200513383-004Indulge with me as I embark on a soliloquy, a stream of consciousness if you will, to try explain away contemporary maleness that masquerades as responsible behavior. When I go into the grocery and into the meat section, my inspection eye is activated. I am discriminating, only picking the best quality of meat that I can, in whatever size I want. There are a variety of beef to choose from and I like mine a certain way.

It is here where the conversation shifts to the main point, a salient fact that is known by every woman and understood by every man: Men love assets. What’s our deal? What planet are we from? Why do men generally view women as a piece of meat? Want to see something funny: Stand with a group of guys while they are conversing and notice the nonverbal cues and their facial contortions when any female walks by. Hilarity. It doesn’t matter what they’re talking about: sports, family, the North Korean nuclear threat, whatever. Heads will turn and enact what a friend of mine, John Richards, calls The Domino Effect. He pointed this out in a very indicting missive a couple of years ago. He probably doesn’t even remember it, but I do. Below is a passage from that piece:

So many of us men have learned the behavior of the infamous domino syndrome or head turn. That’s one of the complaints that I hear from many sisters nowadays. They hate to walk by a group of men. Because they feel like every male in that group is going to do what has been characterized as “what men do”. That is, look at her butt when she passes by. And these are women who don’t wear provocative clothing, so the provocative clothing argument does not carry weight.

It’s an complex phenomena, where the root is untraceable and the end is unforeseeable. And you know what? The chick doesn’t even have to be a looker. A good asset will turn even the most beauty-challenged females into objects worthy of capture to men. Is this an inborn trait or something that is acquired through the perverse inclinations of society?

Like Sir Mix-A-Lot, I cannot lie. I fall prey to this too. Every serious girlfriend I’ve had has boasted some worthy assets. I tell myself that that singular trait had nothing to do with it, that these women all had cerebral qualities that attracted me to them, but I’d make Geppetto proud if I fully believed that. As much as I’d like to think that I’m not a pawn of culture, the truth of the matter is that in some respects, we are all very much pawns. Coming to grips with that is the best way to overcome it. Then on second thought, I’m not even sure I want to overcome it; maybe that’s why I wrote this piece some time ago, to convince women to embrace thickness for our viewing pleasure.

The anatomy of the female body is a beautiful piece of art. Nobody would dare disdain the aesthetics of van Gogh or Warhol, just as a man (or woman in some cases) wouldn’t shun the beauty of a female shape. To do that would make me somewhat of a masochist, and aside from watching Fox News occasionally, I’d like to keep my self-loathing to a minimum. But I wonder: Has there ever been a woman who I’ve played to the left because of that extra piece of flesh sticking out from behind? I’m pressed to think of one personally, but I do know many men who have turned down what they call “stick figures” and went after “the fine piece of ass.”

And that’s where it goes wrong.

I know what it is. Sex. It’s always about sex. A big booty is more handy in the horizontal world than the vertical.

To call that thinking shameful is too easy and to write it off as human nature is too enabling. It is merely a result of a value system that is out of whack. What do you value in a relationship more: eye candy or mind candy? Physical titillation or intellectual titillation? Something time-traveling, rhyme javelin or mind unraveling or curvaceous pleasure that struggles to sustain with the passing of time?

Both can be had, but that’s a delicate line. Us men…we aren’t that delicate. We tend to choose sexual “stability” over any other kind of stability. When do we ever get things right the first time? In theory, the attractive intellectual type is what we call wifey material. But as soon as wifey material is had, the voluptuous one still turns heads.

Ever catch a married man do this? A dismal sight indeed. If I received a nickel… you know where this is going. Black men are fighting hard to maintain a monopoly on this involuntary motor skill. There are some of my Caucasoid and Asian and Hispanic brethren who like it thick, but black men got it bad.

Women, here’s a simple test: When you first meet a man, on your first date or whatever, walk in front of him for about six seconds…then quickly turn around. If you catch his eye scramble to meet your eye, then you got one afflicted by The Domino Effect. This isn’t something that should automatically disqualify him, though it is something to not forget. I know what you’re thinking now. “If he is prone to look at other women, he is definitely not a guy I want.” But fret not, he can be salvaged.

It’ll take something akin to rehab to do so, but it can happen. In the meantime women, you have to fend in a world where men try to stack on the assets and limit their “liabilities”. Perhaps this is why men dominate Wall Street. After all, it is our love of assets that got us into this economic quagmire in the first place.

Check out the video below and pay special attention to the 2:00 mark. Check out the toddler. Nature or nurture?

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