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is098q2xpThese are the top ten reasons within in our control why we are single. This list was compiled based on conversations with several black women of color:

1. Unconsciously you don’t want to be in a relationship

I am sure you have heard the old adage, “Be careful what you wish for you might just get it”. In the past, all the things you truly wished for, chances are that most of the time you received it or something of its likeness. Just as you can control your mind to give you something, sometimes unconsciously you have negative energies on your mind which render alternate results. For instance in terms of wanting to be in relationship, you tell yourself, “I am lonely and I want a man, but I don’t have time for a man.” Right there you limited your option of having a man and you get someone who fulfills your lonely night or is only good for your lonely times. Or, you have a candidate and you are looking elsewhere and still want to play the field; ummm, girl that means you don’t really want a relationship.

2. You are looking for a man in all the wrong places

It’s Friday night and you get dolled up to hit the town. You turn to your homegirl and say, “Girl, I hope there are some good men in there tonight.” It is highly unlikely you will meet a man in the club who is interested in being a kept man. Now, that doesn’t mean that there are not men in the club who want to be in relationships; what I am saying is at that moment the last thing on his mind is finding a girl to start a relationship with. It may be a good idea to cross off club hopping as your number one go-to place to seek men, or be prepared to embrace the duds and one-night stands. Did I mention liquor never makes good for a first impression or the beginnings of a promising relationship?

While you are crossing off the club as a mating ground, you can probably cross off the gym and church as well. Most single men who go to the gym are not looking for a shorty; they are trying to get their pecks right and trying to remember what count he left off on. Also note that you do not want to bag the super cute trainer. Every woman in his class wants him and he has probably had a few of them, if he is not gay. And looking for a man in church is just tacky…shouldn’t you be looking for God? Try places where you can actually have a quick conversation. Women’s instincts are sharp and with a quick conversation we will be able to weed out the losers really quick.

3. Men are not stepping up to the plate

Of course there is so much I can say about this topic but I will keep it brief. A lot of men are not presenting the qualities of a man we want to be in relationships with. Ladies, there is nothing we can do about him, we cannot reshape and redesign him like clay or Lego. Just know what your standard is and either he elevates to those standards or he is not for you. Settling is not an option; it usually does not end well. Trust me I know.

4. You have too many insecurities and too much drama

When I decided to write this article I actually caucused with a few women. In that caucus, one of the ladies, Esohe Oseki, said the following about women with insecurities: “Insecurities tend to manipulate how women treat their men. In a relationship, the female may start accusing their man for cheating because of subtle signs, when in all reality; it’s perhaps just the female’s doubt in herself that she doesn’t have all the qualities to keep her man solely to herself.” She is totally right, when you are insecure you tend to blame and accuse others of all the things that have happened to you in the past and your insecurities will outweigh your ability to have a successful relationship. Also, a good man doesn’t want to deal with that kind of drama. Most of the time he will try and stick it out with you, especially if he digs you. He will try to make you feel less insecure but, he can not change something in you that you are not ready for. You are not his pet project so don’t have him treat you like one, get your insecurities in order.

5. Your aura is just wrong- give it away too freely

You have to be careful about the energy you give off. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You tell people how to treat you by what you say and also by how you act and carry yourself. If you’re in a club with all your goodies showing, don’t think that a man in the club is going to treat you with respect. If you’re behind is hanging out of your shorts in the summer don’t think you won’t be cat-called. Now how you dress should not determine how a man treats you, but it does. How you live, how you talk, how you dress, how you behave determines how others treat you. If you want to be considered wifey material you have to carry yourself as the queen you are and demand that others treat you as a queen.

6. Independence is making you hard to deal with

Behind every great man is a great woman. But that great woman wasn’t great behind him but beside him. So we should be independent. You should know how to live on your own, take care of yourself, pay your own bills, and be alright on your own. But, any smart independent woman knows that she has to leave some space for someone else in her life. You can’t be so independent that you feel that you don’t need a man, every woman needs a partner; we weren’t meant to be single. So if you are an independent woman who is doing it for herself but knows that she is twice as strong being equally yoked with a good man, then good for you. If you feel like you can do it all for yourself and that you don’t need a man for nothing but SEX or someone to hold you; then you will remain single, seriously.

7. You think that being domestic is subservient

Being able to serve others is what makes a true woman. Being domestic is just another hat we wear as women; we should know how to take care of home, how to clean, how to cook and how to be a wife. If you can’t wear the hat of a wife how can you want to be in a relationship with hopes of playing the main woman. You can be domestic without being docile or subservient. What’s wrong with being soft and delicate every now and then?

8. You have created an ideal man that only a fairytale prince can live up to

You can kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince; but you can not expect to ride off ever into the sunset with a Prince Charming if your list is just too long. We all have our right to personal preference and our right to having high expectations, but if you can’t live up to the female version of what you are trying to create, then maybe you need to reconsider your too-long list.

9. You don’t have your stuff together

How can you expect a man that has it together if you don’t have your own stuff together? How can you want a man that is athletic and physically all-together and you’re fat, sloppy, and messy? Let’s just say if you are not together and you a hot mess, then expect that in your life.

10. You have too much baggage

E. Badu said it best, “Bag lady you gonna hurt your back, dragging all those bags like that”. Clean up all your emotional, physically, and mental baggage before you have your heart set on being a relationship. Baggage will weigh you down, and you don’t need all that heavy towing when you trying to have a relationship with the man of your dreams.

So ladies, understand that this is far from the only reasons we are single but it can be a start. If there are any more, feel free to post them.

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  • Sasha

    I agree with JoeBmore. I have heard some women say that they like thugs because there is some excitement and thrill. I really don’t know what is soo great about having a man in jail, but okay. I have even heard guys who are nice and treat you well are boring.

    I am a married 20 something, and i have to admit I have heard women who complain about not having a man be guilty of NUMBER 1. When they get a man, they CANNOT wait for him to leave. I have had some say this to me. I am not blaming the woman and I am sure that the man has some faults, but I don’t get it. I told my husband after a dinner party that, “I think I know why some women are lonely, they subconsciously don’t want a man.” And once they have told themselves this, then #2-10 starts to take shape.

    Yes there is a limited supply, which is why I think some women may need to explore more options and/or stop overlooking potential mates by claiming you are “settling”. And believe me marriage doesn’t fix everything. There problems in every relations as there are problems in singlehood.

  • I think number one is my reason. That and the fact that my situation just doesn’t give me the opportunity to find a bf.

  • M

    “Being able to serve others is what makes a true woman”?
    Seriously?
    Are you aware of how incredibly sexist that is, no matter what context?
    I stopped reading right there.

    Just as I don’t expect men to do all household fixing jobs by themselves, I don’t expect women to do all the ‘domestic jobs’ without help in a relationship.

    What makes a ‘true’ woman is a girl who does not need a man, but goes looking for one anyway to make a meaningful relationship, not just to get sex, or to fulfill her own needs. You should ‘serve’ each other, not depend on a woman to ‘serve’ you, and neither should you depend on a man to do all the hard jobs for you.
    I do household chores because I have to do it, not because I think it makes me a ‘true’ or ‘better’ woman. Or wife.

    Done ranting now.