This piece is satirical. The contents of the following text are not true in any shape or form. Any resemblance to any real-life story is strictly a coincidence. Thanks, Management.
In an unprecedented moment Saturday evening at the University of Ohio, President Obama called for teachers’ salaries across the nation to be raised 50 percent, effectively immediately.
Educators are unhappy about the proposed legislation, however, calling it another means for which the commander-in-chief seeks to expand his power. The proposed legislation is the highest teacher pay increase ever, said Obama.
“I’m just saying, he wants to keep spending money,” said Emmanuel Parker, a Florida high school teacher for 30 years. “If he wants to spend money, that’s fine. But we won’t take it.”
More than 400 educators from around the country were present for Obama’s historic speech, which elicited many loud groans and even some guffaws. The president stated, “for far too long, teachers have seen the short-end of the payroll stick.”
“How can we expect to increase the performance of the school system when we pay them like amateurs,” Obama said. “It’s time to start using private sector practices to enrich the public sphere. A dollar spent by the government today is the key to millions of dollars generated by our economy tomorrow.”
Cries of “Black Hitler” and “Stalinism” were heard from the audience as President Obama expounded on his plan, stating pay increases will add to the growing trillion dollar budget in the short term, but will decrease it in the long run.
Nat Richards, staunch Republican author of three best-sellers, including “Curricula Laissez-Faire: No Thank You,” said that Obama’s “plan is a part of a diabolical scheme to control the schoolteachers” with money so that the government can keep growing.
“It’s ridiculous,” Richards said. “I understand a bailout every now and then, but raising teachers’ pay that much is just loose spending. He wants complete dominion and I can’t imagine a more insidious motive for a president. Ever.”
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan came to the podium afterward and took on questions from the audience, but not before launching a caveat.
“It seems from the president’s speech that many of you all are anxious about the manner and methods in which this legislation is to be passed.” she said, “I ask that you be respectful and brief in your questions, because we want to answer many of the concerns you have today.”
Under the new proposal, the average teacher’s salary would rise from $38,220 to $57,330, said Duncan.
The first question came from Stu Peder, a fourth-grade teacher from nearby Akron. He wanted to know how the Obama administration could afford to take on such a task with “so many agendas pending.”
“It seems as if he’s biting off more than he can chew,” Peder said, to a rousing applause. “Teachers don’t need your money! We do it for the love of educating children, not money.”
“Sir, what is your question?” Duncan cut in.
“I don’t have a question,” Peder responded. “I just want to yell loud enough to make The Daily Show.”
For his unusual moment of candor, Peder was escorted out by security. 13 people yelled in protest of the teacher’s removal.
Ohio Republican Party Spokesman John McClelland denied that Peder and others were sent on behalf of the GOP, but stated that Obama’s plan to pay teachers more is beyond his scope of duty as president.
“Our tax dollars should be more precious than just delving them to teachers who may not be deserving of them,” said McClelland. “Surely the president has better use of his time than this.
“This is just another example of the violation of our constitutional rights,” said Cary O’Toole, one of the 13 protestors. “That’s exactly why I have a gun right here.”
O’Toole then lifted his shirt above his belt-buckle to reveal what appeared to be a .22-caliber revolver. Asked what carrying a weapon has to do with Obama’s speech, O’Toole said that “gun-toting is the American way.”
“Nobody should worry about us though,” he added. “People should worry about the hooligans in the street carrying them illegally. They’re the real problem.”