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When I’m not thinking about all the reasons why I can’t stand him, I’m constantly thinking why I dared to walk away from my ex- boyfriend.

In theory, the essence of my decision came from the knowledge that as life blows in new seasons, so goes the things that can’t sustain change.

He and I held no claim on loves victory, because as cold as a winter gets, ours was an inevitable destiny frozen like Never Neverland.

Between the two of us, the only resolve there ever was, would be for me to pack up my unanswered feelings and invest them in myself, while my growing hope was that someone new would appreciate my unabridged offering.

Yet even as I found myself in the presence of new circumstances, I still had that irreplaceable thirst; that parched discomfort that was yet to be voided by my current river at hand. He was still yanking at my heartstrings, and I was still interested in secretly playing to his demand.

A Case of the Ex. That was the proper diagnosis for my hearts personal disease.

Although I knew I didn’t want him back, I sure as hell didn’t know how to entirely walk away from his residue.

The “him” I’m referring to has several names, all unevenly attached to the many editors of my heart. Like most of us who dared to live and love for several seasons, it’s common knowledge feelings don’t die just because yesterday washed away.

As I whip out my phone, the speed dials lead the hunt in all my dirty little secrets. 19, 11, 8, 3… Yes, 3 is the reason I can’t exchange those distant memories for all that “now” has to offer me.

You see “love” really is just exes and o’s, and for many women and men, there’s a game of risk within each celebration. You have the new man in your life, yet for some reason that ex-boyfriend is still present and keeps haunting your daydreams.

Why is that?

Our list of excuses never fail to leave the obvious thoughts answered, because although we “say he’s just a friend,” most of us are smart enough to know better when it comes to mixing our former lives with those of the present.

Just like love draws a line in the sand, so should our friendships when we’re in a new relationship with someone. He or she is an ex for a reason, so in consideration of your current love affair, you might want to cut ties before the current relationship disappears.

Who wants to date someone that’s still making phone calls back and forth to their ex, or hanging out from time to time to shop for ferns or kitchen accessories? Sure it seems innocent, but so are walks in the park. Everything depends on your objective.

So is the ex around because you’re hoping that maybe they’ll have some sort of epiphany and wake to meet the challenge of giving it a second try? Are you keeping a close thumb on old love, just in case if he or she changes for the better, you can reserve the right to pick back up where the two of you left off? Or was the relationship soured by continual differences, but when it comes to your former life in the bedroom, the two of you want to reserve the right to secretly reconnect for a few more headboard bumps, and horizontal conversations.

Since decisions come from an individual standpoint, in many cases I’d be no more than “the pot calling the kettle black,” if anyone ever checked my monthly phone records. I can attest to the fact that my dealings with the exes are strictly innocent. But for those of you who are still sidestepping on your truth, here’s a few pros and cons to weigh when it comes to your relationship with your exes.

Pro’s:

When the going gets tough, sometimes it’s nice to have a man around who knows you inside and out, to help wash away the confusion.

Let’s face it, the new guy is probably going to make a few mistakes, and you sure as heck aren’t a perfect princess either. If I ever want to know what my biggest annoyances are, and how I expect someone to deal with them, I can call Arthur on the phone, and he’ll give me the best advice. Yes, our interest in each other is strictly platonic, but all the reasons why I fell in love with him, are also the motivating factors as to why I still want to keep him as a friend. There’s just some things about ourselves that you might not yet want to share with your current love, that old flames can help resolve.

Things that go bump in the night…

Don’t even try and pretend that crinkling the keys on the old ivory isn’t something you’ve found yourself doing once or twice out of anger–unless of course you know better. I’m referring to cheating with the ex because you’re pissed off at your current love. This isn’t really a pro, but I guess having a fall back booty call you’re already familiar with is slightly better than running out and trying to meet someone new. My advice would be to find a different way to blow off your steam. Far too often people think you have to go backwards in order to go forward. Bad idea.

Good friends are hard to find.

Not every ex is sticking around for some hidden reason. Just because the sexual part of the relationship expires, doesn’t mean the attachment has to follow. Good friends truly are hard to find, so if your ex is someone you genuinely care about, their place marker in your life might be just the thing you need to be that added support system, like any other friend would be considered.

The Cons:

If it looks like a duck…

To you, everything might be peaches and cream, the veil of innocence, or just easy conversation. But to someone on the outside looking in, keeping old doors open, might make for an uncomfortable new start to the current relationship. You have to meet people where they’re at, and a lot of us have been brow beaten by so many sour lovers, that we’re trained to think the worst in many of the individuals we encounter. Even though you know you’re keeping more than just the wind between you and your friendship with an ex, those prominent lines might look invisible to an insecure person. In other words, it could end up costing you your new relationship.

Backtracking is a no no…

Well at least in this case it is. If you’re the type of person who likes to frolic between two parking lots, then might I advise you,  you only get so much tread on your tires before you need to replace them. If you’re using your ex as a go between for when you’re mad at your current love, or simply because you don’t want to say goodbye to those former ribbons of lust, than you’re leaving yourself open for bigger problems. “You are not the father…” We’ve all seen Maury Povich, and as funny as the show is, too often women find themselves in situations where straddling the fence gets them in trouble. It should be either one or the other.

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…

Have you ever realized you were in love with someone either than the person you’re with? Yeah. We’ve all heard the stories before, and many of our hearts have been the victims. The biggest problem with having unresolved feelings for someone who’s casually hanging around, is that when you least expect it, the duality of your heart could lead you torn between two loves and forced to draw a line in the sand to decide which route would be best to take when you’re in love with two men. Any way you look it, someone stands to get hurt, and if you don’t choose correctly, you might end up the one licking your wounds. Holding on to old love is truly not a good move. A good idea would be to get out of one situation entirely, before getting in a new one.

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  • Unique

    Well written. Love your style. Nicely said–and very poignant.

  • so beautifully written….another reason i love this blog!

    • Such an impressive answer! You’ve bteean us all with that!

  • This is what we need – an isngiht to make everyone think

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