In all of the attempts to analyze why professional Black women are single, minimal discussion actually focuses on Black men. Every now and then studies or media coverage will briefly mention the percentage of Black men who are incarcerated, or the ratio of Black male college graduates in comparison to Black women. But what about the educated Black men who, more than likely, would be the type of brothers professional Black women would be interested in?
I wondered if career driven Black men were also experiencing trouble in the land of love, or if were they actively choosing not to settle down.
A couple of weeks ago someone posted an unidentified link on my Facebook wall. Curious, I clicked on the link and was directed to the Ninja Parade blog. The article was titled “Why Educated Black Men Won’t Settle Down,” and it was written by a man. After reading it, I thought he stated some of the obvious reasons as to why educated men believe it is more beneficial to dwell in bachelor status. But do brothers share these sentiments on a larger scale, or is it just a small minority?
The author lists six main reasons for why educated Black men won’t settle down. As expected, “numbers” was at the top of the list. Simply put, there are far more educated Black women than there are Black men. Some of the other reasons were sexual prowess, schedule, and White women. What struck me as interesting was the number two reason: arrogance.
“It’s so easy to start smelling yo own piss with a couple degrees in hand and some money in your pocket. Not to mention, we’re often riding the wave of sexual conquest from college and our early 20′s…so a guy can have the affirmation of being successful, having plenty of heaux, and KNOWING that he can continue at this pace until he dies. Knowing those things makes a man arrogant.”
He continues by explaining that arrogance alone will not keep a man from settling down, but it will cause a good woman to leave an arrogant man alone.
Calling all educated brothers arrogant is a huge generalization that I don’t feel comfortable making. But there is some truth to his claim. Educated Black men know they are a commodity. Knowing that they can choose the crème de la crème of a multitude of Black women, why would they opt for monogamy?
It’s not that one shouldn’t be proud of his educational and professional accomplishments. The arrogance card has also been associated with sisters. We’re told we are feeling ourselves too much. Men have even gone so far as to say, “Just because a woman is successful, doesn’t mean she’s entitled to having a man.” Yeah, I get that. But there’s a difference between pride and arrogance.
The other night, I was at Tillman’s in Manhattan talking with a friend of a friend about relationships. We were discussing the generational aspect of Black men and women not marrying, the common misconception that single Black women are unhappy being single, and the question of whether history has a role in the breakdown of Black relationships. Ironically, the conversation led us to talk about the arrogance of some educated Black men.
“They think we are supposed to bow down to them because they have their s*@# together,” she said.
My educated male friends don’t necessarily believe that women should bow down, per se. Although there is a sense of extra confidence accompanying their egos.
Whether it’s because of arrogance, the numbers, or the idea of Black men wanting to sow their wild oats—I do think committed relationships are at the bottom of a successful Black man’s to-do list. In their eyes, if it happens it happens. Men focus on their education, careers, and real estate before a woman is ever added to the equation.
Commitments are . . . well, commitments. Relationships take work. Some men are just not willing to do the work until later in life. Men, for the most part, think rationally. And if they cannot rationally find any benefits to settling down, then they just won’t do it.
So, if educated Black men aren’t settling down for whatever reasons, and single Black women supposedly suffer from a case of the “toos” (too high standards, too independent, and too career driven) where does that leave Black love?