Ever since Rodney Parker chased me round the playground of P.S.139, past the teeter totter, through the sandbox, all up and through the multi-colored merry-go-round until he finally cornered me inside the giant, plastic play tunnel and planted a big old wet one on my six-year-old pucker……ever since THEN, I have been totally, incurably, pathetically, pathologically BOY CRAZY.
I can’t help it. I’m being totally serious. No matter how ‘grown’ I get, just get me round a bundle of XY chromosomes (thrown together in the right packaging) and I just lose all control. My body tingles all over like it’s made of pop rocks and cherry cola. It’s involuntary. It’s maddening. It’s humiliating. And, it totally doesn’t mesh with the feminist fatale self-image I have carefully constructed for myself. But, I have come to believe, over the years, that there is no one quite so boy crazy as a fiercely independent woman (c‘est moi). Blame it on hormones. Blame it on Maxwell. Shoot, blame it on global warming, if you want to. Whatever the cause, I find just the teensiest bit of solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe, there are more out there “like me”. So, commiserate with a playa. Take our “Are you boy crazy?” quiz and find out if you’re a victim, too?
Question One: Which of the following describes your reaction when you see a Hottie McHottie for the first time?
a. He’s fy-ah. MUST. HAVE. HIM!
b. He’s a little bit of alright. Eye candy is always good fun.
c. He’s cute and all… I wonder what’s on TV tonight?
d. I’d rather be shoe shopping.
Question Two: How many times a day do you think about boys?
a. What’s the infiniteEST, mostESTest number ever invented?
b. A bajillion sounds about right.
c. I don’t know, but it’s definitely less than I think about shoes.
d. I’ve got better things to do.
Question Three: When you come to the part of the movie where they show (Will Smith, Don Cheadle, Morris Chestnut, Daniel Craig, Johnny Depp, Tyrese)’s derriere, you…..
a. Grab for the remote control (to press PAUSE) and remember you’re IN THE THEATRE. Emmmmbarrrassin’.
b. Smile and soak it all in, on some “feast your eyes” type of situation.
c. Shyly avert your gaze and pretend to look for that pack of TRIDENT “Cinnamon Tingle”, whilst taking the occasional peek.
d. Yawn, reach for the popcorn and wish they would hurry up and get back to the story.
Question Four: The phone rings. You’re expecting a call from “HIM”. You…
a. Dive across the room like a goalkeeper at the World Cup.
b. Let it ring twice or three times before picking up (give you time to practice your “sexy” answering voice).
c. Answer the phone like a normal human being and say something crazy like, “Hello.”
d. Chill. Keep on painting your toes. And, let it go to VM. It ain’t that serious.
Answer key: a = 4 points, b = 3 points, c = 2 points, d = 1 point.
If you scored…
(14-16) – May god (dess) have mercy on your poor, pathetic, boy-crazy soul. You’ve got it bad, sister.
(9-13) – Oh, you’re boy-crazy, alright. Don’t get it twisted. But, there’s still hope you could lead a normal life. Perhaps take up a hobby. Any interest in clog dancing? It’s very distracting.
(7-8) – You’re aiiight. Keep it movin’.
(4-6) – I want to be like you when I grow up. You give me hope. **sniffs, wipes eyes**