Geneva’s article last week about men who want to get their women pregnant (even if the women aren’t so sure about that) made me think: how many ladies out there have had the “what if we concieved” conversation with their partners? It’s not necessarily the easiest one to have; even a staunch pro-choice advocate may feel opposed to having an abortion herself. And a sister who may be moderately opposed to abortion might still feel that if she were to get pregnant, that she wouldn’t be willing to carry a child to term (or, that she would deliver and place the baby up for adoption). Then, there is also the man who doesn’t want to wear a condom, but isn’t ready to be a father. Or the gent who can’t bear the idea of a woman terminating a pregnancy that he helped to create or…
It was a somewhat daunting task for me to let my current beau know, quite plainly, what I would do if there was some sort of unfortunate mistake, failure in judgment or prophylactic malfunction that resulted in a pregnancy. At this point in my life- twenty (ahem) years old, making (insert sadness) thousand dollars a year and still in the infantile stages of my career–there is absolutely no chance that I would raise a child right now. Nor am I willing to give up nine months of my life to carry a baby that will be placed up for adoption.
So, yeah. I’d have an abortion.
I don’t think he really enjoyed hearing that. And to be fair, I can imagine that there’s something unsettling about the idea of a woman with whom you feel you may wish to have children with one day telling you that she’ d most certainly abort a pregnancy that you helped create. But, he knows the deal and he also agrees that we aren’t ready for a child in this stage of our relationship, nor this stage of our individual lives. He respects my choice and we’re good.
I let my man know my stance on all things reproductive pretty early on; not only am I steadfast about my refusal to become a mother at this point in time, I’m totally opposed to the idea of having unprotected sex (I’d think these two ideas would go hand in hand, but I find that a lot of folks who don’t want to be parents right now don’t want to wear condoms either….nuts).To be fair, he didn’t push the no-rubber issue–perhaps because I didn’t even give him the chance to really ask! I somewhat randomly went on a tangent about my lack of preparation for parenthood and my unwillingness to risk my health and my future based on his human fallibility (and that he should not take that same risk on me) and I doubt he’d want to revisit that conversation anytime soon.
Not only might this discussion be difficult prior to a conception, there’s also the possibility that one’s feelings may change once it has happened. All the “I don’t want a baby right now” may go right out the window once faced with the reality of a blue line on a stick. And the, “I’ll be there for you,” refrain might be silenced when you announce that there’s a possible third party to the relationship. However, it’s still a conversation worth having. If the person you are with is ideologically opposed to your thoughts on reproduction, they might not be the person you should risk a pregnancy with in the first place.