sisters and daughters and reducing them to stereotypes which although commendable, is expected given that they aren’t socialized to view each other the way that we are socialized to view each other.

  • lexibugg

    wwant to hear something ironic, i never felt some comfortable in my own skin, and happy just as i am until i met and married my husband. he loves and understands me more than anyone else ever has, ever!! he grew up with his mother on a reservation in eastern washington, and was the only white child in the community, he understands what is like to be ostricized, and hated for simpliy being who you are, for having a different skin color. his mother started a black history week and taught the kids about their culture, and african american culture before MLK had a holiday or there was a black history month. i remeber whe i cut off relaxed locks even though they rested comfortably between my shoulder blades, and he was so suportive and happy for me, because he saw and understood the stress and pain being conflicted about my hair caused me. he loves my curl, nappy hair. i used to hide from to sun out of fear of getting darker, now i feel free to lay out in the sun and acumulate as much excess pigmentation as possible, and he sits by and watches the sun sparkle and reflect off of my skin. his family is very loving and welcoming. every summer week visit his dad and step mom at their lodge, last summer we camped and hiked in the Walouwa mountain on the orgeon idaho border. my family love him, especially my little brother, he’s autistic and ever time he see a white guy he thinks his my husband, and he says “is that my brother in law.” my point is that it is possible for you to be in an interacial relationship, and not have it be an issue. the only people that have a problem with it are usually black. i can’t tell you how many time me and my former boyfriend were out on the town and ignorant black men would blatently disrespect him, by trying to talk to me as if he wasn’t there, or black people would say things like stay away from those devils. Older black people obviously not from the northwest stare, they must be accustomed to seeing black men and white women, but not so much the contrary. my issue with black men stem from child hood, not because of self hate, or internalized racism, if you are subjected to repeated rapes, molestation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, witness one uncle literally pimp,degrade,demean, and another procreate with multiple women then play mind games and pit them against each other, as if he ceasar over seeing the gladiator of the colosseum, and this was all before the age of nine, you would be alittle hesistant to welcome the(perceived) monster into you bed,heart,etc. then i meet my father for the first time, and lets just say my nickname for him is adolph, and i am sure he is a sociopath but i guess thats a result of watch his dad shot his mother in the head as a child. the two years i spent living with him left me suicidal at eleven. i tried to O.D on painkillers, drink oven cleaner, listerine, and slit my wrist with scissors, and i also had some lil’ punk call me a charcol bricket everyday of the sixth grade.say what you will but,its opperant conditioning. the same part of you brain that controls your fight or flight response, and the developement of anxiety disorders. if you experience something unpleasant, be it a social interaction, a food allergy, or being attacked by a dog, you brain is going to take steps to protect you from harm,or what it perceives as a dangerous situation this happened while i was still a child and i only recently fully realized it. but that not why i am with a white man, thats just why i am not romanticly involved with a black man i am with my husband because he makes me happy, we love each other, we are best friends, but he just happens to be white. i have dated a guys from panama,tonga,the philipines, various parts of asia, even a native from Barrow, Alaska. i also grew up in a very diverse family, there was never any stigma surrounding whites or any one else,my great grandfather was irish, my mothers father was quapaw, and all of my uncles children are mulitethnic, as well as my aunts!!! i have never in a predominantly black neighborhood, so maybe that has something to do with it as well, then again maybe i am just of a different generation and i may live in a different region of the country than most of the other posters??!?!?!!!!

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  • Kamaria

    Mike, you really do need to shut the fuck up and keep it moving. I am all for people honest opinions and insight but yours lack intelligence, humility and understanding in spades. You need to do yourself and everyone on here a favor and stop while your behind. You’re only making a good point and reason as to why black women need too date outside of their ethnic group asap.