Listen up, menfolk. We women have been instructed over and over again about what/who/how we need to be in order to be good enough to have a man in our lives…its y’all turn to worry yourselves into a frenzy and to adjust in order to be worthy of our affections. This list will serve as a guide to show you the sort of men you need to be. We’d tried to get in touch with Mo’Nique or Sommore to put you up on game, but as they were not available, you’ll have to listen to me. Pay close attention, I won’t steer you wrong.

For starters, if you want to have a quality woman, you have to be mindful of your appearance. You all spend too much time fretting over how we look…what’s really good with your body? Are you hitting the gym enough? How many buttons do your suits have? If you said a number over three, that’s too many. What’s your shoe game talking about? Just remember always to worry over how you look, because the greatest guy in the world can get very easily dismissed if he’s rocking a Pelle Pelle leather and a pair of Sauconys. Find out how the woman of your desires thinks that men should look and contact her for some style advice. Don’t be afraid to get a Duke texturizer or to cut your locs; you need to show how serious you are about being appealing to the feminine eye.

Most of us work nowadays so we want to come home to a clean house and a good meal. Got a tough workload? So what. Make it happen, captain. And we want to go out, too, so you better be prepared to spend a little dough. Better yet: clean the house, cook dinner and then take us out for moscato and cheesecake prepared by a local celebrity chef. Do this like once a week if you want your queen to know you value her.

You better be mindful of how many girls you’ve been with. Don’t be out here smashing some crazy number of other women, like two or three, and then try to call yourself virtuous or worthy. You need to save yourself for the good woman of your dreams and date her for three to four months before letting her have your magic stick.

Be mindful of how women think and work to emulate that as best as you can. Your thoughts and feelings should take a backseat to your need to be pleasing to a woman, so put your own stuff aside and focus on making yourself as in tune to our feelings as you can possibly be. Consider carrying a purse or wearing a maxi pad once a month to help you get further in touch with your natural feminine essence.

We don’t like man braids. If you are a man with braids, you should cut them yesterday.

You have to be able to fight to protect us. Get MMA certified and allow us to come out to a demonstration to see if you can fight good enough.

We really like Idris Elba. He’s gorgeous, talented and seems to have a wonderful personality. We think you should become Idris Elba. Like in the movie Face/Off, but with all of you just cloning him instead.

As I write this, I am a bit parched. Stop reading and go get me some water and make sure that doesn’t happen again. You gotta serve a queen if you want to be a king. And by “be a king”, I really just mean have a woman who thinks you are good enough to deal with you and drink your moscato.

GOLDEN RULE- Remember the definition of a “good woman”: a woman who is alive, coherent and able to be introduced to you. Stop being so picky. Your six-figure job doesn’t make you any better than the sister who works at Mickey D’s. She’s got that ambition baby, look in her eyes. Instead of focusing on what a woman does now, think about her potential. You may be the perfect push she needs to get back into school or to work on accelerating her growth at work, so make sure you are willing to date any good woman who comes your way.


Clutchettes: what did we leave off? Help the brothers out!


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