In a headline that has made many women clutch their ovaries in fear, a mother in Texas delivered a two-foot, sixteen pound bundle of joy. JaMichael Brown, who has one of the most undeniably Black names ever, is the largest baby ever born in the state. Parents Janet and Michael (!) told the that many of the baby clothes they purchased are, unsurprisingly, too small. JaMichael was born, also unsurprisingly, though a C-section.

The average baby is born at around seven and a half pounds; ten pounds is considered to be “large”. Big JaMichael’s weight may be tied to the gestational diabetes his mother contracted during her pregnancy; however, doctors say that he is a healthy boy.

This child’s parents (and he) share the names of the greatest entertainers to ever live and he came out the womb the size of Kevin Hart. I predict that JaMike will be Dancing With The Stars in 2030. Remember that. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to swallow an entire pack of OrthoLo and clutch my uterus in fear.

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